Community of Their Own
by linnell
Summary: Finally Completed Rentfic from Mark's POV trying to figure out who he is There may be a little slash running about in this fic.
1. Default Chapter

Author's Note:

The plan here is to write a serial, I have a lot of ideas for this story, and so I'm just going to keep adding them.This will be long, to those who like short and sweet; I apologize and to the others, be prepared for some angst and some good times too.Please R/R with suggestions, comments, telling me you love me, telling me you hate me, whatever you need to say…

I now bring you part one of:

"Community Of Their Own"

"The darkened loft sits undisturbed while its inhabitants are supposed to be asleep.These walls hold thousands of memories from the many artists that had resided in this space prior to the current occupants.Pan the large room that serves as a kitchen, bedroom, and living room. Notice the small counter, small refrigerator and even smaller gas stove that line one wall.A pedestal sink stands near another door, which behind it holds only a standup shower and a toilet.A broken mirror hangs above the sink."I zoom in on my reflection in the cracked mirror, before turning to the next wall. I continue the narration, whispering into the camera, "On the adjacent wall, a mattress lies on the floor, with two milk crates standing in for nightstands.A lamp and an alarm clock sit on one, the other, is turned over and filled with miscellaneous objects ranging from old magazines to cassette tapes.The mattress is separated from the rest of the room by an old ripped sheet, hung clumsily along the heating pipes, that snaked throughout the room, rusted except for patches of white paint that fall off daily.When the heat is actually turned on, the pipes clank and bang loudly, making it impossible for sleep to come to anyone who tried."I close in on the pipes that run along the low ceiling and the few poles that stand in the center of the room."Along the wall, another mattress, this one with no attempt at privacy.Instead of milk crates, old boxes sit next to the bed.Against the wall, directly under the only barred window, sits a Fender guitar, waiting for its owner to awake himself and the instrument."I center the camera on Roger, sleeping, then move it to the tables."At the center of the room, a long folding table, and various chairs take up residence.There actually is a table under the collection of papers, mail, and other diverse materials."

A loud, blaring noise interrupts the still momentum of the room.I reluctantly shut the camera off and quickly hurry to my bed to turn off the alarm."Sorry, Roger…" I whisper, not certain if it awoke him or not.

"What the hell time is it?"Roger's voice mumbles from under his pillow.

"6:30.Go back to sleep."I hear Roger speak unclearly and interpret that he is asking why I was up."I promised Maureen I'd help her today."I gently toss the camera on the mattress and grab some clothes from the pile near the milk crate.For the eighth day in a row, I remind myself to do laundry.

"Sucker!"Roger's voice was no longer muffled, as the pillow had been removed and his head rest comfortably on it.

"Yeah, I know, thanks."I am a sucker and I know it.I am only a sucker for a few things, chocolate chip cookies, an incredible movie and Maureen.Perhaps Roger, also, but I don't think too much about that.I lean over, making sure the alarm is actually off, and start towards the shower.As I casually step on some insect that was making its way towards Roger, I absently wonder why exactly I was up and moving at this hour.It wasn't unusual for me to be up, I hardly ever slept, but to actually be showering and getting ready, this was unusual.

Still, after all this time, I would do anything for Maureen.As the cold water hits my skin, I try to back away from the stream, but the shower is so small there is no escape.I think about her calling the night before. The digital clock said 11:44 and as usual, I let the machine pick it up.

"SPEAK!"

"Mark, sweetie, it is Maureen.Marky, I need your help!Please if you are there, pick up…. It's an emergency!"The urgency in her voice willed me to pick up the phone, though deep down I knew that an emergency in Maureen's universe was much different than what the normal person considered an emergency.

"Hey… what's wrong?"I answered the phone and continued the conversation in one fowl swoop.

"Joanne promised to help me with my protest tomorrow, but now she said she has to work!"I heard Joanne yell something in the background but couldn't quite make it out."Would you please… pretty please help me!?!"Her voice was almost piercing and I had to hold the phone inches from my ear in order to save my hearing.

"What are you protesting?"

"Oh, you know, Benny and the eviction of the homeless… and…"

"Maureen, that was two years ago, I think the homeless found somewhere else to stay," Sometimes it was hard for her to let things go.

"Yeah, but they are supposed to start construction of CyberArts tomorrow and I plan on protesting and handcuffing myself to the chain link fence… and…"

"Are you sure Joanne has to work or she just doesn't want to get arrested?"I laughed to myself, knowing full well that Joanne would never concede to anything illegal.

"Who knows… would you help me set up though?"

I thought quickly for an excuse, any excuse."Uh… I have work to do…"

"Marky… pleeeeaaaaaaasseee???!!??"

I knew she wouldn't let me out of it, "Fine, fine, when do you need me?"

"Six."

"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow night then."

"No, no, no… six AM!"

"You are joking right?"

"No, I want the protest to be at noon and we need a lot of time to set up.You already said you would do it!"

I shook his head, "Fine, I'll meet you in the lot at six." 

As I step out of the shower, I hear a loud banging noise.'Shit Maureen," The one time she is actually on time.I quickly pull on my pants and walk out, with my shirt over my head as I walk toward the door.Roger was already staggering back towards his bed, his eyes barely open, with Maureen behind him.

"Mark, you said you'd be there at six!"She shouts at me, and I motion for her to quiet down.

"Yeah, I know, I overslept, I'm ready now though."I never actually thought she would be on time.I grab my coat, and my camera and open the door, but as an afterthought I stop and go towards Roger."Hey Roger, I'll be at the lot if you need me."I hear a grumble from the figure sprawled out on the mattress and it satisfies me enough and Maureen and I leave the loft.

"I thought he was living with Mimi?"Maureen's voice was a loud whisper.I nod slightly as we walk past Mimi's door."Why is he upstairs?They have another fight?"

We were outside now, but I continue using a hushed voice, the early hour still bothering me."Yeah, I guess, he didn't say much."

"Does he ever?"

"Good point."

"So what happened?"Maureen looks at me expectantly.

"I told you, I'm not sure, but I think Benny showed up last night."I'm not one for gossip, but I know Maureen gets excited at the slightest bit of news.

"Really, what did Mr. Yuppie Scum USA want?"

"I have no idea, I just saw him walking around outside last night, and about fifteen minutes later, Roger was upstairs moping."

"I hope Mimi's ok."She said it more to herself than to me.That is the thing about Maureen, no matter how self-absorbed she seems, she really cares about her friends.The sincerity doesn't last long as we approach a pile of equipment left near the barbed wire."So here we are!"

"You just left that out, in this neighborhood?"I raise an eyebrow at her.

"At this time of day?I really wasn't worried."She takes a box and starts emptying various objects, including clown shoes and a red round nose.

"Uh, Maureen?What's that for?"

"I'm going to be dressing up as a clown to protest the clowns who think they can just do what they want with this lot."

"Uh, Maureen, they DO own it, so technically, they have the right to do what they want with it."

"Oh shut up, Mark and just set up the equipment."

"Yes, dear, anything you say."I laugh and get to work.

A few hours pass quickly, as Maureen has not stopped talking for a moment, and I seem to be doing all the work.I have heard her practice her performance three different times, each time she changes the way she sings "Send In The Clowns".I don't believe she actually knows the lyrics, though I don't think anyone actually does.She also babbled about her and Joanne and their many fights.It used to make me cringe to hear her talk about Joanne, but time has made it easier.In actuality, I know, even if there was no Joanne, Maureen and I wouldn't be together anymore by this time.We broke up more than they do.

She is the middle of a tirade about Joanne never wanting to go out and do anything fun when we are interrupted.Two policemen approach us and ask what we are doing.

Maureen stands tall and approaches them, but I stop her before she says anything.

"We are having a performance here this afternoon," I smile and try and look innocent.

"PROTEST!!!"Maureen pushes herself past me, "WE ARE HAVING A PROTEST!WELL I AM ANYWAY!"We exchange glares, and I shake my head.  
"Do you have permission to stage a protest here?Or permits for setting up this equipment?"The second officer, Officer Pearson, short and stocky steps forward.

"Uh… the owner Benjamin Coffin III is a friend of ours."  
"He's no friend of mine!"Does the girl not know when to shut up?She steps up to the officers, "Look, Mister NYPD Blue, we have the freedom to demonstrate in this country and I plan to do just that!"

"NOT without a permit, you don't."He stepped closer to Maureen, "Besides the owner, Mr. Addison Grey called us to make sure the construction will go smoothly with no interruptions."

"No sir…" I stammer, "Mr. Grey sold the lot and that building," I point to our current abode, "to Benny, when he married his daughter."Out of the corner of my eye, I see Maureen bending down to the box of the miscellaneous items.I see her pull out something shiny and I shake my head at her, trying to get her to stop.She doesn't even look at me.

They laughed at me. "Well, _sir_…" he mocks me, "I spoke to Mr. Grey myself this morning, and I have specific instructions to arrest your friend _Benny_ if he steps anywhere near this lot or that building."I look at him confused and then over to Maureen, still trying to tell her not to do it.

I'm too late; she slapped the handcuff around her wrist and then walked over to the barbwire while I was talking with Officer Pearson.'Oh Maureen, I'm going to kill you…' The policemen spot me looking over at Maureen and turn their attention to her.Hard not to notice her actually, she is singing "Send In The Clowns" at the top of lungs.

"Where is the key?"She ignores them and continues singing.Officer Pearson turns to me, and demands the key.I shrug.

"I… I don't know… I'll look."I bend down over the box and start fishing through for a key, but finding nothing.

"There is no key, Marky," Maureen taunts, "I threw it away!"

"Oh for Christ Sake Maureen, are you kidding me?"I feel out of control as the other policeman, Officer Sullivan waves his own handcuffs at me.

"Marky," he taunts,"I'm afraid you are disturbing the piece.I think you may have to take a ride with me."I back up from them.

"I… didn't… I haven't done anything."

"Didn't you see him take a swing at me Bruce?"Sullivan turns to his partner who nods.He steps up to me, "Look, Mr. Grey said no problems, and you and your girlfriend here are a problem!"I am speechless, the only thing going through my mind are the hundreds of ways I can kill Maureen.

"Look, we'll clean up, there will be no protest."I plead with the cop.__

__"You are right about that, hands behind your head." 

_"SEND IN THE CLOWNS!!! SAVE THE LOT!!!"_

Ok… now scroll a little further down and write a review.Thanks!


	2. The Police Station -

A/N: Chapter Two… Did I mention that this is going to be long

A/N:Chapter Two… Did I mention that this is going to be long?Did I also mention that lots of reviews make me write faster and spew out chapters quicker?I think you all will like this part; I know I had fun writing it.

_"SPEAK!" _Damn, the machine…

"Roger!"I shout in the receiver, "Roger, it's Mark, pick up the phone…" I pause for a few moments; is he still sleeping? Is he downstairs at Mimi's, in the shower, just ignoring me? "Roger, please this is important…" No such luck, I take a deep breath, "Ok, Maureen and I have been arrested, long story… I need you to go to the lot; we had to leave everything behind, all her equipment and my camera.Fuck her equipment, just as soon as you get this message go down there and find my camera, ok?We are at the police station on 1st and 12th.Ok… Thanks…" I slowly hang up the phone, berating myself, I should have called Mimi, she doesn't screen, and she wouldn't have slept through the phone ringing.

On the payphone next to me, Maureen stands with her back to me, "Pookie, I'm sorry… please, you have to help us… Ok, you're the best… I love you Pookie."I roll my eyes and send daggers to her back.I don't even want to speak to her, never mind be stuck at this police station together for God knows how long.She hangs up the phone and turns to me, "Joanne is on the way."She smiles at me, like she is so proud of herself, as if she should be rewarded because her girlfriend is a lawyer who has a cell phone.

"Great."I snicker as I walk away, towards the officer who is watching us.He points to the bench where we have been sitting for the last hour, ignored.The officers at the station do not understand why we were arrested either, and haven't bothered to process any paper work, hoping that we will just go away.I would gladly grant them their wish if it weren't for the handcuffs that are around my wrists.

I sit at the far end of the bench, and Maureen comes over and sits right next to me.If I move away, I will fall off the bench.I don't want her near me, but at the same time, I can't even speak to her to tell her to get away.I have never been this angry with Maureen in all of my life.Every little thing that she has done to hurt me, use me, or piss me off in the past has resurfaced into one giant balloon that is about to explode.If I speak to her, I would have no control over the venomous words that would fly out of my mouth.

She leans her head on my shoulder, "This is a story for the grandkids, huh Pookie?"

I can't deal; I slide off the bench, causing her to fall over towards the side.I look down at her, "Don't… just don't talk to me…"

"What?What's wrong with you?"Is she possibly this blind?

"Uh, hello? Maureen?"I wave my handcuffed hands up in the air,"We have been arrested, and it is your fault!"

"No, it's Benny's fault, if he hadn't…"

I interrupt her, "Christ!You are so quick to blame anyone else!"I'm yelling now, and one of the policemen stand and glare at us.I step in front of her and sit at the other side of the bench."Just don't talk to me, ok?"

"Fine!No problem!"She turns to the side so that her back is towards me.I sit there staring at the clock on the wall.It is same kind of clock like they had in my high school, the red second hand slowly moves around, and the minute hand clicks over when it hits 12.I stare at it and count the little black lines.I test the One Mississippi, Two Mississippi theory to see if you can actually can count a complete minute that way (you can't, too slow), I watch the minute hand make its slow revolution around the clock.

Finally I hear Maureen squeal, and I look over and see Joanne entering the police station.She jumps up and goes over to her lover and wraps her arms around her, but Joanne flings them away.She comes over to me, and I stand.She hugs me, "Are you ok, Mark?"I nod into her shoulder and she rubs the back of my head.I pull away and see Maureen scowling at us.

"Hello?I've been put through hell too…" Joanne just waves her hand in her face and goes over to the counter and starts talking to the dispatcher.Maureen glares at me and I just smile back at her.I take a deep breath, knowing that Joanne will take care of everything.

Seconds later, Mimi and Roger enter the building.Roger sees me first and pulls Mimi over to me. Again, they both ignore Maureen."Mark, what the fuck happened?"He looks me up and down, as if he could find some sort of evidence on me.

Mimi reaches out and gently touches my arm, "Are you ok?"

I nod, and then nod towards Maureen, "She happened."

Roger glares over at her, but Mimi leaves my side and goes over to Maureen.I watch the two of them talk for a moment, and then Roger pulls me towards the bench that I had occupied for the last few hours."What happened?"

I look at him earnestly, "Did you get my camera?"

He shook his head sadly, "The lot was blocked by construction equipment and two cops were hanging around.I couldn't even get in to look."

"Fuck."I glance over to Maureen, "I want to kill her."

"Yeah, well I don't even know what happened, but I'm ready to murder her myself.So do you want to tell me?"

I shake my head, "You wouldn't believe me if you tried."Just then, Joanne comes back to us with a police officer holding keys.They unlock Maureen's handcuffs, and then mine."That's it?We're done?"

"Yeah," Joanne answers tensely, "Apparently, Mr. Grey just wanted to make sure that there was no scene when they started the construction today.He told the cop that arrested you to just keep you here for the day."

"That's bullshit!"Mimi steps forward, "They can't just arrest someone to keep them quiet."

"Yeah!I have a right to protest!I have a right to speak my mind!"Maureen raises her now free hand in the air.

I turn to her, "You best not speak your mind near me again."I glare at her and turn to Roger, "Get me out of here."He nods and grabs my arm and we start towards the door.

"Mark, wait!"Maureen runs behind us, but I keep walking, even though Roger stopped.I walk out onto the street and lean against the building, I try to gain control of myself, but the rage is overbearing.She walks out of the building and towards me."What the hell is your problem?It isn't my fault!"

"WHAT?"I feel my face get hot, and I barely take notice of the others walking towards us.

"You heard Joanne, they had planned on arresting us!It wasn't my fault."

"Christ Maureen, I shouldn't have been there, YOU shouldn't have been there.It is over, the big guy won, ok?No one is going to listen to some broad in a clown suit singing to a bunch of homeless people!"

Joanne steps towards me, her initial reaction to stand up for Maureen, but Roger holds her back."Pookie…" Maureen looks deflated, "Don't you believe in me anymore?"

"I _believe_ you like to be the center of attention.I _believe _that you like to test just how far I will actually go for you.I _believe_ that you don't give a damn about the fucking homeless, just yourself.I _believe_… no wait, I **know**, that you are a selfish bitch!"  
She backs up away from me, with tears in her eyes.I hear Roger whoop and clap and yell 'yeah, Mark!'Maureen looks at me, and whispers, "Fuck you."

"No you did that already, remember.You decided you liked chicks better."Why am I being so cruel?This wasn't like me at all, these words weren't mine, but yet they exited my mouth.Years of pent up resentment just poured out.

"Yeah, because you were such a horrible lover, I had to go look elsewhere!"

"Ok!Enough is enough…" Joanne steps in between us, but we both step to the side so that we are eye to eye.

"It's done, Maureen.We're done."I speak calmly.I step away and start back towards Roger and Mimi.

"We were done a long time ago, when I dumped your ass, remember?"

"Maureen, shut-up."Joanne scolds her.

I turn around and face her."I meant our friendship."I start walking away and I don't stop to see if anyone is following me, or to comprehend the screaming rants I hear coming from Maureen's mouth.

Roger is soon walking next to me, keeping up with my fast pace.He remains silent for four blocks and then finally speaks."I don't know whether to congratulate you, or to tell you I'm sorry."I just glare at him sideways."Look, she had it coming.She has had it coming for a long time," he grabs my shoulder, "You are a better person then me because I would have let her have it a long time ago."

"Yeah, well, I should have."I am still so angry; my legs are on a momentum of their own. We are heading towards the loft, I just want to go home to my lousy mattress, and forget this day ever happened."Why the hell do I put up with her shit?Well, no more, fuck her…"

Roger snickers, "You already did…" I frown, "Sorry, but that was a really good line."He is laughing while he talks. "Remind me never to piss you off."

"Oh you have, Roger, don't worry.I just savor it and let it brew so that it all comes out at once."I smile now, and relax a little.I didn't need Maureen, I had Roger, and Mimi, and Collins, and even Joanne.

"Great, something to look forward to."He puts his arm around my and pulls me close to him, "You will be ok."

"I don't know." I feel the sadness again, "My camera is gone."

"Yeah, I know.It will be fine; we'll get you a new one.I'll demand Maureen buy you one or something."  
"No, I don't want anything to do with her again."

"Wow, you really meant that, huh?"I just nod silently.I suddenly realize that we are missing a person."Where's Mimi?"

"Oh, we are still fighting I guess.Joanne called her after she talked to Maureen, and she came up and got me out of bed.That's when I got your message."We turn the block onto Avenue B and start walking past the lot, which is now filled with cranes and dump trucks.They have the sidewalk blocked so we have to walk out onto the street to go by.

I silently nod, "What are you fighting about?"

He shrugs, "Benny, what else?"I concur and we walk towards the door, but we both stop at the same time."Oh you have to got be kidding me!"Roger slams his fist against the door.

"Padlocked?Christ, what the hell is he trying to pull?"There is a sign posted.I read it out loud. "THIS BUILDING MUST BE EVACUATED IMMEDIATELY.DEMOLISHMENT OF THIS BUILDING WILL TAKE PLACE AT 5:00 THIS EVENING."I read it again silently to myself, as Roger spouts out every swear word his public education taught him.

"I'm going to fucking kill him.Mark, I swear, if I see him…"  
Thoughts of my warm comfortable bed long forgotten, I remember something the cop said this morning.Was it this morning?This day has already seemed like a week, "I don't think it is Benny."

"What the hell are you talking about?Of course it is Benny, he is finally getting his CyberArts dream…"   
"No, the cop this morning, said something about arresting Benny if he came anywhere near the lot or the building.In fact, he was very adamant about the fact that Mr. Grey owns both."

"What the hell are we going to do?All our shit is in there."Roger goes to punch the wall, but I grab his hand quick.

"I don't know.I guess we call Joanne again?"

Want more?Review… the more reviews I get… the faster I write!!!And not to be picky, but tell me what you like, and maybe something you don't like.I mean it is great getting reviews that say 'I like it!' but I want to know why.Feed my ego… it is a monster that needs to be flourished…Thanks J


	3. The loft -

A/N: Ok, so I forgot to put this before.These characters belong to Jonathan Larson.Not me.I just like abusing them and playing with their minds.Thank you all for the reviews, please keep them coming!!! Nothing makes me happier than getting that email from the bot at fanfic telling me I have a review.Well, some things make me happier, like the possibility of seeing Chad as Roger again, or going to Glen Falls, NY to see Jim's new show… but you know what I am saying.

Roger is at the payphone, calling Joanne collect, and I am looking up at our window trying to decide if we should break in again.It wouldn't be the first time.

"Mark, what's going on?"Mimi's voice interrupts my thoughts; I didn't even notice her approach.I point to the sign and she goes over and reads it, hitting the doorway and swearing, just as Roger had done a few minutes earlier."That fucking bastard."

"That's no way to talk about your boyfriend, Mimi."Roger approaches us.

"Oh for Christ sake Roger, enough!I can't take your bullshit jealousy right now."I automatically step between the two, but Mimi continues shouting."I wasn't talking about _you _anyway, I'm talking about Benny's EX-father in law!"

I push Roger back a few steps and turn to Mimi, "Ex?Do you mean?"

She nods, "The divorce was finalized yesterday.That is what he came to tell me last night."

"Great, so now you two can live happily ever after!"Roger pushes me aside and steps up to her.

"Roger!"I shout, "Leave her alone, this isn't the time, ok?"

"Stay out of this Mark, it isn't any of your business."I throw my hands up in frustration.

"Don't talk to you him that way."Mimi snaps at him. 

"Really, Mimi, I can take care…" It doesn't matter that I'm talking; neither of them are listening to me.She takes a step closer to him.

"Baby, you have to stop being jealous, there is nothing going on with me and Benny.We are just friends."She lifts her hand up to his face and caresses it, and he holds it there for a moment, looking in her eyes.Then he suddenly drops his hand and backs away.

"So why did he come here last night to tell you the good news?"Instantly the fire is back in his eyes.

"To warn me, to warn us, that this might happen.He told me that the pre-nuptial agreement he signed null and voided the sale of the lot and the building if they were to divorce.Mr. Grey knew that I lived here, and he said something about the first thing he was going to do was get rid of Benny's free-loading friends."She takes Roger's hand, "I'm sorry, baby.If I never went back with him last year…"

I know that Roger blames himself for Mimi going back with Benny for that short time.I watch him take a deep breath and bend down and embrace Mimi, telling her it was fine, that we would all figure it out.I long for my camera, because even though I had many of Roger and Mimi's fights on film, they usually made up in private.

I clear my throat."Can we, uh, get back to our immediate problem?"Their lips are locked and Roger waves me away.I sigh and head over to the fire escape.I jump up and pull the ladder down, and climb up to the first floor.Mimi's apartment was on the second floor, so I only needed to go one more flight.How I was going to get in once I was up there, I was not quite sure.

From the second floor fire escape, I watch Mimi and Roger whispering and hugging for a few minutes.They are both giggling, even though our home was going to be destroyed in just a few hours.I also notice, further down the street, the two policemen from earlier today walking around the old lot.I have a feeling that they will be making their way over here very shortly.The last thing I need is to get arrested again, for breaking into my own building."Roger!"  
It is difficult to yell and remain quiet at the same time.He doesn't hear me, his full concentration on Mimi.There are a couple of pebbles on the fire escape, so I pick one up and throw it at Roger, but I miss.I curse myself, after all those hellish years of Little League, and I still can't throw.I try again, and this time, I manage to hit Mimi in the arm.

"Ow!"She rubs the spot that I hit.

"Mimi, I'm so sorry."I say through my laughter, "I meant to hit the bigger target next to you."

She smiles and laughs at me.Roger bends down and finds the pebble and throws it back at me, but misses entirely.That sends us all into hysterics.We are still laughing, while Roger and I are throwing whatever we can get our hands on at each other.I of course, run out before he does, since I'm only on the fire escape, but I manager to climb up to Mimi's floor, and way out of reach for Roger's throwing ability.I lean down and cackle at him and soon he is rushing over to the ladder and quickly climbing.I climb up to the next few flights, so that I am now outside our window.It doesn't take him long to catch up, but it does take him long to catch his breath.This concerns me a little, but I push it aside, while I duck from his attempt at a headlock.

"Come on, we don't have much time."I squat down and look through our window."I don't think we can stop them, but at least we can try and get our stuff."

Roger nods, "Yeah, well, Mimi's and my meds are in there, we need those."

"Yeah, I know, I was thinking that too."He looks at me and smiles and nods.

"So what do you think, break the glass?"

"Or we could try and open it."I laugh again as I pull the window up easily."You forgot to lock it again."

"Me?No pal, I don't even live here anymore, remember?"I laugh again.

"Ok, then I'm the hero that failed to remember to lock up and therefore granting us easy access into the loft."

"No, you know what, I opened it last night before I went to bed, and shut it this morning when I went to the police station."

"Uh-huh, that is what I thought."I punch his arm lightly and start climbing through the window.As I do, I suddenly hear a few more voices below.When I get inside, I help pull Roger in, and he tells me that Joanne and Maureen had arrived."Christ, I don't want to see her."

Roger pats my shoulder a few times, "Too bad, Mark, you are going to have to face her sooner or later."

"I just told her off an hour ago!Couldn't it have been a little later?"I walk into the loft and start searching for some sort of bag to put my stuff in."I can't believe they are going to tear this place down."I find some grocery bags from our last trip, still on the floor, where we left them.I give one to Roger, and go over to "my room".

"Well, I can believe it, Benny and his ass hole father-in-law."

"You heard what Mimi said, this is beyond Benny's control."I stare at my dirty laundry sprawled all over and causally pick it up and throw it in the bag.

"Yeah, well, if Benny wasn't sleeping around with half the women in New York, Alison would have never kicked him out and divorced him."He grabs his meds from the kitchen table and puts them in his pocket.

"Yeah, I guess that is true."I start packing up my film projector, and I am briefly reminded of my missing camera."I know you don't like Benny, but he was letting us live here for free for the past three years, Mimi too."  
"Yeah, well, that was because he wanted to fuck Mimi."He throws what little items he has in the loft into the bag, "I'm going to go downstairs and get more of our stuff."

"Ok, I'll see you outside."I push the projector out onto the fire escape.I don't know where I'm going, or how I'm going to carry all my shit around, I just know I need a few things.I fill another paper bag with film reels and notebooks.Then I go and stand in the middle of the room and look around.As if I am watching one my own films, I see Angel, with her pickle tub dancing around, I see Collins bounding in full of life, telling us how he had gotten the job at MIT, I see Roger, sitting on the table, guitar in his lap, looking up, smiling and laughing at something I said.I see April's dead body in the bathroom, I see Maureen, lying on top of our bed, with another man.Then, as if I have stepped out of my own body, I see myself, standing alone.

"Mark, are you ok?"Joanne is climbing through the window.I smile and tell her I am fine."Look, I tried to get you guys some more time, but it isn't possible.They are going to tear this place down in," she looks at her watch, "less than an hour." 

"I know.It just hit me."She puts her arm around me and pulls me in for a hug.

"You will be ok honey, you can stay with us as long as you need."

"No way!I'm not staying with Maureen."I back away from her.

"Mark, I know you are mad at her, but come on, where else will you go."

I feel myself tense up, as I walk around looking for anything else I want to grab."I am more than mad at her.I am through with her.I don't want her in my life anymore."

"You didn't really mean that, did you?I thought you were just mad."

"I meant it," I hand her a pile of old video tapes that I had from college, "She has always treated me like shit, and I have always taken it.I'm done."

"Where will you go, then?"

"I don't know," I didn't know, I hadn't even stopped to think about it."Maybe I'll go visit Collins for awhile, or maybe I'll just live on the streets."

"Mark, I refuse to let you live on the streets.You have to let your pride go sometimes."

"Joanne, don't you see, I finally got pride.I let her walk all over me for years, like a spineless puppy.I honestly would rather sleep on the streets than at her place."

She shakes her head sadly, and looks at me, "You ready, got everything?"I nod, I have checked multiple times now.We both climb out the window and down the ladders.The construction crew has now moved over to the building and they are closing off the sidewalk around it.

The others are standing on the other side of the yellow tape.Roger has his guitar case in one hand, and his other arm is around Mimi.Maureen runs over to Joanne and embraces her crying.I stand off to the side on my own.I don't even have my camera to keep me company.The five of us stand there and watch.We watch as the first crane knocks into the wall.Maureen lets out a quiet scream when it hits, shattering the fourth floor window and fire escape.None of us are able to say a word, but we all remain there and watch as they destroy our home. 

Ok wow, this is the first fic that I have wrote and cried.I'm still all teary…Poor guys… why do I do this to them???Please review and tell me how much I suck or something… thanks!


	4. The lot

A/N: Ok, so they still don't belong to me.Thank you Jonathan Larson for giving me these characters to think about way too much.This chapter is a little more uplifting than the last.Don't forget to review!!!

I stand behind my friends, off to the side.I watch them watch the building the being destroyed.The construction crew called it quits around six o'clock.Only half the building was gone, and the rest of it stood surrounded in its rumble.We all stood there and watched, well most of us watched.Mimi hid her eyes in Roger's chest, while he stared straight ahead, never taking his eyes off of it, and Maureen sobbed into Joanne's shoulder.

"Why don't we go get some food?"Joanne's voice breaks the silence."It has been a long day."

"Yeah, good idea," Mimi concurs, breaking away from Roger. "I want to get out of here."She reaches out for Roger's hand, pulling him with her, but he remains still.

"Where do you want to go?"Maureen picks her head off of Joanne's shoulder, and takes Mimi's hand.

"I don't care… The Life Café?For old times sake?"

"Sure, sweetie, good idea."The three of them start walking away, leaving Roger and I frozen in our spots."You guys coming?"I nod, Roger remains still, and Joanne puts her hand on my shoulder, squeezing it lightly. "You will catch up?"I nod again.

I step up closer to Roger.We stand in silence for a few minutes, I search for something to say, but there are no words for this.We just watched our home be destroyed.I turn towards him and look at him.He face is tear stained, and there is a few more dropping."Roger?"I grasp his arm lightly.

He nods, still staring straight-ahead, "What are we going to do?"

"I don't know… I wish I knew…" The reality of the situation is still foreign to me.

"It's over, this whole part of lives, it is just… over."

His words and tears hit me."No, no it's not, that building… that was just four walls."Even as I say it, I know it isn't true.The loft was more than just four walls, it was our foundation, and it was our life.For years, our lives were spent there, together.

"It is never going to be same, Mark."He turns to me; "_We_ won't be the same."

"What are you talking about?We will always be friends," I know what he meant though.We won't live together anymore; we will no longer be roommates.Even though he technically was living with Mimi, half of his things were in the loft.He spent a lot of time up there with me, and he always had a place to go when they were fighting.

"You are the best friend I ever had, you know that right?"Now it is my turn to tear up.

"Yeah, I know.You too."

He smiles at me, "Not too many other people would put up with all my bullshit.I have always appreciated it, even if I never thanked you."I nod silently, the tears falling down my face."Christ, Mark, what am I going to do without you?"  
"I'm not going anywhere."I laugh through my tears, "I have no where to go."

He pulls me in for an embrace, "I love you, Mark, don't forget that."

"I love you too, Roger."We remain like that for a few minutes, both of us trying to stop the tears from falling.

Finally, Roger lets go and quickly looks over at the building."Let's get out of here."I nod and we gather our belongings and start to leave the corner of 11th Street and Avenue B."No, wait a second." 

I stop, dropping a bag and the projector because they are both really heavy."What?"

"Those cops are gone," Roger looks at me with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah, so."

"Why don't we go look for your camera?"

A smile spreads across my face; "Do you think it may still be there?"

"One way to find out, come on."He grabs the projector and my bag because I am already across the street heading to the lot.A part of the barbed wire fence is open at the bottom and I am able to shimmy underneath.Roger comes to the edge and looks at it, "Uh, no way."He drops the stuff and starts climbing the fence."So where do you think it may be?

"Well, over here is where we were setting up, maybe…" I walk over to the spot where we were.There is no sign of my camera or Maureen's equipment.In its place a large dumpster now stands, filled with building debris and trash.

"Keep looking, maybe it got pushed aside or something."Roger yells from the other side of the lot."Besides, worse comes to worse, we dig through the dumpster."

I sink to the ground, "If worse comes to worse?Haven't we hit worse already?Christ Roger, look at our home?"I bury my face in my hands.

"Hey, get your ass off the ground and look?This is _your_ camera, remember?"I nod, but remain still."Besides you are the one who is supposed to be optimistic, not me."

"What's the sense?I mean really, why bother looking?"

"Mark, if I have to tell you that, than we have worse problems on our hands."He comes over to me and squats down."Look, it is getting dark, we need to finish looking soon or we're not going to see anything.It has to be here somewhere, I'm thinking that no construction worker would even know how to use the thing."

I laugh and smile, "Yeah, ok." I let him help me up and I walk towards the dumpster."This isn't going to be pretty."

"MARK! WAIT!"I turn to Roger and he is bending over picking something up."I found it… "

I rush towards him, and sure enough he found my camera.It looked as if someone had stepped on it, a few pieces had fallen off, but it was my camera."Roger!Oh my God! Thank you!"I take it from him, jumping up and down."I can't believe it!This is amazing!"My mind is racing, I didn't think this day could possibly end up ok.I'm still jumping up and down, and trying to inspect my camera at the same time. 

Roger is laughing at me. "No problem, cripes, you would think it was Christmas morning."

I grin up at him; "It is better than Christmas morning.Thank you so much for coming back to look."I go over to him and hug him and he hugs me back and as I'm pulling, his lips brush my cheek and I turn slightly and our lips touch, for a split second. It was over so fast, I almost wonder if it actually happened.

We both let go of each other and back away.I rub the back of my neck and look down, and Roger stands up straight looking past me."Uh, maybe we should go meet the girls."

"Yeah, good idea."

What the hell was that?Did he do that on purpose?I clutch my camera and gather the rest of my belongings, taking sideways glances at him.He is purposely not looking at me.

We walk in silence most of the way.When we get close by I reach out to stop him but he pulls away from quickly.

"Roger, hold on, look… what happened back there…"  
"Let's not talk about it."

"Yeah, I was just going to say it was no big deal, I mean… there is no reason for us to feel weird."I look at him, "Right?"

"Right."He looks at the ground.  
"I mean, we both know that it was an accident and that it didn't mean anything."

"Why would it have meant something?What are you saying, Mark?"  
"Nothing!That's my point.Look, you are my best friend, let's just drop it and move on, ok?"

He nods, "Yeah, ok."He smiles at me, "Sorry, I just freaked out for a little bit."

"Hey, no problem, it was kind of random…"

"Yeah, random," he looks almost sad when he says it.

"You sure we are ok?"I stand before him.

"We are fine, no worries."

We arrive at The Life Café and the girls already are seated with their desired drink in front of them.For Mimi, some sort of Microbrew, Maureen has a Cosmopolitan, and Joanne is sipping a glass of red wine.I stop short when we walk inside, my feelings for Maureen forgotten until I see her again.

I turn to Roger, "You know what, maybe I should go figure out a place to stay."  
"Bullshit, I know you haven't eaten anything today, and we need you here."He smiles at me, and goes to pat my shoulder, but at the last second pulls his hand away.

"Fine, I'm not going to talk to her though."We arrive at the table and sit down.Roger orders a beer and I just want water."Uh, how are we going to pay for this?"

"It's on me tonight, no worries."Joanne reaches across the table and squeezes my hand.Maureen scowls and turns away from us.

"You guys ok?"Mimi wraps her arms around Roger.

We look at each other, "We're ok."We say in unison.Mimi and Joanne smile at us. 

Maureen and I remain silent throughout the dinner, while the others talk about any topic beside the one that is all on our minds.It has been decided that at least for the time being, Mimi and Roger will be staying with Joanne and Maureen, and the three of them start in on me staying there as well.

"Come on Mark, at least for tonight, where else are you going to go?"Mimi pleads with me.

"Yeah, Mark, you should really stay."Roger still won't exactly look at me, but things are beginning to relax.

"You sure?"I ask Roger, but Joanne answers, thinking I'm asking her.

"Yeah, we're sure, sweetie, right Maureen?"

Maureen puts down her glass, "Yeah, Mark, stay with us, please?"I look to Roger and he nods in agreement.

"Fine, I'll stay, just for tonight though."

Mimi starts clapping, "Yay!Slumber party!"

"Greeeaat… can't wait."I drop my head on the table and Joanne rubs my back lightly. 

So, now, go scroll down and review my story!It is the only way for me to know people are reading it.If I don't think people are reading it, I won't continue to update.And if you want to know what is going to happen at the "slumber" party, I think you should review.

_ _


	5. Maureen and Joanne's Place

A/NOk, this one was hard for me to get outI hope it is ok. Thank you for the reviews, they make me happy!Please continue them.I will try not to lose my muse again.

I've asked myself this before.'How did I get here?'How the hell did I end up sitting in a circle on Joanne and Maureen's floor with a bottle spinning in center?How did I end up with it pointing at Roger?How is it that I am being encouraged to kiss him by almost everyone in the room?

Let me back up for a minute, as I try to figure this out.

We left the Life Café and we all started walking to Soho, where Joanne and Maureen live.Roger and Mimi tried getting a cab for us, but they all drove by so ended up walking.It was actually a very nice night, the kind where jeans and a long sleeve shirt are fine.We walked in a group, laughing and tickling and teasing each other.Things were relaxed and nice, the problems of the day were left behind.We were just enjoying being together.

Except for Maureen.She walked a few paces behind sulking.Joanne and Mimi both made attempts to include her in our romping, but she didn't seem interested.I did my best to ignore her, but I could feel her eyes on my back, and even Roger said something to me about it.

"Maybe you should talk to her, she seems really upset about everything."

"Nah, I'm good."I reached behind him and poked Mimi in the side and she came over and jumped on my back trying to tickle me.As we rounded the last corner, I felt someone tug at me, and I turned around quickly to see it was Maureen.I let Mimi down; I had been carrying her for about a block. 

"Can I talk to you?"  
"Sure!" I spread my arms out as I walked backwards."What do you want to talk about?"My voice was purposely loud and chipper.

"Mark, stop walking, I want to talk to you alone for a minute."

"Maureen, this is New York," I looked from side to side and whispered ominously, "You are never alone…"

"Mark, I mean it.Stop."I turned to the others and they were already walking inside.She pulled me over to stoop in front of her building."Look, I'm sorry, I don't want you to be mad at me anymore."

"Oh ok. Since you don't _want_ me to be mad, I won't be!That simple."I rolled my eyes at her.

"Stop being so obnoxious!What the hell has gotten into you?"

"I told you before, I'm done taking your shit."I look at her, that inane smile stilled fixed upon my face.

"Mark, I'm so sorry about today, I'm sorry about everything.I never meant to hurt you."

"Bull.That is all you have ever done."I shook my head at her and she took my hands into hers.

"Sweetie, you are my best friend in the whole world.No one knows me like you do… not even…" She began sobbing and her words were breaking apart.

"Not even Joanne?"She nods through the tears.

"You have always been there for me, you can't just take your friendship away.Please?"

Was she begging me?Did I really mean something more to her than just some guy to use and abuse.One look in her green eyes and I knew.She looked at me the same way the first night we made love.It was a look of admiration and love and complete trust.I spent the rest of our relationship trying to find that look from her again.I dropped my hands, but remain silent.

"Mark, please, you don't understand.I love you.Don't you know that?"It occurred to me that she is the second person in just a few hours to tell me they love me and that I am their best friend.I nodded silently, trying to keep myself from glancing at her face, away from those eyes.She wouldn't let me though; she picked my chin up and looked me in the eyes."I mean it, I love you.I never stopped."

I pulled back from her and stand up.The rage that I had felt earlier today returned in full force."Don't… just don't go there."

She was crying openly now."Why? I am just being honest."

"Because…" my voice was rising, "because you are not being honest.You are desperate because I won't be at your beckon call anymore."

"No! Mark…"She stood and stepped closer to me.

I hold up my hand to her, "No, I won't let you manipulate me.You have never done anything for me, all you do is take take take, and I am sick of it.That isn't a friendship, that is… that is… pathetic!I'm pathetic, and I won't be anymore."I turned my back to her, but I can hear her weep, as she approached my shoulders to turn me around.

"You are not pathetic, you are a giving, wonderful, patient person, and you are right, I don't deserve you."

"I didn't say that."

"Yeah, you did, but that is ok.You're right, I have never deserved you, and I knew it.That is why I had to let you go."

"Oh don't try going all noble on me, Maureen.You left me because after _fucking_ half of the population in New York, you had to jump over to the other half."

"FUCK YOU!"

"Sweetie, we covered that this morning, remember?"I looked at her, and she was really sobbing.She had dropped back down onto a step, and her face was covered in her hands as she rocked back and forth.Regret filled me; I had never made anyone feel like that, especially not Maureen.I quickly sat next to her, and put my arm over her back and pulled her close to me.She cried into my lap, while I stroked her hair and back, whispering apologies.

After a few minutes she finally lifted her head, and I wiped away a few of her tears."Mark…" She didn't say anything more; she leaned in and kissed me.It was as if time stopped still, and the years since our last kiss never occurred.Our movements were automatic.My mouth knew when to open and close, my hands knew when to move the back of her neck, my head knew when to tilt slightly to the side.

The kiss lasted longer than it needed to, and much longer than it should have.It was as if we both knew how wrong it was, and by prolonging it we could both savor it and at the same time, put off the ramifications for just a few seconds longer.Some point in the kiss, the realization that I was actually over her hit me.Yes, I was enjoying her scent, and the feel of her lips on mine, but the butterflies that once lived in my stomach, never resurfaced.We both understood it was the end of something.As Roger had said to me earlier, nothing from now on would be the same, and he was right.Maureen and I could never go back to what we were, and we both had to let that go.

We broke apart at the same time.She turned from me and I stood up."Maybe we should go inside."She nodded silently, and I brushed my arm over he shoulder as I stepped up to the door."Maureen, we're ok.Don't worry.It didn't mean any…" I stopped myself.For the second time tonight I was about to tell someone that kissing me didn't mean anything.When in fact, I knew both kisses meant everything."Just don't worry."I walked into the building.

When I knocked on their door, Joanne opened it and wanted to know where Maureen was.I told her she was still downstairs, but things were ok.I also told her that Maureen needed her, and she quickly pushed me aside to go and comfort the love of our lives… I mean, the love of her life.I realized tonight, that the love of my life wasn't who I thought it was.

I walked in and Roger and Mimi were sitting on the couch.They looked so good together, a perfect fit.I took at deep breath and plastered that damn smile on my face; I was getting used to pretending, "Hey guys."

Roger put down the magazine he was reading, and Mimi sat up from his lap, "Hey, how did it go, what happened?"Normally, I would be dying to tell Roger what happened with Maureen. But for some reason, it didn't seem the right thing to do.For everyone's benefit, I decided to stay quiet.

"It went ok, we talked and yelled, but I think we have a new understanding."

"Oh yeah?What's that?"

"Basically, she's not going to treat me like shit anymore, and I am not going to let her."

Roger laughs, "I give it a week.She'll call you and beg you to film her next protest and you will be right back where you were." 

I plop down on the couch next to him, "Yeah, you are probably right."I wanted to change the subject.I pat the sofa, "Well this looks comfy, I'll calling the couch for tonight."

"No freakin' way.Mimi and I were here first."

"Yeah, but that was only because I was outside!Besides, I called it."

"You called it?Are we in Junior High suddenly?"  
I smile, "Yup, we are.How did you know?"

Mimi was laughing and she reach over and patted my knee, "Sorry boys, I get the couch, you get the floor."

"Hey!I'm going to share!"Now it was my turn to laugh at Roger, and I stuck my tongue at him.

"He he, sucker…"

"Christ, you really think we are in Junior High, don't you?"

At that point, Joanne and Maureen entered the apartment."We're in Junior High?Good to know…" Joanne was all smiles, and even Maureen seemed better.They had their arms wrapped around each other, but Maureen and I exchanged a quick look and smile. 

"Oh, I know!"Mimi jumped up."Since we are in Junior High, and this is a slumber party, let's play…" She looked around, taking a dramatic pause, "Spin the bottle!"

"You're kidding me right?Baby, I think you had too much to drink tonight."

"Yeah, Mimi, that is a…" Joanne's grin spread, "That is a great idea!"Mimi started clapping and jumping up and down, and she and Joanne were already moving the coffee table. 

Maureen, Roger and I all stood there silent.Finally, Roger spoke up, walking behind Mimi and wrapping his arms around her small waist."Look, I don't want to do this.The only person in this room I want to kiss is you."He bent down and nibbled her ear a little.

"Exactly!" Joanne yells as she pushes the couch away."I want to see you and Mark kiss."

"Uh… Joanne…" That is all I could say.

"Yeah, not going to happen."Roger chimed in.

"What baby, afraid you may ruin your masculine image?"

"Or are you afraid you may like it too much?"That was Maureen speaking, finally joining the conversation.

"NO!It is just…" Roger couldn't think of an excuse, and I was useless.I was just thinking of the four people in the room, I had already kissed half of them tonight.

Mimi pulled Roger to the floor and I sat next to him, knowing that the bottle couldn't point to us like that.

"No way you two…Mark, you sit over there."

"Mimi, come on…"

"No arguments, Mark!"

I stand up, "I need a drink if we are going to do this…"

"There is beer in the fridge, help yourself."

I got up and went to the kitchen, grabbed a beer, and by the time I got back the rules had already been made.We take turns spinning the bottle, whoever the bottle is pointing to have to kiss, for 30 seconds, open mouth.I roll my eyes, "I can't believe we are going to do this.Can't we play duck, duck, goose instead?"

"No, we can't." Mimi added, "Now sit."I do as she said,"You guys ready?"We all nodded, as Roger and I swig our beers, purposely not looking at each other.She leaned over and spun the bottle and sure enough, it landed pointing between Roger and me.The girls all howled, clapped and cheered. 

So here I am, on my hands and knees, crawling towards Roger."Don't forget, Marky, 30 seconds." 

I look over, "Yeah I know Maureen…"

"Roger, I shouldn't be jealous, should I?"Mimi chides in.

He glares at her and turns to me.He raises his eyebrows, as if to say, 'here goes nothing.'He leans and kisses me gently.It is a strange kiss, yet somehow familiar.To have a man's tough lips against mine, so soon after Maureen's moisturized lipstick dependent ones, feels strange.He is a good kisser, I can tell that.The thirty seconds seems to last forever, and I stop hearing the girls yelling and howling.I barely hear Joanne say stop, but I feel the coldness against my lips as Roger instantly pulls away.I unconsciously reach up and touch my mouth, which almost feel bruised from his strong lips against them.

I look up at Roger, but he won't look at me, or anyone.Mimi goes over to Roger and asks him if he is ok, he just nods.Joanne announces we should continue and we all sit back down, and she spins the bottle.This time it ends up pointing between Mimi and Maureen.Roger snaps out of his daze enough to hoot at his girlfriend about to kiss another girl.I sit back and watch him.Did he feel that too?Did he feel what?What did I feel?Why am I dwelling on this longer than I did the kiss with Maureen outside?Shouldn't that be on my mind still?Not Roger and his tender, but rough lips.Christ, Mark, stop it!

"MARK!"

"What?"I snap back to reality.

"It is your turn to spin." Joanne reaches out to me, "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, oh, yeah, I'm fine.Tired…" I fake a yawn.

"Well it has been a long day, do you want to go into our room and sleep?"I shake my head.

"I'm ok."

"No, you should sleep Mark, I got you up really early, remember?" Maureen looks at me.

"Yeah, well, I never really slept last night."I don't sleep most nights, but no one knows that."I'm fine, don't worry about me.I was just thinking about the loft and what I was going to do."Not the exact truth but the seem to believe it.

"Why don't we stop playing?"Mimi suggested finally.

"After only two rounds?" Joanne fakes a pout, "But I didn't get to kiss anyone."

"OH! I'll kiss you Pookie!"With that the two of them are making out. 

I roll my eyes, "And they wanted me to sleep in their bed."

"Yeah, well you would have been kicked out."Joanne is tugging Maureen towards their bedroom."I think we will see you tomorrow…"

Maureen stops before they enter and comes over to me and hugs me."We're ok, right?"

"Yeah, we're good."She kisses me quickly on the cheek.

She whispers in my ear, "I meant what I said out there."  
"Sure…"

She puts on a pout and walks back to Joanne.

I turn back to Roger and Mimi.Or I should just say Roger, Mimi is passed out on the couch."Wow, that was fast."

"Yeah, she had a lot to drink tonight."

"I noticed."

"Look, Mark, you know me, I'm not one for talking.I just want to be sure we are ok, right?There are no weird feelings going on, right?"

Not if you don't think me being attracted to you is weird."No, we're cool."

He nods, and goes to the sofa, and starts pulling off his boots."This has just been a crazy day."

"You're telling me.I got arrested, lost my home and kissed my best friends… best friend today."I quickly cover my mistake, but he didn't notice, he is too busy laughing.

"I think you should just go to sleep before anymore disasters happen."

"Yeah, good idea."

I grab a pillow from the couch and a blanket and lay down on the floor, where we had just been playing the game.I stare at the ceiling and start thinking about everything that happened today, yesterday, last month, last year.I can't have feelings for Roger. It doesn't make sense.How come the butterflies came back though?I think I just must have been through too much today.It is the only explanation.Maybe I should get away.Get out of New York for a little while.This is the time after all.I don't really have a home.

I roll on my side towards Roger and Mimi, "Rog?"

"Mmm…" He is almost asleep.

"I think I'm going home tomorrow.To Scarsdale."

"Mmmm, ok…"

Ok, you all know what to do now… go forth and review!


	6. Maureen and Joanne's Place: The Next Mor...

A/N: Ok, so I just spit this out so it probably has a zillion mistakes.But I like it and I wanted to update.So Mark isn't going home this chapter, but he will be next.I'm glad a lot of you are excited about that.Please review this section, cause seriously, the speediness of my writing is dependent on my reviews.

Oh yeah… not my characters.Jonathan Larson created them.

I must have fallen asleep, because Joanne walking around the apartment wakes me up.I sit up slowly and look around, my head pounding.It takes me a moment to remember where I am, and why I am here.Then I look over at Joanne, and the memory of my talk with Maureen resurfaces.I look over at the couch where Mimi and Roger lie wrapped in each other's arms and my head does one last harsh pound.I lie back down and cover my head with the pillow, trying to convince myself the whole thing was a dream.

But it wasn't.

I sit up again and push myself off the ground.I hear the sound of coffee percolating before the smell hits me.I go over to the kitchen and sit down on one of the stools by the counter.The kitchen is actually very large considering the size of the apartment.Joanne is fixing herself lunch, her braided hair tied in a tight knot.Her designer suit probably cost more than my entire wardrobe, but yet it doesn't bother me the way Benny's trendy attire does.

"Good morning Jo."I speak to her back, and she shakes like I startled her.

"Mark, hey, good morning.I almost forgot you were here."She pours herself a cup of coffee."Was I too loud?"

"No, you were fine, I just woke up… you know strange place."

She nods, and holds up her cup."Want some?"

"Sure, thanks."She drinks her coffee black and slides a full mug to me.I search around for some sugar or cream, but do not find any, so I barely sip at the mug.

"Look, Mark, can I talk to you for a second?"

I look up at her, one glance at her expression and I know Maureen told her everything."Joanne, I can explain."

She holds up her hand, "No need, Maureen explained everything.She kissed you, she told you that she was in love with you.That IS what you were going to say, right?"

"Isn't that leading the witness?"I ask timidly.

She doesn't even respond, just continues where she left off."Look, it kind of relieves me actually.I mean, I always wondered how she could so easily shut off her feelings for you.Especially YOU.You are so smart and funny and cute…"

"Uh, Joanne?"

"Just listen.I figured, you are like the perfect boyfriend for a girl.So yeah, when she and I met, she was quote on quote, over you."She pantomimes quotations with her fingers,"I always wondered why. Seriously Mark, if I wasn't gay, I would go for you."

"Uh…"

"But the thing is, I just excepted that she came to terms with her sexuality and who she is.So I tried not to question it.Part of me always felt that her heart must be pretty damn cold to completely shut you out of it.So, now I know.I know that my Honeybear is capable and able to love."She puts down the coffee mug hard on the table."Now, you just have to stay away from her."

"What?"I look up at her wide-eyed."Joanne, there is nothing going on with Mau…"

"I know.But you both still love each other.And she and I love each other.And I love you too Mark, in a different way of course.I just think it would be best if you didn't stay here again, and just stay away for awhile."

The sincerity of her words, the look on her face, I can actually see she is jealous."No, you got it wrong.I'm over her."

"Yeah, right.You don't "get over" Maureen."Again with the fake quotation marks."I'm not trying to be a bitch, I just have to do what is right for me.Please don't hate me."

"I don't hate you.I just wish I could convince you that there is nothing to worry about."

She carries her empty mug to the sink and starts to wash it."Just for a little while, ok?So she and I can figure things out?"She throws the dishtowel on the counter and I see a glimmer of tears in her eyes."Please, Mark?She doesn't know what she wants anymore."She looks away from me, "She doesn't know if she wants me."  
"Joanne," I walk over to her and pull her in for a hug and rub the wool fabric of her jacket."You know what she is like.Every time she cheated on me, she had to figure out what she wanted.It used to piss me off.Here she did something wrong, and before I can make a decision about our future, she tells me she needs time away to figure things out.."

Joanne pulls back nodding, "Yeah, that is exactly what she did."

"See, it is just her way of taking control of the situation.By the time she is "ready" to talk," now I gesture the quotation marks, "you will have missed her so much that you are willing to forget everything."I take a deep breath and one of Joanne's hands.

"That bitch… she can't do that to me."

I smile at Joanne, "Look, I decided last night to go home for awhile anyway. So I won't be around.When I get back, I'll check in with you before I see her.You can let me know what the update is, ok?"

"Yeah, sounds good."She smiles and wipes the last of the tears."You're going home to Scarsdale?"I concur, still debating if it is a good idea or not."Are you sure? Maureen has told me about your family, especially about your dad."

I shrug, a little pissed.Maureen and Roger are the only ones who know about my dad, and I can't believe that Maureen told Joanne.But then, what else do I expect from her?"It will be fine."I rub the back of my neck looking down, "Is it ok if I leave a bunch of stuff here?I really don't want to carry it back and forth."

She hugs me, "Of course.Look sweetie, I got to go."She kisses my cheek."Call me, ok?"Before I can respond she grabs her briefcase and is out the door.

Before I allow myself to think, dwell or change my mind, I go take a quick shower.I enjoy the clean towels and fancy shampoo and soaps in the small, but bright bathroom.No wonder Maureen left in a hurry.I open up their medicine cabinet and search for some hair gel, but the sight of a bottle lubricant makes me shut the door quickly.I dry off and get dressed in the same clothes as yesterday, defeating the purpose of the shower.

I walk out and I am surprised to find Roger, upright and rubbing his eyes.I sigh, I was hoping for a clean getaway."Morning, Roger."I go over to my pile of belongings and start sorting through what I want to take with me, and what can stay here.

"Morning.What are you doing?"

"Organizing my life."I sit cross-legged on the floor as I sift through the bag of film reels and pictures, debating if I will actually do work in Scarsdale.

"Organize?Do you know the meaning of that word?"I hear him shuffle and his steps toward the kitchen.He picks up the percolator and finds it still pretty full.He congratulates himself as he grabs a mug.

"Haha, very funny.I'm trying to decide what to bring with me."I don't permit myself to look towards him.I don't want to know what he is feeling, if anything at all.I don't want to dwell on anything.It was a stupid game, I remind myself.It was an accident and a stupid game.He must know that, why don't I?

"Why where are you going?"I hear him take a sip of coffee and then swear as he burns his mouth.

"Home.I told you last night."

"Mark, do I have to remind you?Benny… Mr. Gray… the building being destroyed…"

"I meant home to Scarsdale."

Coffee comes flying out of his mouth in shock."What?"

"I just told you, I'm going home to Scarsdale."

"The hell you are!"His voice is getting loud and I automatically look over to Mimi who is still sleeping soundly on the couch.

"Shh… be quiet, Mimi."I nod in her direction.

He lunges towards me, "What the fuck do you mean you are going to Scarsdale?"

I know what he is getting at, but I pretend I don't."I _mean_, I am going to go to Port Authority, get on a bus and go visit my mom and my sister."

"What about your dad?"

I shrug, I honestly haven't thought about it.

"Mark, _what _about you dad?"

"I don't know.Maybe."

"Fuck this shit."He grabs my bag from my hands."You aren't going anywhere."

"Roger, last I knew, I was able to make my own decisions."

"Do you want me to remind you why you left?Why you haven't been back in…" He stops to count, "Six years?"

"No, I know why."I stand up and reach for my bag, but he pulls it away.

"Mark, I will not let you go there."

"Give me my bag."

"No."

"GIVE ME MY BAG!"

"NO!"  
"Oh Christ, this is ridiculous."I grab another bag and start filling it with clothes, "I don't need your fucking permission to go home." 

"That isn't your home."I have my back to him, so I don't see his face.But the words he speaks sound desperate and honest.I quickly look to him.He straightens up, "Uh, you know what I mean."

"Look, why don't we just say what this is really about?"I stand up, grabbing my camera, pretending to inspect it, but really I'm waiting for his response.

"What are you talking about?"

"Last night.The kiss."

"Uh, there is nothing to talk about, it was a game, remember?"

"Yeah, I know, I just…" I'm not going to be the one to say it.Not if he really thinks it didn't matter."Never mind." 

He hands me my bag, practically throwing it into my chest."Look, I'm sorry."I don't know what part he is apologizing for.For kissing me, acting like it didn't mean anything, for taking my bag… or for just everything in general.

"It's ok."I walk towards the door, my packed personal belongings and my camera in my hands. "I'll be back soon.Just need to get away."

He nods and goes to hug me.I can't return the hug without jeopardizing the perfect balance I have with my luggage.He pulls back, "Look, call me in you need anything.Someone to bitch to, a ride home or anything."

"Sure, no problem, except you don't have a phone… or a car for that matter."  
He grins at me, that boyish grin that he saves only for me and Mimi."You'll find me."He rubs my hair and opens the door for me.

I walk out onto the street and have to stop to reposition my belongings.I stand on the stoop long enough to hear Roger yell from the window for me to wait.I remain still and he comes running out the door.

"Here."He hands me a bunch of crumpled bills.

"Where did you…?"I look at the money, there has to be about one hundred dollars here.  
"Don't worry about it.Just be safe ok?"

I nod.

He looks down, but his eyes are looking at me."Look, I uh… I know what happened yesterday didn't not mean anything."

I nod again.I repeat his words, trying to sort out the double negatives and figure out what he is saying.

"I mean, I know it meant something.I just don't know what it meant."He doesn't look at me again and he turns back to the door.I am left standing, facing where he just was.He is about to go inside but he stops again, "I'm just afraid I liked it."With that he disappears and the door shuts loudly behind him. 

  
Ack!What will happen???I know!Well, actually I kind of know.Please let me know if you like what I am doing, if you hate it.Is the dialogue ok?Are they in character???All that stuff.Joanne is a little hard for me, how did I do?


	7. Scarsdale

A/N: Everyone, please repeat after me…

A/N: Everyone, please repeat after me…. Thank You Norton Disk Doctor… Thank You Norton Disk Doctor… we had a scare there folks.I thought I lost it all.I lost a paragraph, not so bad.So here it is, the long awaited trip home.Please continue with the reviews, they truly make me happy.

Oh yeah, Erica, no matter how twodimensional she is, belongs to me. Everyone else, Jonathan Larson.

I decide to use my newfound wealth and grab a cab to Port Authority.The ride there is short and fast.I hold the camera out the window and begin narrating.

"New York City flashes by, just like the past few years of my life.Was Roger right?Is this the end?Or is this the beginning?The beginning of what exactly?" 

"Excuse me, you say something?"The driver interrupts me.

"Oh no, sorry."I put the camera down, a little embarrassed.

Roger… what on earth was going on there?Why can't I forget what happened last night?And from what he said, he can't forget it, either.But what does this mean for us?There are so many things wrong with what I am thinking, and only one right.I lean my head against the window, thinking of why this is wrong.The first one of course, neither of us is gay or bisexual.At least, I know I am not; maybe Roger is and never told me.Maybe I am, and have never let myself consider it?I couldn't be, that would just prove to my father that he was right… My father… I hit my head against the glass, why the hell was I going back there?Why did I feel this sudden urge to face him?Was it to prove to myself something?I vowed never to go back there until I made it, but in whose eyes?Roger thinks I am successful… Roger… why am I thinking about him again?Mimi… she is another reason why this is wrong.They are love with each other.They are perfect for each other, she found Roger when no one else could.She brought Roger back to life.I love her for that.I don't want to hurt her.

Shit, Mark, what are you talking about?You can't hurt Mimi.Roger would never leave Mimi for you.You don't even want him to.You love Roger as a friend, a friend like no other, someone to trust and put your faith in completely, but that is it.If you attempt to change anything… he would never allow it.

That's it.I don't want to be _with_ Roger, I just want to be with him.I just don't want anything to change.Neither does he.Those kisses, those feelings, they were a connection between two people.It didn't matter that the two were males, what mattered was they loved each other, and they needed each other.They were both were afraid of what was around the corner.They were afraid that their innocence, long lost, would be gone forever. That they would never share any more in-jokes, or late night card games, or conversations that morphed from movies to music to their failed relationships without even missing a beat.They were afraid of losing each other.

That is all it was.A last ditch effort to savor the pass.Then why the butterflies?Just forget about the butterflies, just figure out a way that things won't have to change.I just need to go home, deal with my demons there, and then come back and continue my life in New York, with my friends.It is that simple.

Before I can realize it, the taxi has dropped me off and I am boarding a bus to Scarsdale.The bus ride itself isn't that long.I always try to forget how close Scarsdale actually is to the city.The two have always been two completely different worlds.Two distinct Mark Cohen's existed in each.

In the city, I was relaxed, busy, outgoing, and integral member of a family.A family that was full of creative people who understand each other.I will always appreciate Roger's love for songwriting and his guitar, I will always recognize the look that Maureen gets after a performance and they are empathize to my self-installed perfectionism.Though they tease me that I never let them see any of my work but a finished product, they understand.And even though none of us have "made it" yet, it is only financially speaking.We all have produced work that we are proud of, and we are all proud of each other.

It was different in Scarsdale.The Mark Cohen that existed in Scarsdale was shy and quiet.He still hid behind his camera."Just a phase," they said.No Cohen had ever left home to be an "artist".Cohen's view success by how much your paycheck is, and how much money is in your 401K.I barely know what a 401K is.They don't understand how I could give up a life of country clubs and big houses, to live in a dirty loft with, as my mother says, "God knows how many people".

The bus driver announces Scarsdale as our next stop, and I begin to gather my things. I peer out the window, shocked and amused by how things have changed, but yet they stay the same.That restaurant on the corner, that has changed names and ethnicity about ten times, is now a Thai restaurant.The small video store I worked at in high school is now a Blockbuster.The bus drives past my elementary school, where kids are outside playing and I laugh at how small it all seems.

The bus stops and I get off and for the first time realize that I never called anyone to let them know I was coming.Therefore, there is no one waiting for me here.I go over to a payphone, set my bags down, keeping a grip around the handles, and then remembering where I am, and let go.I dig through my pockets for a quarter and I'm about to plop it into the phone when I notice a cab sitting there.

I quickly debate, should I call or just show up?The look on my mom's face would be too priceless to pass up, so I grab my bags and get in the cab, perhaps the only one in town.

"32 Cedar St, please."Even the address sounds pretentious.

"That's in Pine Grove?"

"Yeah."He nods and actually opens the door for me.Much different than the city cab drivers I am used to.He also drives extremely slow, letting the meter run up.I have to tell him to hurry up, but he says something about the speed limit.Amazing, 35 miles from the city, and it feels like a different country.

We pull into Pine Grove Estates.It is one of those planned communities they built where all the houses look exactly the same.He winds the car around the roads and I tell him which house is mine.I get out, pay him quickly and take a deep breath and go to the door.

Do I knock or just walk in?This is after all the house I grew up in.Yet, I in no way live here anymore, I don't even really belong here anymore.I decide to knock.No one answers.I try the door, and it is locked.It didn't occur to me that she wouldn't be home.I pick up the doormat, where there was always a key left, but it is gone.I walk over to the garage and peek in, and sure enough it is empty.I walk around the back.The pool is still covered from the winter, dead leaves floating on the top.I try the back door and it is locked.I go back to the front of the house and sit on the steps and wait.I waste some time filming my old neighborhood.The names on the mailboxes of my neighbors are different.I briefly wonder what happened to the Murphy's and the Fox's.They were on each side of me, and they had boys who were my age, Jimmy and Nicky.They were best friends, and only invited me along to torture me.I remember sitting in my room, watching them cut back and forth across our lawn going to each other's houses.I was so jealous of their friendship.I wanted a best friend like that.

It has started getting dark, and no sign of my mother.Of course, now, I'm stuck here.There aren't many payphones in Pine Grove.A car drives by slowly, and then pulls in to the house next door.A young blonde woman gets out, and I unconsciously film her walking to the backseat and pulling out a young toddler.The child gets out of the car and runs to the edge of their driveway."Mama, who's that?"I realize he is pointing at me and I put the camera down and wave.Great, she is probably going to think I'm some pervert about to steal her child or something.

The woman goes toward the boy and picks him up and keeps looking at me."Mark?Mark Cohen?"

Do I know her?No, this is a very different family Jimmy Murphy.How does she know who I am?"Yeah…" I say wearingly, I can only assume my mother has filled the new neighbors in on her 'hippie son who makes movies in New York.'

"Hey… how are you?"The woman steps over the small bushes that separate the yards and walks towards me.

"Okay…" I smile at the boy in her arms.I really like kids; they allow me to act like one myself.

"You don't know who I am, do you?"  
"Uh…" I rub the back of neck and look down, "Of course I do."

She hits me playfully, "No you don't, that's ok though.Erica Chapman… but now it is Williams."

_Erica Chapman… Erica Chapman…_ "Oh shit, we went to high school together!"She looks so much older, her haircut short and stylish, a little too much makeup.She looks like a mother, like my mother.

"Hey… watch the language…" She puts her son down, and he starts running around the yard.

"Sorry, I'm not used to being around kids… He's cute though."

"Thanks, his name is Mathew…" She looks at me, "So how have you been?Your mother has filled me in on a lot."

"Yeah, I bet…" Erica Chapman… I had a crush on her."Wow, I had such a crush on you…" Did I say that out loud?

She laughs, "Yeah, I know.You asked me out a few times."

"Yeah, well I was pretty geeky then."  
She reaches out to my black horn rim glasses, "Still are from what I see."

"Gee thanks."Mathew screams as he starts running. "Wow a kid… a husband and a house… good for you."It occurs to me, that she is the same age as me.Is this where I am supposed to be?Am I supposed to have a wife, kid and mortgage too?Or is she the one that is wrong?Did she rush into a grown up life, or am I just hiding from it?

"Well, the kid and the house anyway, the husband and I are getting divorced."

Well that answers that question."Oh, I'm sorry."

She shrugs and mumbles something about the guy sleeping with the vice-president, but she is getting the house and the lawyers say she can get him for alimony.When she is talking to me, it seems so adult and grown up.Is this what normal people talk about?Do I know how to be a normal person?I nod and agree with her and pretend to understand the legal jargon she is tossing out.Then she says, "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Anyone special in your life?"

Yeah, there area a lot of special people in my life,"Not at the moment, I've just been concentrating on work."

"Still filming, huh?"She nods towards the camera."I remember in high school, you always had that thing in your hands, no one was safe."

I nod and remember.It was just one more thing to alienate me from the others.No one, except for people like Maureen, likes to have a camera stuck in their face all the time.I hadn't acquired the knack of disappearing against a wall, or being almost invisible to those around me.I was just an obnoxious kid, blatantly filming everything thing I saw."Yeah, I make documentaries.At least that is what I call them, mostly I just film my friends and our lives."Why am I belittling myself to her?Why don't I tell her that my films are more than just my friends and me?That they are about survival, and disease and love and friendship… that they are my way of freezing time, so that when I am the lone survivor, I can go back and remember them as they were?

"Oh, your mom said something about you working for _Buzzline_.How is that going?"

"I quit there a long time ago."

"Oh?How come?A better offer?"

"No, I just wasn't happy."I sound like such a failure, but I don't feel the need to explain to her about selling out, and about how I needed to finish my film, and Angel's funeral, and Roger taking off.It is too much, she wouldn't understand.Then it strikes me.All of those things are very grown up as well.They are different kinds of problems, more gritty, more hard.It wasn't that I am hiding from an adult world, in fact, my world is very grown-up.It is just completely a different set of problems and lifestyle than the one I left behind when I was eighteen.

Suddenly, she hits my arm again."Did your mom ever tell you about Jimmy and Nicky?"

Did she?Was I even listening if she did?I shake my head, "No, what about them?"

"Well, they graduated then went to school together in Montana."  
"Yeah, I remember, on football scholarships."

"Well, after a year, they both dropped out and bought a farm and raise guinea pigs.Turns out they had been _together_ all through high school."

I raise my eyebrows, "Are you kidding me?"

"No!They had the nerve to show up to the five year reunion, can you believe that?"

I ignore the last comment, and laugh.I remember how envious I was of their friendship.How I wanted so badly wanted a best friend to hang out with, and always have around.I realize, that I found that in Roger."Well, good for them."I smile at her.

"Ugh, I mean come on, they were sleeping together in high school!"

"So?"From what I remember, she was sleeping with a few different guys in high school.

"So… come on Mark… oh wait… are you gay too?" 

Somehow, 'I don't know, never considered it until last night,' doesn't seem like the right response."No, but some of my closest friends are."I start wishing that she would just go away.I try to remember what I actually ever saw in her.

"Oh, well… sorry."She turns to her son, "Come on Mathew, time for your bath."He comes running over, a little to eager for bath time if you ask me."Well, Mark, it was great seeing you, are you going to be around for long?"

"I don't know, probably not."

"Well, maybe if I can get a babysitter, we can go on that date."

"Yeah, maybe."I smile and try not to gag in her face.She walks away, and suddenly the garage door behind me begins to open.Sure enough, a Volvo Station Wagon turns the corner and down the driveway.

I just stand there, with a grin on my face, imagining my mother's reaction to seeing me.The garage door begins to close and I hear a door slam.Christ, the woman is so oblivious; she doesn't even notice her only son standing in the doorway.I go back to the front door and knock.She doesn't answer.I knock again.I hear her approach, and then stop.I knock a third time, and this time she opens the door.

"Hi mom."I fan a wave and a big grin.

"MARK!?!"She runs out of the door.She is wearing a business suit similar to Joanne's.It is strange for me to see my mother like this.She never worked when we were kids, not even after my father left.I start to vaguely recall her telling me something about getting her real estate license.She hugs me tight and then pulls back, "What are you doing here… you are too skinny… what does your shirt say… when was the last time you got a haircut…" She fires out all of the questions and statements, and I don't even have a chance to answer them.Before I know it, I'm sitting on a new leather couch, and she is still shooting questions at me.

I have to laugh at my mother.I know she loves me, and I know she has all the best intentions, but I can't help but laugh at her.She is so typical. She is a living stereotype.She is everything a Jewish Mother is supposed to be.From the bleached hair, teased out in all directions, to the long painted fingernails, and of course the New York accent.Before I can object she is pulling some leftovers from the freezer and heating up some dinner for the two of us.She doesn't let me say a word, until there is a dinner plate in front of me.She is having some yogurt and granola."Ok, tell me everything."

"Well…" I tell my mom that I just felt like coming for a visit.I spout out something about being blocked in my work and thought some time away would be a good idea.I mentioned that I didn't live at the loft anymore, and that I was looking for a new place, so the time seemed right.

"I'm glad you don't live in that hell hole anymore.I worry about you!What if there was a fire?That place would burn down in seconds, you would never get out.Plus that neighborhood, all those homeless hanging around outside, how did you ever feel safe?"

"Well, we had locks on the doors, besides the homeless were shuffled away a few years ago."I remember the one and only time my mother came to see me in the city.She and some woman from the temple were going to see a Broadway show, Phantom, I think.She convinced them to go downtown to meet her son.Well, they were appalled to find me living in basically squalor. Things were pretty rough at that point, Roger was using, Benny, Collins and Maureen were still living there, so there were mattresses strewn all over the floor.There was a garbage strike going on in the city, so our trash was piled by the door and a distinct smell permeated throughout the loft.My poor mother, I think she had convinced herself that I was working for Woody Allen or something.She was so embarrassed.Needless to say, she never made a return visit. 

"Well, I just worry."She finishes her yogurt and gets up and starts rifling through the cabinets.

"Mom, why don't you just have some of what you heated for me."  
"Oh, I'm find, don't worry about me."She comes back with a box of crackers and some cheese.I shake my head at her, and continue eating."So how is everyone?How's Roger?"

My mom knew a little bit about Roger.She knew he was HIV+ because I had used that as an excuse not to come home a few times."He's doing well.He is feeling good."I put the fork down, my plate now empty."So is his girlfriend."

"Marie?"

"Mimi, mom."

"Right.What about Maureen?Is she still a lesbian?"

I laugh, "Yeah, she is.I don't think there is much turning back on that one."

"Why, she thought she was straight for a while, I thought maybe she changed her mind."

"Nope."

She leans over and rumples my hair, "That's to bad, honey.I know you liked her a lot."

I shrug."Yeah, we're just friends now."

"That's great."She stands and takes my plate.

"Mom, I'll get that."

"Don't be ridiculous, you are a guest.Do you want me to call Cindy and tell her you are here?"

I shrug again, "Sure, why not."

"Wait until you see the baby!He is so adorable.Wait, you haven't even seen Victoria yet have you?"I shake my head.I have always felt a little guilty for not being a part of my nieces and nephews' lives."Well, she looks just like Cindy, it is remarkable.And Joe Junior looks just like you."

"Me? Poor kid."

"Oh, he is adorable."She picks up the phone and hits one number, speed dial I presume.I absently wonder if my number is on the speed dial and where it is._"Cindy?Hey sweetie, guess who's here…Oh sure… well, I just wanted to let you know Mark is here… ok… yeah… call back…"_ She hangs up the phone."She's on the other line with your father."

"Oh." 

"She's calling right back, don't worry." 

I smile and nod, great, now my dad will know I'm in town.There is no escape.The phone rings almost immediately._Hello Cindy?Oh, Charles, yeah, he's here, hold on…" _She reaches the phone out to me, "It's him."I shake my head, but she steps closer to me.I take the cordless.

"Hello?"

"Well, well, look who showed up."

"Hey Dad.How are you?"

"What, did you run out of money?"

"Yeah," I laugh nervously, "a long time ago."

"I still can't believe you fucked up that Buzzline job.That was your chance."

"Dad… don't start, I just got here ok?"I fall back on the leather couch and close my eyes.Why did I come back here again?

"Oh sure, no problem."He laughs over the phone, that hard, bitter laugh I grew up with."So, can I buy you dinner tomorrow?"

"Well, I think I may…"

"Bullshit.You can change whatever plans you have to have dinner with your old man."

"Great."

"Ok, meet me at the club at 6:00, ok?"

"Yeah, sure."Christ, the country club.Summers of childhoods past come flooding.Failed tennis lessons, sunburns, being forced to wear a suit on hot, humid nights for dinners that I didn't even like.I hang up the phone and lay down on the couch, wishing I were anywhere but here.

  
  
  
  



	8. The Country Club

A/N:They still belong to Jonathan.Still no end it site.I told you all this would be long.Keep reviewing though!

"Where do you want this?"I shift the weight of the box I am barely holding on to.

"Over here, by the couch.That way we can go through it."She points to a space between the couch and the coffee table, to small for the box.I just drop it where I am.  
"We can look through it from here."I swear my mother had a list of odd jobs that she has been saving for me.So far today, I have helped her rearrange the furniture, uncover the pool, hang up pictures and now she is having me move boxes to and from the attic.The current box was one of the four that had been packed and stacked in my old closet, filled with my old possessions.She packed them up for me when she turned it into an exercise room.Six years, these boxes were stacked in my former room, and she has been waiting for me to come home and go through them, so that I can take what I want.

I collapse on the carpet near the box, wiping the sweat from my forehead.I open the box and find the contents of what used to be in my life.Like old friends I pull the items out one by one and get reacquainted.Various _Star Wars_ action figures; a now broken, once collector edition, model of the Millennium Falcon, a framed picture of Indiana Jones, signed by Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford, and at the bottom, my first script.I laugh as I pull it out of the box, the pages stained by time, and open it to the middle.I read the terrible science-fiction farce that I attempted, I remember the hours spent creating miniature spaceships and then even more hours trying to make imitate the first shot of _2001: A Space Odyssey_.

I actually put that in the pile to keep, and put the rest of the contents back in the box.My mother carries out the rest of the boxes, two of them are full of clothing I haven't worn since I was eighteen.I briefly dig through it and push it aside.I may not be a fashion guru, but I know that these clothes weren't even in style then."Good will, mom."I push the box towards her and then start through the last one.

This is the one I was wondering about.It holds my high school yearbooks and photo albums from my childhood.Before I got into film, I had a 35mm camera that I utilized every chance I had.I sit and look through each picture, looking for some sort of clue.A clue to what, I am not sure, but I search for something.

Because I was the photographer for most of the pictures, I rarely appear.There are a lot of my sister, her cat Queen Victoria, and a few of my parents.My parents stayed together for much longer than they should have.Just scanning through the photos, there are hardly any of them together, and if they are, they are on separate sides of the frame.My mother is always smiling though.

Even then, I knew they weren't in love.I didn't find out until I was fifteen about all the women my father had been with.My mother knew, but she stayed with him, too afraid of the stigma of being a divorcee.Our house was silenced by their secrets and their unhappiness.My mother, always concerned about what the neighbors thought, kept up appearances.She showered us with love and affection, though I always felt it was an act.On the other hand, my dad was miserable in this house, and he wanted to make everyone else miserable with him.He was impossible to live with.I learned quickly to just keep my mouth shut, so that I wouldn't say something to piss him off, or give him fuel to ride me on.

"Mark, shouldn't you get ready to meet your father?"I look down at my faded t-shirt and jeans, and nod."When I was folding your laundry, I picked out what I thought was your nicest shirt and pants."

"Mom, why were you doing my laundry?"

"Because, you have nothing to wear.I wish I had something here for you to borrow, you don't have tie do you?" I laugh and shake my head."Tomorrow, you and I will go to the mall, I'll buy you some decent clothes."

"No, Ma, I'm fine.My clothes are fine."

"When was the last time you bought something new?Everything is faded or has holes in it.Come on, the slob look is over."

"I'm a filmmaker, I don't need to dress up."

"I'll wake you up at nine tomorrow, ok?"

I raise my hands, "Whatever."

I go into the guestroom and sure enough she has laid out my one shirt that has a collar and no stains.I quickly change, glance at my reflection and leave the house.My mom let me borrow her car and it takes me a little bit to get used to driving again.I absently wonder if my license is even valid, knowing I have never renewed it.

The drive to the country club is quick.The longest part of it is the long driveway that takes you around the perimeter of the golf course and tennis courts.I park the car next to a Mercedes and as I'm walking by I notice the license plate _Cohen1_.Great.

I walk in and look around for my father.It has been six years since I've seen him, and the last time was a disaster.I have talked to him exactly three times since then, including last night.The last time I saw him was when I went home for what was supposed to be the summer between my sophomore and junior year at Brown.He had gotten me a job working at his bank; everything was all set up for me.But I had different plans.

Benny, who I had become pretty good friends with that year, was moving to New York with some friends for the summer.He spent the time between Spring Break and finals convincing me to go with him."The rent will practically nothing with all of us there, just think of what you could film, just think of who you could meet…" I really didn't need a lot of convincing.

There were five days between the time they kicked me out of the dorm, to the time we could move into the loft.Five days to deal with the family, and then freedom.I decided not to tell my parents about my plan until I was home.I told my mom first, and though she cried, she understood why I wanted to go."You'll be back to do you laundry, and dinner once a week, right?"I falsely promised her I would.

I went to my dad's on the third night.I was supposed to start the job on June 2nd, June 1st I was planning on moving.He didn't take the news well.He called me lazy, a slacker, a hippie, a faggot, and immature.He told me if I embarrassed him by not showing for work on Monday, then I could forget about going back to Brown.He flatly refused to pay my tuition, and threatened to make sure my mother wouldn't be able to either.

He had been drinking.Nothing unusual.Brandy was his favorite.I tried it once when I was fourteen; it tasted like mouthwash that had gone bad.

In the twenty years up to that point, my father had called me every name there ever was, criticized every decision I ever made, found fault with everything I ever accomplished, but he never hit me.Not until that night. 

I wasn't saying anything.I told him my decision.My voice was confident and steady; I knew if I showed him weakness, I would be staying in Scarsdale.But this was something I wanted, something I needed to do.So I told him and he began to rant.He threw his glass at me, missing me by about five inches.It shattered when it hit the wall.This pissed him off.He came after me, and shoved me against the wall.He dared me to talk back, but I remained silent.He finally stepped away, and looked at me with his bloodshot eyes.I'll never forget what he said to me, and I'll never forget my response.

"You are setting yourself up for a paltry, pathetic life.You are never going to make something of yourself.You are a failure, you have never succeeded in anything."

"Like father, like son, Dad."

That was when his fist hit my jaw.

I walked out of his apartment, went to the house and packed up everything that I could carry.My mother, probably having taken some sort of sleeping pill, was passed out on the couch.I scribbled a note to her and caught the next bus to New York.I never went back.

Until now.

I spot my father at the bar, where else?It surprises me that he in now gray; though it would make sense.I quickly calculate in my head, my father is has turned sixty.The thought seems strange.My father is an old man.

His back is turned towards me as I approach; he is having a very animated discussion with the man sitting next to him.I notice the familiar glass of golden liquid placed in front of him.I absently comb my hair with my fingers and tap him on the shoulder.

"Hey Dad."I give him a wave, and then drop my hand, feeling stupid.

"Mark!Christ, look at you!"I nod."Shit, you grew up."

_And you grew old, _"Yeah, that happens I guess."

He turns away from me and finishes his conversation with the other man, downs the rest of his drink and slams his glass on the bar."Well, shall we?"

I nod and follow him.The waitress knows him by name and we are seated immediately.I peruse the menu, deciding on what I want, he doesn't even look at it.We still haven't said a word.

The waitress comes over and he orders another brandy, and asks me what I want.I order a tea and ignore my father's scoffing."So, what brings you to Scarsdale?"

I shrug, "I don't know, needed to get out of the city, see Mom…" The waitress brings me my tea and I begin to stir it absently.

"Oh isn't that sweet?" I look up at him, "So, get anymore job offers that you could turn down lately?"

"Nope."

"I still can't believe that _Buzzline_ thing, seriously, I saw your stuff on the news… I was impressed, but of course you had to go fuck it up."

"Of course I did, I wouldn't be your kid if I didn't."  
He slams his hand on his table and leans over, pointing his finger in my face; "You best not cause a scene here, ok?Let's just leave well enough alone."

"Fine, _Father_, whatever.Wouldn't want to upset you club friends."I roll my eyes and sit back in my chair.

"Ok, well," he takes a big sip of his drink, "if you aren't working, there must be a girl.Who is she?"

"There's no one."

He gets a little smirk on his face, "I knew it.You're a faggot, aren't you?"  
"Dad, would you shut up?"

"Fuck, you are.Great, there is something to put in the Holiday Cards this year.No wonder you like living where you do, your kind is all over the place."

I stand up, "Well this was great fun, remind me six years from now, not to bother…"  
"Mark, sit your ass down.I'm only joking with you."

I stand there for a moment, debating on what to do.I sit down.I know I shouldn't but something forces me too.Somehow, if I can make it through this dinner, I think I may figure something out.Though I am not exactly sure what.

"Listen, Mark, I don't care who you fuck, as long as your getting some."He laughs into his drink, and I smile and nod.

"Well I'm not, so you don't have to worry."

"What?You're not gay or you're not getting any?"

"Neither… I mean… either… forget it."The waitress comes back and we order, after she leaves I try and turn the tables."What about you dad?Seeing anyone?"

"Oh you know, son, here and there.Some more special than others."He grins at me.

"Yeah, I bet."We sit in silence until the food comes.I swirl the spoon around my tea; my father lights up a cigar.Amazing, father and son, and we have nothing to say.

The waitress brings us our food and my father tries again."So your sister told me your roommate has AIDS.That must be pretty tough."I look up at him, is my father showing an ounce of compassion?"I mean, it must real hard to stay away from him, right?"

Of course he isn't.Why the hell should I think he would?Somehow, bringing Roger into the conversation sets me off.He has no idea about my friends, my life or me.And I don't know anything about his, and I don't want to.

I take a deep breath and words that I have been holding in my entire life begin to escape."Dad, I don't feel I need to explain my life to you.You didn't care about me when I was growing up," are these words coming from my mouth? "And you don't care about me now."Keep going, don't stop now, "Thing is, it took me 26 years to figure it out, I don't care about you either." My voice is calm, steady, low; "I stopped trying to please you a long time ago.When I did, that was when my real life began.You know _nothing_ about my real life, and you never will."I stand up, dig through my pockets and throw the rest of the money Roger gave me on the table, "I don't want anything from you, I don't owe you anything." 

"Mark, you walk away from me…" His voice is louder, fiercer than mine is.

"No, wait, I do owe you something._YOU _gave me the skills to be a great filmmaker._You _taught me how to shut up and disappear._You _taught me how to hide me feelings, to bottle them up, to not share._You _taught me how to view the world through a 1 inch lens."

"You fucking pathetic, whiny brat. I gave you a good home, I sacrificed my life to raise you and this is the thanks I get?"

"Yep, this is the thanks you get."

I walk out of the club and go to my mother's car.I pass by the Mercedes with the _Cohen1_ license plate.I'm tempted to key it, or kick it or something.But I don't.Every ounce of courage I ever had was left back in that restaurant.

Somehow, I am able to drive.Somehow, I make it back to the house.I get out of the car and walk into the living room.My mother is watching TV. I sit down with her; she asks me how it went.I tell her fine.She says I am home early, I say the service was quick.

I excuse myself and go into the guestroom.I fall on the bed, and stare at the ceiling, something inside of me feels different.Something is dying or being reborn, I'm not sure which.But as I lie here, I can literally feel the blood in my veins flow more freely, the strain on my shoulders which has been there as long as I can remember, has faded away.My body tingles and feels light.I never want this feeling to end.

The phone rings.I look over at the clock; the red digital numbers read 9:34."MARK!"I sit up.It must be my father.

I walk out into the hallway; "I don't want to talk to him."

"Roger?"She looks at me confused.

"That's Roger on the phone?"She nods and hands me the cordless.I take the phone and go back into the guestroom and close the door.

"Roger?"

"Hey, Mark, how's it going there?"  
"Great, well, not completely…"  
"Yeah… uh… Mimi and I broke up today."

"What? Why?"

"Long story, I'll fill you in later."

"Ok… where are you?"

"Uh… I'm in Scarsdale."

"What?"

"I took a bus here.I didn't know where else to go.Will you come get me?"

I take a deep breath, Roger in Scarsdale… this isn't going to be pretty.

"Yeah, of course, I'll be right there." 


	9. Denny's

A/N: Here is the latest and greatest chapter

A/N:Here is the latest and greatest chapter.It is pure Mark and Roger, which are my favorite to write because they are the most easy for me.I hope you all are still enjoying it.There won't be an update for a little while because I'm going away this weekend, to see Jim's show and then the city to see Chad… uh, I mean Rent.

I rush out of the house, explaining little to my mother.On the way out of the door I mention that I was going to pick up Roger and then walk out before any of her questions could be answered.

I take my time driving, savoring my last few 'Roger-free' moments.It has only been two days, but I somehow feel different.A little more confident; a lot stronger.I conquered my dad.I faced the demon that has been peering over me for years and chased it away.I wonder if Roger will even notice. 

I turn into the bus station, and notice the lone figure sitting on the sidewalk stand when it spots the headlights.I pull in front of him, lean over and unlock the passenger side door. He casually throws his few belongings, the guitar case, and a duffle bag, which I don't recognize, in the backseat, and sits down.We don't speak for a few minutes.

"You hungry?" I finally say.

"Yeah, I could eat."

"Ok, then, there's a Denny's down the street, let's go there."He nods and leans his head against the glass of the window.

I pull into the Denny's and we go inside and the waitress asks us 'smoking or non-smoking' and I'm about to answer and Roger spits out, "Smoking."I look at him confused.

We are shown to our booth (more like it was pointed out to us) and as soon as we sit, he lights a cigarette.

"Well this is new."

"I don't want to hear it, Mark," he sternly responds.

"OK, fine."I pick up a sugar packet and start playing with it."So what happened?"

He blows out a thin line of smoke and sighs deeply."It just isn't the same, hasn't been for a long time."

"What do you mean?"

"We fight constantly.You know that.I was sleeping in the loft more than with downstairs with her."I nod."It just got to a point where it was easier to stay together than to break up."

"Well, what caused you to finally realize it?"

He shrugs as he flicks his ashes into the ashtray."Long story."

I sit back against the booth, "We have all night."

"Ok, Maureen said we could stay with them as long as we needed to.So last night, Mimi had to work, and I was left alone in the apartment with her and Joanne.Well they were fighting, screaming really loud."He looks at me strangely, "Something about you actually.Care to explain?"I wave him off and he continues, "So I had enough of listening to them fight, and I wasn't in the best mood to begin with, so I took off to visit Mimi at work."

"Oh no."I can see where this is going.

"Yeah, exactly."He inhales deeply on the cigarette."So I get there, and I'll give you one guess who else was there."

"Our former landlord?"He nods as he pounds the butt into the ashtray."OK, so what, he was there, you know he hangs out there."

He looks up at me, "She was dancing in front of him."

"Roger, that is her job."I try and gently remind him.

"Yeah, I know, but," He looks at me, "You just had to see it for yourself."He laughs, "So guess what I did?"

"Beat the shit out of him?"

"Not exactly." He laughs and points to his face.I guess I haven't really looked at him yet, because I finally notice that his cheek is bruised and swollen.

"Shit, did Benny do that?"

"Not exactly," he repeats.

"Uh… ok, who then?"

He pulls out another cigarette."Mimi."

I stare at him, a sound something caught between and gasp and a laugh escapes my mouth.

He nods, and lights his cigarette."Yeah."

"Ok, go on."

"Well, I go in and I see Benny sitting at a table by himself.I push aside my anger and jealousy," his expression changes for a minute, "A big step for me, I may add," I nod in agreement, "Anyway, I decide to sit down at the table with him."

"No shit, what did he do?"The waitress comes over with two mugs and fills them with coffee, even though neither of us ordered it.She shoves two menus at us, but neither of us looks at them.

"He stood up and shook my hand.I told him I was sorry to hear about him and Alison, and he apologized about the loft."

"That doesn't sound too bad."

"No, it wasn't."He glances down at the menu, purposely trying to add suspense to the story.It works.

"Ok, what happened then?"

"What? Oh…" He grins, enjoying himself.Typical Roger."So there's Mimi, dancing right in front of our table, she sees me and starts to freak out.I'm not sure why.I just sort of wave to say hi and she runs off the stage."

"Weird."

"Yeah.That's what I thought."He exhales and blows the smoke in my face. I wave it away.

"Thanks."I roll my eyes.

"Sorry.I just needed them today."

I nod, "Last pack though, right?"

"Do you want to hear this story or not?"

The waitress comes back to take our orders.I'm suddenly starved and I realized that I never ate at the country club.We both order burgers and she leaves again.

"Ok, so Mimi runs off stage and I look at Benny and ask him what's up.And he just shrugs, but he gets this half grin on his face, you know the one?The one where he knows something you don't?"

"Yeah, I know exactly what you are talking about."

"So yeah, he grins and I ask him again, what is up with Mimi, and he says I should ask her myself.So I repeat to him the question, and he tells me that she is just upset.I ask him how he knows, and he says she told him.I asked when, and he said 'whenever'.

"Whenever?"

"Yeah, whenever.So I asked him what he meant by that and he says something about every time I run back to you in the loft, she calls him and cries to him about what a bastard I am."

"She does?"

"Yeah, so now I'm really pissed.I get up and step on the stage and go backstage.This bouncer guy tries to stop me, but Mimi sees me and yells to him in Spanish and he leaves me alone."He puts out the cigarette and the waitress brings us our burgers."So I go up to her and before I can say a word, she starts screaming at me."

I start picking at my fries, "What was she screaming about?"

"Something about me checking up on her and that I don't trust her.She said I should know by now that she isn't fucking Benny and I'm the one that can't be trusted."

"You?You haven't cheated on her, have you?"

"No, and that is what I told her.I yelled back that I just wanted to get out of the apartment and visit her at work, and that I knew about the phone calls to Benny.So she said something about how I had you to lean on, and run away to, and she had no one.She said that Benny was a good friend and that was it."

"So, do you finally believe her?"

"Uh, not exactly, I called her a whore and that's when she hit me."

"Nice job, Roger."

"Look, I'm not proud, I was angry.We were yelling at each other, and I got mad, it just came out."

"So is that how it ended?"

"No, she started crying and I sat her down, and we talked a little more rationally.She said we keep having the same fight over and over and that I was obviously never going to trust her.I told her that it was hard for me to trust people.And she pointed out that I trusted you."

"Well, it is different with us."

"That is what I said, but she said that she knew that I loved you more than I could ever love her.That was why I always ran back to you."

"No, you went back to the loft, because that was where your stuff and your bed was. You kept in there for when you just wanted to get away."

"Mark, if I only wanted to get away from Mimi, I wouldn't go two flights upstairs."

"Yeah, but…" And then I got what he was saying.He was admitting what Mimi had said was true.

"So we decided that it was better if we stopped seeing each other.The thing is, this wasn't like our other break ups.We weren't screaming at this point.We were both calm and we decided.It really is over."

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine.I still love her, a part of me always will, but we just aren't meant for each other, you know?"

"Yeah, I know."I take a deep breath and push my plate away.

"So what about you?Have you seen your dad?"

I nod, and smile."Yeah, I sort of told him off tonight."

"No shit, what happened?"I rehash the events of earlier this evening, which already seems so far away and distant.This is what I mean, the two different worlds.Each world can almost make me forget about the other.Roger gets excited as I droll out the story.He starts banging on the table and actually cheers for me when I'm done.

He tells me how proud he is of me.

That strikes me.I don't think he has ever said that before.All I ever wanted was to hear those words from my father, but hearing them from Roger is one hundred times better.I respect and care and love Roger so much more.Love, shit, there is that word again.I try and push it away.

Suddenly, he shifts gears and gets serious again."I'm sorry that I just showed up here.I didn't know where else to go."

"You don't need to apologize."

"Yeah, well, I guess I'm just proving Mimi, right."

"So?"

"So, what if everything she said was right?"

"Like what?"

"Like that I'm in love with you."He concentrates swirling his french fry in the pile of ketchup on his plate.I watch him for a few moments, not sure if I should respond to that.

I take the easy way out; I change the subject."So are you ready to go meet my mother?"

"Hell yeah."He takes out a wad of money and throws it on the table. 

"Where did you get that?"

"Don't ask."That is what he said to me yesterday too.

We walk out of the restaurant, "I'm asking, where is this sudden cash flow coming from?"

"Nowhere, the band has been playing a lot."

I know that isn't true, but I drop it.We get into the car and start towards my house.Each street the houses get bigger and more luxurious.We pull into my neighborhood and Roger starts cracking up.He tells me that my father was right, that I was stupid for giving this up to live in a crappy loft in the East Village.I know he is only joking and we laugh as I pull in the driveway, and into the garage.

I open the car door and I'm about to step out, but he grabs my arm and stops me.

"Wait, before we go in.What I said before, well what Mimi said, are you freaked out?"

YES! But I don't say it, "No."

"Really?Cause I am?"

I smile, "Ok, yeah I am a little."

"Look, please don't let this change anything.You are my best friend, I don't want you to feel like anything is different."

"How do you want me to feel?"Very rarely does Roger show me this side of him.He looks at me, with pure vulnerability.

"I guess, I want you to feel the same way."I nod staring straight ahead."But if you don't, I understand.I know this whole this is weird."I remain silent for a few more seconds, and his voice changes to harsh embarrassment."Look, forget I said anything, ok?This conversation never happened."

He opens his door, and this time I grab his arm.I pull him towards me and I bring my face to his.He grasps the back of my neck and draws me closer and we kiss each other.This time, it isn't an accident, it isn't a game, it is real, and it scares me, because it is real.

How the heck did this turn into a slash fic?I swear, I had no intentions of this.Blame Kait, and her evil mind control and spork toting posse.Please review and tell me what you think.I… uh… sort of now have an ending in mind, but I'm not sure how I'm going to get there.Ok, scroll down and review now!Oh, and send me Chadvibes for Saturday.


	10. Mark's Mom's house

A/N Still not my characters.Still plugging away. 

I practically fall off the couch when I hear someone in the kitchen.I sit up and slit my eyes open enough to see that it is my mother.I quickly shut them and roll over so that I facing the side of the couch.

"Honey, you awake?"

"No."

She comes over and I hear her drop a bunch of things, sounds like changes and other miscellaneous stuff on the table next to the couch."This is just some stuff I got out of Roger's pants."

Roger's pants?What?Why is my mother going through Roger's pants?My eyes open and I roll over, "What are you talking about?"

"Well, I was doing laundry, and I thought Roger would like to have clean clothes."She starts walking away and I sit up.

"Ma, you haven't even met the guy, you can't seriously be doing his laundry."

"I feel like I know him, and I'll meet him soon enough."I sit up completely and lean my elbows on my knees and rub my eyes."Besides, I could smell the smoke on the clothes, and they were on my carpet."

"Oh my God, are you kidding me?"She sits down next to me, with her coffee mug in her hand.

"Mark, you are making a big deal out of nothing."

"Ok Mom, now what happens when he wakes up and has no clothes to put on?"  
"He has a whole duffle bag in there."I nod, forgetting about that.She pats the top of my head, "No worries, I'm sure he will appreciate it."She stands, "Now come to the breakfast room and have some bagels and coffee."I nod and try and wake up. 

I stumble into the breakfast room and my mother has laid out an assortment of bagels and cream cheese."Mom, there are only three of us in the house, we don't need a dozen bagels."

"Oh hush, we'll have them tomorrow too." 

"Great." I sit down and start to spread the cream cheese on the bagel.

"So what happened with Roger?"

"Huh?" I look up at her shocked, does she know?Can she tell?It was just one kiss followed by some real awkward moments and Roger declaring that he was exhausted and going straight to bed."Nothing happened with Roger."I spit out fast, hoping she won't catch on to anything.

"Then why is he here?He couldn't have missed you after only two days."  
I chew on the bagel, definitely not as good as the city."No, he and Mimi broke up and he wanted to get away."

"Why didn't he just go back to your old place?"

"Oh, uh… I don't know.I think he wanted to get out of the city."

"Mark, what is it that you aren't telling me?"She drinks her coffee and shoots me a look."I feel like you have kept nothing but secrets since you came home, since you left even.How are things really in the city?What is going on there?Honey, I worry about you."

"I know Ma, I'm sorry.Everything is ok, you don't have to worry." 

"Sweetie, you are my son."She takes a deep breath and reaches over and grabs my hand, "No matter how old you get, or where you are, I'm always going to worry."I nod, smiling."So tell me, what is going on in your life?"

I shake my hand, how could I even begin to catch her up?I'm trying to catch up myself."I've been filming a lot, working on my documentary.I don't know if anyone will ever want to show it, but I'm proud of what I have."

"Can I see it?"I look up at her; it never occurred to me that my mom would want to see my film.There are too many personal things in there, things that she will never understand.Shots that will do nothing but upset her.How can I let my mom see my life like that?A life she tried so hard to protect me from.She sheltered me from death and poverty, and I took it upon myself to surround myself with it.

I never even told my mom about Angel.

"Well, it isn't finished yet."I say quietly.I pull my hand away and rub the back of my neck looking away."Maybe when it is done."

I hear footsteps approach us, and I look up and Roger walks in.He has a pair of black jeans and a ripped t-shirt on.His hair is sticking all over the place, and I can't help but think how good he looks.Am I allowed to think that?"Good morning."He goes over to my mother with his hand outstretched, "Mrs. Cohen, I'm Roger, nice to meet you finally."I have to fight off the laughter of seeing Roger so polite. 

My mother takes his hand and pulls him in for a hug."Roger, honey, it is about time."She pulls away and looks at him, "How are you feeling?I was beginning to worry you were going to sleep the day away.

He and I exchange quick looks and I scoff, "That is what she does best, worry."She pushes him down into a chair and tells him to take a bagel.He looks at me and I nod to tell him it is ok.

"Roger, are you going to be staying with us long?"

"Uh, I don't know, I haven't really thought about it."

"Well, you are both welcome here as long as you want.It is nice to have the company."Ah the guilt, there we go."I haven't seen Mark in forever you know, and Cindy only comes by when she wants a babysitter.Now don't get me wrong, I love my grandchildren, but it is nice to have a grown-up conversation sometimes, don't you think?"Roger nods slightly, unsure of what to think."Do you need anything special, honey?Special foods or anything?"

"Ma, just leave him alone, ok?"

"I was just asking," She looks at me and whispers, as if he wasn't sitting next to her,"I have never had someone with his… _condition_… stay at the house."

"Mom, I told you not…"

"Mark, it is fine."He turns to my mother, "No Mrs. Cohen I don't need anything special.Just treat me like you would your son, ok?"

"Trust me, you don't want that."

She gets up, "I have to go switch over the laundry.What do you two plan on doing today?"

"I don't know."I look at Roger and he shrugs.

She leaves the room and I apologize to him for her.He laughs and tells me he is used to it.

"What do you mean?"  
"Let's just say, I now understand where you get it from now."

"Get what from?"My voice rises as I try and protest.

"Your consistent need to help and take care of everyone around you."

"Don't even compare me to her."

He reaches out and touches my arm, I ignore the shivers that come with his touch, "Mark, you are just like her, and that is what I love about you."

He said it again.

He drops his hand and mutters something about taking a shower.We walk out of the room and I collapse on the couch and he heads to the bathroom.I lay there for a few minutes and a sharp beeping noise interrupts my thoughts.Roger's beeper is lying on the table, dropped off earlier by my mother.It sort of shimmies on the surface as it vibrates and beeps.I find this strange; since I thought the only people with Roger's beeper number were Mimi and me.I pick it up and I don't recognize the number.I stop it from beeping by pressing random buttons.I put it back down and a few minutes later, just as I'm about to fall asleep again, the beeper starts up.I pick it up, and a different number appears.Again, I don't recognize it.

My mom comes up from the basement with two laundry baskets and drops them in front of me."Fold."I shake my head and mutter that I am a guest, and she just repeats her fold command.

I sit up and do as I'm told.Roger comes out of the bathroom in a few minutes, dressed and looking good.I smile at him and he disappears into the guestroom.He comes out quickly looking panicked."Mark, where is my beeper?"

I hold it up, "Right here, it has been going off like crazy."

He comes over and snatches it out of my hand, giving me a nasty look.He looks down at it and starts pressing numbers."There is only one number here."

"What?"

"There is only one number, I had at least 10 in storage, what the fuck did you do?"

"Oh, uh, I don't know."I stand up and go over to him to try and see the beeper."I was pressing buttons to try and turn it off."

"You erased all the fucking numbers."I hear my mother clang some dishes in the sink, Roger does to, and he only glances up slightly.

"I didn't mean to, I'm sorry."

He whispers loudly to me, "Just keep your hands off my stuff ok?"

"Yeah, fine."I sit down on the couch and he grabs the rest of his things on the table and disappears into the bedroom.

"Mark, everything ok?"My mother, typical, pretending she just didn't witness that.

"Yeah, everything is fine."

Roger comes out of the room with all his bags packed, "Mrs. Cohen, can I use your phone?"

"Of course," she hands him the phone."Do you need anything?

"I'm just calling a cab."

"Roger, don't." I grab the phone from him, "If you really want to leave, I'll drive you back to the city."  
"Fine whatever."He walks over to the front door and thanks my mother and walks out.

"Did I mention he has a temper?"My mom rubs my arm gently as I walk out after him.He is sitting on the steps smoking a cigarette.

I sit down next to him."Do you want to tell me what that was about?"

"Your stupidity perhaps?"

"Roger, I didn't know, I'm sorry."

"You shouldn't even have touched it."He takes a long drag and leans on his knees, squinting from the sun as he looks at me."It is none of you business who pages me."

"Yeah, I know, I was just trying to get it to stop beeping."He nods."You don't have to leave."

"Yeah, I do.I have things to take care of in the city." 

"Like what?"

"Like things.Nothing big."He finishes his cigarette and stands up.I stand to, and grab his duffel bag, and I am surprised how flimsy it is.I expected it to be packed with clothes.

"What's in here?"He grabs the bag from me and mutters nothing.I try and grab it back from him, but he has a tight grip."Roger, what aren't you telling me?"

"Mark, I'm warning you, just drop this ok?"

"No, I won't.Remember what you said to me last night?That I was the one person you could trust?"  
"Yeah, so."  
"So, what is in the bag?"  
"Just take me to the bus station, Mark, ok?"

"No, tell me what the fuck is in the bag."

"Look, no matter what is going on between us, I'm still permitted to have some things to myself.This is one of them."

"No, there is something going on, and I want you to tell me."

Suddenly his beeper goes off again.He looks down at it quickly and rolls his eyes."Look, I really need to get back to the city."

"Who is that?"

"Nobody, I just got things to do."

"Roger, please."I am begging him.

"Just drop it."He relaxes his grip a little on the bag and I reach over and grab it from him, and quickly unzip it.He tackles me to the ground, causing the some of the contents to fall out.He is on top of me, holding me down. Various amounts of unfamiliar pills and powders surround us.I look at him, and he gets off of me as he begins to shove things back into the bag.I sit up, shocked and speechless.

"There's an explanation."I can't look at him.

"Whatever."I stand up, "I'll take you to the bus station.I walk into the garage and get into the car and start it, and wait for him to join me.

He comes up to my window and knocks.I unroll it a little bit, "Look, let me explain."

"Just get in the fucking car.You don't want to keep anyone waiting."My voice is tired and strained.He walks around to the other side and gets in, throwing his things in the back.

"I'm sorry."  
"Yup, I know."We drive the rest of the way in silence.


	11. A Gas Station

I drive past the bus station.Roger doesn't even notice.I keep driving and get onto the interstate.My knuckles are white from gripping the steering wheel.

"Mark, where are you going?"Roger finally figures out we have long since passed the station.

I remain silent.

"Mark, just stop driving."

I accelerate.Driving past exits, not even sure if I'm driving east, west, north or south.I don't care where I go, and I don't care where we end up, I don't ever want to stop driving.If I stop the car then I have to face what is going on with my life.

I have to face that Roger is dealing or using or both.I have to face that even though I know this, I can't help but feel what I feel towards him.I have to face what it is in fact that I feel towards him.If I stop the car, I have to face Maureen and Joanne, and my parents, and not having a place to live, not having a job or career, having wasted the last six years of my life with nothing but shit to show for it.If I stop the car, I have to face who I am.

So I keep driving.

"Mark, slow down, you are going to get pulled over."I vaguely hear Roger's protests and pleas, as I just concentrate on the feel of my foot on the pedal and the fact that it is now hitting the floor. I slide through the lanes, passing all other cars on the road."Mark, seriously, you don't want to get pulled over.What if they search the car?"

I hear this.I pull the car across three lanes and speed off the next exit.I turn into the first gas station we come across and park.It is the middle of the afternoon.People are all over the place, but no one seems to notice us.I keep gripping the steering wheel, staring straight ahead.

"How could you?"If I look at him I will lose my nerve."How dare you bring that shit in my mother's house!"

"I know, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking, it didn't even occur to me, I just wanted to get out of the city."

"Right, and the what the fuck is the real reason you left?Some deals go sour?"

"No, I told you, Mimi and I broke up and I had no where else to go."

"So you go running to good 'ole dependable Mark Cohen."

"No, it wasn't that. I mean, I was running to you, but because I wanted to see you, I _needed_ to see you."He reaches across the center console and touches my leg.

"Don't." I jerk my leg away, "Just don't there, ok?_THAT_ was a stupid idea."

"Mark, don't be like that. I can ex…"

"Don't be like what exactly?No better yet, why don't you tell me how the hell you want me to be."My voice is rising, and I turn towards him finally letting my clutch on the steering wheel go."Tell me I should accept whatever bullshit excuse you have for carrying around that much drugs?Tell me that I should trust you because you have been nothing but honest with me.Tell me that I should believe you when you say you won't hurt me.Tell me Roger, tell me how you want me to be."

"You know what, I don't give a fuck.Whatever."He leans around the back of the car and grabs his bags, carrying them over and hitting me on the back of the head.

"Ow, watch it!"I realize what he is doing, "Oh now you are going to leave.You don't even know where the hell we are."Just then his beeper goes off again.

"Yeah, well, I'm willing to bet they have cabs or busses, or fuck it, I'll just hitch back to the city."  
"Yeah, don't want to keep any customers waiting." I snap at him.

"Mark, I don't have a bullshit excuse, I have an honest one.I'll tell you if you want to hear."

"Shoot."I lean against the door, pretending to get comfortable, folding my arms in front of me."

"I needed the money.Plain and simple.Mimi and I were broke.Her meds, and mine too were getting expensive.The dancing and the band didn't even cover half, and we didn't have money for food or anything."I roll my eyes and shift positions."Mark, she and I are sick.We can't go a day with skipping meals, or our meds.Neither of us have insurance, it was the easiest way."

"Oh right," I scoff, "Because getting a real job would be too difficult.

"A real job doing what?Who on their right mind is going to hire a high school drop out that looks like me?"I look up at him, a surprised expression on my face."Yeah, I never told you that, did I?"I shake my head, trying to remind myself of the issue at hand."I had a choice, work at McDonald's for $5.00 an hour, or sell drugs, to people who would be buying them anyway.I never sold to new customers."

"How noble of you."

"Look, I took the easy way out, I admit it."

"Were you using?"He takes a deep breath and doesn't answer."I'm so fucking stupid."I take a deep breath myself."I actually believed you were when you told me all those times you were just tired, or excited or whatever it was that you said.

"Just a few times Mark, and never heroin, just some things when I wasn't feeling good.Really, it wasn't a big deal."

"Roger, you are an addict, it is always a big deal."I close my eyes for a moment, "What about Mimi?"

"She never really stopped.When she did she just got so sick."

"Yeah, it is called withdrawal."

He nods."I didn't want you to know.I didn't want to see that look you are giving me."

"Well take a good look, Roger, because this may be the last time you see this face."A sense of nerves and guts rises in me.

"What are you talking about?"  
"Get rid of it, right here, right now.If you don't, I'll leave your ass behind and not look back.If you do, I'm here… I'm yours."I don't know why I added the last part. 

He looks at me, his face looking hopeful, and then falling."I… I can't."

"Then get out of the car."

"Mark, if I don't show up with this stuff, they will kill me.It is that simple.These aren't nice guys I am dealing with, you know."  
"Well that just sucks now, don't it."I feel like a five year old.Truth is, I have no real response to him.All I can feel is the empty spot in my stomach where the butterflies were.

"Let me just take care of this, I'll get rid of it all in the city.Then I'm done, I swear."He reaches out and touches my chin, turning me to him."Look, things with us are obviously at a really weird place right now.I don't know what is going on, but we need to figure it out."

I pull away from him.I scowl and let my words flow, dripping with the harshness of reality and hurt that I feel."I'll tell you what is going on.I love you.There, I said it.I put it out there.But wait, I should change that.I loved you.I don't love the person sitting across from me who have been lying to me for months."

"So that's it?You are going to stop this before it starts?"

"No, Roger, you stopped it."

"I'm sorry.How many times do I have to say that?"

"I don't know.Why don't you prove it to me instead of just saying it?"  
"Fine."He gets out the car and goes into the gas station.I watch him walk out almost instantly and walk around the side of the building, duffel bag in hand and disappear behind a door.I sit there for an eternity.Should I leave?Should I give into my hope that he is actually getting rid of it?Am I right to ask him to, even though he could get hurt for doing this?Is he risking his life for me?

Is he risking his life for me?

That question lingers in my head as he comes back to the car and gets in.He holds open the now empty bag.

"Hope you are happy, because a lot of money was just flushed down the toilet."He throws the bag back, with a half grin on his face.

"Why?"I turn to him."Why did you do that?"

"Isn't that what you wanted me to do?"He looks around confused.

"Yeah, but why did you?"

"Because I couldn't stand to see that look on your face anymore."

I lean closer to him, "Is that all?"

"No," he reaches up to my face again, "Because I love you too."I nod, slightly."You didn't mean it when you said you don't anymore, right?"I nod again.He drops his hand and nods, "Good."

"So now what?"

"Well, I can't go back to the city, that is for sure.Not for a while, anyway."

"That's not what I meant."I look at him, "Now what for us?"

"I don't know.How do we change this friendship into something more?"

"Is that what you want?"I take a deep breath and look at him.

"Yeah, it is."

I smile, "So maybe we should start like this," I lean over and I kiss him.The butterflies return.This kiss lasts longer than any of the others.I don't want to let him go.He has a grip around my hair, holding my head against his, so even if I want to pull away I can't.His lips pull away from mine, but only by a few millimeters. 

"I think this is a good way to start."He barely whispers between breaths, I nod and lean forward again.He moves his lips from mine and traces them over my face and my neck.The sensation sets a fire inside of me and I have to pull away."What… what's wrong?"

"Not here, Roger."I look around the parking lot.No one has even seemed to notice us, but I feel like we are on a main stage.

"Fuck 'em."He leans in again.I try to push him away, but he is stronger than me and I finally give in.

After what seems like an eternity, we finally break apart.We are both red, and both breathing hard."Uh, maybe we should go home."

"What home?"He laughs.

"Oh, right." I laugh, "my mom's?"

"Sure, but we are going to have to figure out something better than that after tonight?"

"Oh yeah?Why is that?" I taunt him as I start the engine in the car.

"Well, unless you want me to tell your mother that I'm in love with you, I think I'm going to have a hard time keeping it in?"

I laugh."Shit, it may be worth it to see the look on her face."

"Fine, I will then."  
"Roger, no way."

"No, I'm going to. Mark, I want to scream it.I have never felt like this before.I loved April and Mimi, but it is different with you.I have never felt this secure in someone, or myself."

"Roger, what is with you?I have never seen you like this."  
"That's what I mean.I was so afraid to love Mimi, but now I don't want to waste a moment hiding from you, or the world."

"Do you mean that?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Alrighty then, let's go tell my mom."I smirk as I get back on the highway and try and figure out which way to Scarsdale.

A/N – Ugh, I hate writing smush.But I think it was necessary.Hehe… will this story ever end?The world may never know.Keep reviewing!


	12. The Garage

A/NThey belong to Jonathan Larson… even Cindy and her kids!

The drive back to Scarsdale is a quiet one.Roger spends the time trying to find a good station and complaining that everything on the radio is crap.I just drive and think.Never in my life has so many things changed in just few short days.And now, I am about to shift it a little more by telling my mother that Roger and I are in love.Roger and I are in love.It still sounds strange.Is it possible?Could it be?

I look over at him staring at the digital display complaining about the boyband on the radio.He looks up and smiles at me, and that smile makes one appear on my face.I have loved Roger in one way or another for as long as I have known him.The past few years, I have known something had changed, that I desired him more than I let myself on.I was jealous of Mimi, though I never let it show.I relished in their fights, because he would come back to me.I justified to myself by thinking that I just cared and missed him.I remembered the "good ole days" fondly.I wanted that back, I told myself.

"Do you remember when we first met?"I suddenly ask. He looks up at me, puzzled.

"Yeah, sure, why?"

"What did you think?"

"What did I think?Of you?"He sits back and looks at me, "I thought you were a scared kid."

"Roger, you are only one year older than me."I shoot him a look.

"Yeah, but you showed up at the loft and you were so afraid, and you had a black eye, I remember that.I knew why automatically.You didn't even have to say a word about it.Collins and I showed you which section of the room was yours and went and laid on your bed.I remember you were wearing a plaid flannel over your Club Babyhead t-shirt."

"You remember that?"

"Yeah, well, my band played there once and it struck out at me."He shrugs and opens the center console and sifts through my mother's tapes."Neil Sedaka?"

"Who knows," I laugh."Did you like me right away?"

"Huh?"He turns the tape case over studying the songs, barely looking up, "Yeah, I guess.You kept to yourself for a while.When Benny showed up a few days later, you seem to relax a little more."He puts the tape away and grabs another, "Oh here we go… Billy Joel…" He places the tape in the cassette player and rewinds it."Why, what did you think of me?"

"I don't know, I was so freaked out that I was there.I guess I was a scared kid.I know I was intimidated by you and Collins."

He laughs, "Oh yeah, why?"

"Well, Collins is so nice and he of course welcomed me.I guess that just scared me, and you, well, you… you are just you." 

"What the hell does that mean?"The tape stops rewinding and the beginning notes of "Piano Man" start.

"I don't know, I just wasn't expecting my new roommate to be someone like you.I remember knocking on the door so scared and Collins opened it, and he knew exactly who I was.You were sitting on top of the table, your legs were crossed and you were playing the guitar.You barely looked up.I remember your hair was blue then."

"Oh yeah," he absent mindedly rubs his hair, "So you weren't expecting a brooding guitar player, huh?"

"No, but I wasn't expecting a lot of things."I pull of the highway on the Scarsdale exit and continue, "Six years ago, it seems like a lifetime."

"It has been.Just think of all the shit we have been through the past six years." I nod, and he continues, growing serious."No one besides the two of us will ever understand that.Not Collins, not Maureen or Joanne, and especially not anyone we could possibly meet now."

"Yeah, I know.I ran into this girl I went to high school with the other day and she wanted me to catch her up on my life.How can I possible 'catch someone up' with everything that has happened?"

"Exactly, that is why _this_ makes sense."He waves his hand between us."I mean, it may not make perfect sense, but I know you understand me.I have known it for a long time."

"Yeah, me too."

"Since that night?"

"Yeah, since that night." 

I think back to the night we are both referring to.It was just after he had gotten his HIV diagnosis.April had killed herself two weeks before.I wouldn't let him believe he was positive until he had an actual test.I had convinced myself that he would be ok.He was just quiet, he didn't say much.He went to the doctor without even a protest.A week later, they called and asked him to come in.

I knew what that meant.They only ask you to come in if it is bad news.He wouldn't let me go with him.I spent the time waiting for him to come home watching an old film I made with April and Maureen.The two were performing a scene where they were fighting, and for an instant, April's sleeve slid back and the bruising showed.I never noticed it before.Another shot, she looked right at the camera.She was beautiful, blond hair, a great smile, and bright blue eyes.Except in this shot her eyes seemed hollow, and she seemed to be pleading with me.How did I miss this before?I knew they were using, but I chose to ignore it. I confronted them each once and they both denied it.Maureen and I were really serious at the time, and I was spending all my time with her.

I could have taken the time to notice.I could have stopped them.But, watching that, I felt nothing but guilt.April was dead, and Roger was probably dying.And it was my fault.I ignored all the signs.There she was, on my camera, practically staring at me, pleading for help.I vowed then that I would help Roger, no matter what.I would stop being so wrapped up in my own life.He needed me, and I would be there for him.

When he came home, I had put the projector away and destroyed that piece of film.It didn't matter; her face and that look were burned errantly in my mind.He went straight to his mattress and pulled the sheet around. I walked on the other side; he was digging through his box of things. "So?"

"So…" he hardly looked at me, "So she was right.I have it."

I felt my stomach go into my mouth as I tried to repress my urge to be sick."Oh God…"

"Whatever…" I see him pull out a needle and stand up and walk around me.

"What are you doing?"

"What does it matter?I'm dying anyway, I might as well enjoy myself."

"No… you can't."I lunged toward him but he stepped away and then gave me a push.

"Just leave me alone Mark.Nothing you can say will change my mind."He takes out a lighter and a small bag filled with powder.He had never shot up in front of me.I stood still for a moment in bewilderment at how easy the process was for him.

"Roger, come on, stop…" I begged and went over to the table and grabbed his arm, "Look at Collins, he has it and he is ok.It isn't a death sentence."He pulled his arm sharply from my grasp and glared at me."Look, I stood by before and watched you do this, I'm not going to now."I felt my breath catching up with me, and hot tears forming in my eyes, "I could have stopped you, I could stopped both of you, but now she's dead, and I'm not going to let you join her."

He looked at me.A look I had never seen before, not from him, not from anyone, it was a look of bewilderment."You couldn't have stopped us."He quietly said, still gripping on the needle.

I nod through my tears,"I could have, if I was a better friend… if I…"

"For Christ's sake Mark, this is no one's fault but mine.I'm ajunkie, we were junkies.You couldn't have stopped us, trust me."He looked at me again, "It started long before I even knew you."

I looked up at him, "What?"

He finally let the needle drop from his hand, "Yeah, I did it for the first time when I was sixteen._I'm_ the one who got April into it._I_ could have saved her, but I killed her instead."I see tears forming in his eyes now.

"No… no… you can't… you didn't…" 

"I DID!"He stood up and slammed his hand down on the table."I KILLED HER!I DID THIS TO US!She knew it was my fault and she left me here to deal with it on my own."

"No!… you are not on your own."I took a deep breath, "I'm here, and I'll always be here.I'll help you get through this.I promise."I stand up and face him, "No more blame.We can do this, you can do this."

He shook his head and went pack to the table and picked up the heroin."I don't know if I can…" 

"You have to… for me?"I reached out and touched him and he looked at me, and our eyes met.That was the first time I felt it.I didn't know what it was, but I felt it.

We never mentioned that night again.

"No one has ever cared for me the way you do, Mark."

"That's not true, Mimi… Collins…"

"Mimi was using.She cared about me on a surface level.I knew that.I tried to get her to stop, but she wouldn't.I wasn't strong enough to get her to stop."

"Roger, you didn't know she was…"I look at him, "Did you?"

"I did… I tried to deny it… all those times I accused her of being with Benny… I knew where she really was.I just couldn't let myself consider it.After awhile, she stopped sneaking around, and I started selling and it was just easier that way."

"Oh you want easy, do you?"I smile at him, trying to lighten the mood.

He smiles but remains serious, "Yeah, I want easy.I'm tired of working to be happy.You are the only person who has ever made me completely happy."

I take a deep breath, "Same for you."

"See that is why this makes sense.I don't know, Mark, it is like I don't care that you are a guy.I have never been attracted to another man before, but this is different."

"You know, I justified this all to myself by saying that we were trying to hold onto the past.Do you think that is true?"

"No, I don't.I want to forget the fucking past.My past sucks.I want to start a new life."

I pull into the driveway and hit the garage door opener.

"Well, here we are."I smile, "I don't know about this though."I nod my head towards the house, "I don't know if I'm ready to face the wrath of my mom."

He nods and smile, "We'll do what you want, I'll be in in a minute."He holds up his cigarettes.I glare at him, "Hey, it has been a while."

"Yeah, well don't expect me to kiss you afterwards."

"What's this about kissing?"My mother has walked into the garage.

"What?Nothing, I'm just giving Roger a hard time because he started smoking."My eyes are bugged and my heart has stopped. 

"Roger!You know better than that." She marches over to him and holds out her hand, "_You _of all people shouldn't be compromising their health."She wriggles her fingers and I start laughing, "Hand them over."And he does!His face is bright red.

"Sorry Mrs. Cohen."

She swats him, "Please call me Marilyn."She turns around, "I was just making dinner if you boys want to help."She starts walking away, and then stops, "Cindy and the kids will be here." She looks at Roger, "I assume you are staying?"

"Yes, Mrs Co… uh Marilyn, if that is ok with you?"

"Honey, you are always welcome here," she rubs my arm as she walks by.

"Great, we'll be right in."She goes back into the house and I start cracking up, and so does he.We are both doubled over laughing so hard.

Once we have gotten control of ourselves and sneak in a few kisses, we walk in to the kitchen.The dining room table is set for a lot of people."So, Mom,exactly who is coming here tonight?"

"Well, Cindy, Joe, Stevie, Victoria, the baby, so that is four, plus a high chair.Plus you and me and Roger.So that is seven."I count the place settings.

"Yeah, but you didn't know Roger was going to be here."

"Honey, just be quiet and shuck this corn, ok?"She hands me a paper bag filled with about a dozen ears of corn.I go sit at the table, pulling Roger with me to help."Oh, Mark, I forgot to tell you.There was a message on the machine for you from when I went to the store."

"For me?Who was it?"

"Maureen actually."I notice her smiling."It is still there if you want to hear it."

"Ok, sure."I smile at Roger and get a little nervous.I still haven't told him exactly what happened the other night.

I press play:

_"Hi… uh… this message is for Mark, uh, this is Maureen… I'm moving out of Joanne's place. She is still pissed about what happened with us the other night, and I have to admit, I'm still confused.Since I have no place to go, and you don't either, I was wondering if you wanted to get an apartment together.I don't know how long you are planning on hiding out in Scarsdale, but I miss you.I know things are a little weird for us right now, but I thought we could try and find a two bedroom place.As friends… uh… for now…call me on my cell before she shuts if off, ok?"_

The entire time the message plays I stare at the machine.I don't even notice my mother joining Roger at the table."So, Mark, I thought you told me there was nothing going on with you and Maureen?"

I look over at her, and see the grin on her face.Then I turn to Roger, and see the scowl on his."Yeah, Mark, I thought there was nothing going on with the two of you."I can hear the hurt in his voice, and I only hope my mother doesn't detect it.

She doesn't, she is to busy gloating."I knew that you two would get back together, that whole lesbian thing… she was only doing it to cause attention to herself.I knew once she got it out of her system…"

"Ma… shut up, ok?"I step over to the table, looking at Roger, trying to catch his eye."There is nothing going on."

"So what happened the other night then?And don't tell me to shut up, I'm your mother after all."

"_NOTHING _happened."

Roger still won't look at me."You two were outside alone for awhile.Come on Mark, give us the details, enquiring minds want to know."He looks at me and smiles and I know that look.

"Look, I don't want to talk about."

"Oh, sweetie, come on, it is not like I'm going to ground you for kissing your ex-girlfriend." She looks at me, "You did kiss her, didn't you?Anything else?"

"Mom!Just drop it!"I throw the ear of corn on the table and get up and go through the door to the garage.

A few minutes later Roger appears.He stands near the door and doesn't speak, but I can tell he is there.

"Look, nothing happened."

"I know.I just want to hear you say it."He approaches me, my back still towards him, but I feel and hear him move towards me.It is dark in here, the only light, the setting sun coming through the windows.He reaches me and wraps both of his arms around my waist."So what exactly did not happen?"He rests his chin on my shoulder, and then bends it slightly and bites my ear.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath."Ok, she kissed me."

He bites a little harder."And?"

"And… she told me she still loved me."

His lips move from my ear, to the back of my neck."And?"

"And I told her…"I can't take anymore and I turn myself around and I start kissing him, pushing him against the wall.

He pulls away, "You told her what exactly?"

"I actually didn't say anything.We kissed and then I went inside."

"So she thinks you still love her?"

"I don't know what she thinks."I kiss the corner of his mouth, but he shoves me away.

"Well do you?"

"What?Still love her… no…" I wrap my arms around his waist like he had done to me."I love you, only you."

"But you still want her?"

"Roger, what is with this jealousy crap?My God, I haven't been with anyone in years, and you are actually jealous!"

"I… I guess I'm just a jealous person…" He turns around and lifts my chin, "I'm sorry.I know that I have no right to say anything." 

"It's ok, it is kind of nice actually."I smile at him.We start kissing again and he pushes me over to the wall. The back of my head hits the button for the garage door and it starts to open.

I barely notice the garage grow lighter, but I don't pay attention.I'm too wrapped up with discovering Roger's taste and touch.I don't hear a car pull up; I don't hear the doors slam.

I do hear, "I fuckin' knew it," and another arm grab mine tightly and pull me away from Roger.

"Dad…" I look at him and then to my sister, whom I haven't seen in six years, and her brood of children and her husband all standing there with their mouths wide open.


	13. The Bus Station

**A/N I guess I should say the harassing from some people worked.But I don't want to encourage you.Thanks for voting for this fic as the best not yet finished…it may be… someday…**

The grip he has on my arm is tight, and I shut my eyes in an effort to hide my wincing.

"Look at me, you fucking faggot!"He shakes me violently, "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

"Dad!Leave him alone…  
"Mom… was Uncle Mark kissing that guy?"

"Get your fucking hands off of him"

"Fucking Faggot…"

All their voices blend in together as I try and will myself to disappear.I am able to control my legs enough to try and sink down to the ground, but my father jerks me straight up again."I knew… I knew it all along… the way you were always with that fucking camera, never playing sports, and then… and then… Cindy told me you were living with some _guy_ who has _AIDS_… what the fuck do you think I am, stupid?"

I keep my eyes on the ground.The back of head is pounding and the blood circulating in my arm has stopped.I am losing feeling in my fingers. 

"Let me go…"

He finally lets go of me and walks over to Roger, who is being held back by Joe, my brother-in-law who is 6'6" and very big. Have I mentioned that he works with my father, and is like the son he never had?Oh, except that he had me. Roger is sweating and swearing, and trying to break free.

"So is this him?Is this the AIDS infected guitarist that I have heard so much about?"

"Come on kids, let's go see grandma."I watch my sister and shuffle the kids inside, Stevie, the oldest stands and gawks at me.She grabs his arm and pulls him to the door.

My father approaches me again, pushing me repeatedly against the wall."So this is your life now?This is what you decided to do, huh?Talk to me… explain to me…"

"FUCK YOU!"The words escape my mouth before I think about them.I don't care about him.I feel nothing but despise for the man in front of me.He grabs my collar and slams me against the wall, pressing his body weight against me, and pulling the collar so that I am choking.I feel my face get hot and I try and turn to Roger, but that only makes things worse.

"I said talk to me, you faggot!"

"I… I… can't…" Each word is a struggle as his pull on my collar becomes tighter.

I hear Roger screaming behind him, but I can't look at him.I want to tell him to shut up, he is only making things worse, but I can't.My father does though, actually, he tells Joe to shut him up, and suddenly I hear a groan and no more words from Roger.

My father turns his attention to me, "I won't have a fag for a son.How the hell could you do that with him… in front of the neighbors… in front of the whole world… you disgust me…" he pulls the collar tighter and I am gasping for air now."So do you have it too?I'm sure you do… I knew it, you are going to end up dying alone, just like you deserve." He gives me one last shove and releases his grip.I fall to the ground, choking and coughing, trying to find the air that I have lost.

I hear the door open, "Charles!What is going on here?"My mother rushes over to us, stopping near Roger, who I now see lying on the ground, holding his groin.Looks like my brother-in-law got in a cheap shot.

"Your son and his boyfriend here, decided to get it on in front of the whole neighborhood, that's what."He walks over me, snarling."I was just telling Mark that he is no longer my son."

"Mark, is this true?"She looks at me concerned, and I just nod slightly."Oh," she stands, straightening her dress.

"Mom, let me explain."

"With the garage door open?What about the neighbors?They don't need to see that."

Typical, my mother, always concerned about what the neighbors see and think.Never mind the fact that they could have just seen her ex trying to kill their only son.

I'm still struggling to find my breath, "Look, we were just kissing, it was no big deal…" Maybe if I pretend it wasn't, they will be convinced.Uh, probably not.

"You were _just _kissing?He had you practically bent over about to fuck you up the ass."My father interrupts.

"Christ no… just…"

"Look, I love your son."Roger finally stands up and walks over to me, bending down and rubbing my back, "I don't want to hide it, but it is new… to both of us…"

"Oh great, we'll fucking send out the wedding invitations!"

"But Mark, what about…" my mother is crying now, "What about AIDS?Honey, do you… No, you can't be gay…"

"NO!"I yell, finally getting my full breath back."We haven't… look, it is none of your business, ok?"

My mother is completely hysterical; muttering how I was just punishing her while my father is standing next to her glaring at the two of us.

"I still own this house, and I want you out.Now.Don't come back, ever."

I stand up, stepping away from Roger."Don't worry, I have no desire to."

"I'll go get our stuff…" Roger starts walking away, but my father blocks him.

"Don't worry about it. CINDY!"My sister peaks her head out of the door."Get your brother's and his _girlfriend's_ stuff together, ok?"

"Sure dad," She looks at me and our eyes meet for a moment.We have never gotten along.She was popular and cheerful and did everything right.She worked extra hard at trying to impress my father, where as I learned a long time ago, that I could never. 

I go over to my mom, and try and embrace her, but she backs away, walking into the car."Mom, I'm sorry, I don't understand why this matters."

She just shakes her head through her tears and walks away from me.My father turns and follows her and before he goes into the house, tells me that I disgust him.

Roger and I are left standing inches apart alone.We look at each other, both afraid to touch, but needing the comfort.Cindy comes out quickly with our bags, and her car keys and offers to drive us to the bus station.

No one says a word during the short drive.She pulls in, we get out, and she pulls away.Her job done, she got rid of me, now she can go on being the perfect daughter, with the perfect husband and the perfect children.

We stand on the sidewalk, not looking at each other.My body is still aching and my head still reeling from the confrontation I sigh loudly and walk into the bus station.He follows me.

I go up to the ticket window, "Two tickets to Port Authority, and when is the next bus?"

Roger grabs my arm, "No, remember, I can't go back there."

I look at him confused, and then remember."Uh, nevermind…" I say to the kid behind the glass."Where should we go then?  
He steps up to the window, "Uh one ticket to Port Authority and one to wherever the next bus goes." 

"Roger, what are you doing?"I turn to the kid again, "No, don't listen to him, hold on a minute."  
I pull Roger away and over towards to the door.

"What's going on?" I ask him confused.

"Look, you need to get back to the city.Maureen and Joanne are worried about you, you need to get back to working on your film and find a place."

"No, no, I don't.I can film wherever I am, and I want to go with you."I step closer to him and touch his arm, but he backs away and holds up his hand.

"Don't…"

"Roger, what is going on?"

"Look, I wanted easy.Remember when I said that?"I nod, "This isn't easy, I don't know how I could have been so stupid to think it would be."

"Of course this is easy, you are my best friend, and we love each other."

"No, it doesn't matter.It isn't easy.Look what just happened.Your family just fucking disowned you, doesn't that faze you in the least?"

"Yeah, in a way, but it doesn't matter.I have you, and that is what I care about."I feel like I'm whining, that I'm trying to convince him of something he already knows.

"There will always be assholes bigots like your father, and I don't have the energy to face that.I don't want to."

"Roger, you can't let _them_ keep you from being happy.You told me I make you happy."

"Just go back home, ok?That will make me happy."

"NO!"I raise my voice, but we are the only ones there except for the kid behind the glass window."You don't mean that."

"I do.Please, Mark, understand."I see a tear in his eye start dripping slowly down his face, I reach up to wipe it away, but he backs up another step."This is how it has to be.You and me don't make sense after all."

Seeing him cry, causes my own tears to form."I don't understand, I can't understand."

_"Attention Please:The bus to Port Authority will be arriving in two minutes."_

__"There's your bus."

"I won't get on."

"Mark, just do it.Please?"

"No, you love me, I won't leave you."

"I don't know if I actually do."  
I look up at him, "What?"

"I thought I did, after what Mimi said and thinking about it, I mean, I love you, but I don't think I am in love with you."

"Bullshit."

"Just get on the fucking bus."The bus pulls up, and Roger grabs my bag and walks over to the bus.A few people get off, "I'll get in touch when I know where I end up."   
"No, Roger, please, come on, this is ridiculous."

"I can't, Mark.Please, for me, just do this.Just let this go."

The driver looks over at us, waiting for us to get on.I grab my bag from Roger and get on the bus.I find a seat on the opposite side of the road, so that I don't have to look at him when it pulls away.

A/N:Sniff sniff…again, I made myself cry…sigh…


	14. Back to Joanne's

A/N – Still not mine, still belong to Jonathan Larson

A/N – Still not mine, still belong to Jonathan Larson.Edited on 7/30.

The bus stops and goes, jerking my lifeless body every few minutes, reminding me of the pain around neck.Yes, I just need to fixate on the physical pain, and then I won't have to think about what is really going on.I don't know how to process all that has happened.It is too much; it is too much for me to process.I have to remind myself to breath at some points, because my mind is so boggled even that is forgotten.

How did this happen?What happened?I'm still not quite sure.All I know for less than twenty-four hours, Roger was mine.But then he pushed me away.Why am I shocked?I have seen him do this to Mimi a hundred times.Mimi… she is still using.It sickens me to think about that.I wonder if I can help her, I wonder if she would even want my help.Maybe if I helped her, she and Roger could get back together.Maybe that would make him happy.But he said I make him happy.I had never felt happier than I did for those few free moments in the garage.I had never felt… no… he pushed you away… put you on a bus back to a past you were trying escape from and he ran off… but where did he go?Would we find each other again?Do I want to find him again?Can I let him hurt me again?Will he give me the chance?

I feel like I have nowhere to go, no home to go to.My real home was destroyed along with the home of my childhood.There was no one waiting for me in New York.Except for Maureen.Maureen… maybe things with her would be different.Maybe she does really still love me.Do I still love her?No, I love Roger. Shit.Why do I have to love him?HIM!!! Him of all people!Why didn't I fight it?I just let it happen.I let myself believe him when he said he loved me.I let myself lean over and kiss those lips of his.I let myself feel shivers as those same lips traced along my neck.I let him know I cared.I let him know I felt the same.Why?Why did he force me away?Why did he get so scared?

Stop… thinking… about… him… Joanne… yeah… Joanne, I could go see her.She is probably upset about the Maureen thing.She is a good friend; she will take care of me.I wonder if Mimi is still staying with her.Do I want to see Mimi?I know I want to help her, but will she know?Do I have to tell them?Will they wonder where he is?Do I have to tell them the truth?Will they know that I love Roger?Shit… there you go, thinking about him again.

The bus jerks my body forward and I peer out the window and notice we are back in the city.I watch the familiar scaffolding and loud "Going Out of Business" signs serving as a backdrop against the taxis and people scurrying about.I gather my bags, check for my camera, and look outside as the bus drives down 42nd Street past Times Square.Usually I would film, but I don't even have the strength to pick up my camera and turn it on.

At Port Authority, it occurs to me that I have no money.No money, and no place to go.Great, I'm in terrific shape.I find a payphone and call Joanne collect.I tell her I'm back in the city and she is thrilled to hear from me.I was actually a little worried.I tell her I don't even have enough money for the subway and she tells to catch a cab and she'll pay for it when I get there.

I do as she says, and about twenty minutes later, I'm in Soho, with Joanne's arms around me.I start trembling with her touch, and she notices but she doesn't say anything.

We walk up to the apartment, and I'm surprised to find Mimi sleeping on the couch."She hasn't been feeling well."Joanne whispers to me, taking my bags and placing them in the corner with the rest of the things I left there."She called into work."

I nod and watch her sleep."Is she ok?Is it…"

"No, it's not.She and Roger broke up. He took off, we haven't heard from him in a few days."

"Oh."That's all I can say.I can't tell her that I knew where he was. I can't say anything, because then I will say everything.

"So Maureen moved out."She looks at me, sad."Mimi and I have been really pathetic actually, staying up late and watching sappy movies on Lifetime."

"Are you ok?"

"No.But I will be."She opens the refrigerator and offers me a drink.I ask for a beer and settle in to a chair near the counter. 

"I'm… I'm sorry, Joanne."

"I don't blame you, Mark.Not at all.We have had problems since the beginning."She opens two beers and hands me one."I have never been with someone who infuriates me more, I don't know why I stayed with her."

"The Tango: Maureen, remember?"I smile at her as I say it, raising my eyebrows.

She laughs, remembering the first name we met."Exactly.I should have gone running that night.Especially after she kissed that chick at The Life Café."She buries her head in her hands, "Oh Mark, how am I going to survive without her?"I go over to her and rub her back and tell her it will be all right.I look over at Mimi, is it going to be as easy to comfort her about losing Roger, when I suffering from the same ailment?

Joanne turns around and her expression changes.She reaches out and touches my neck and I flinch away."Mark, what happened?" 

"Huh?"I absently reach up and touch it myself, "What, nothing?"

"Mark, you are all bruised and swollen."

I am?I hadn't even looked at myself to take in the damage my father caused.I know there is a huge lump on the back of my head from when he pushed me against the wall.I didn't think he left any traceable marks behind.

"I'm fine, really."I turn away and drink from my beer.

"Mark!Your neck!The back of it… who did this to you?"I walk a few more steps away, looking down."It was your father, wasn't it?"I don't react."Mark, tell me it was your father and we will get his sorry ass sent to prison so fast."

That I react to, I turn around, "No!Just drop it."

"So it was him…" She walks towards me and grabs my arm; I pull it back, again from pain."Christ Mark, what did he do to you?"

"Nothing, we had a fight.It is no big deal."

"Of course it is.When did this happen?Why did it happen?"  
"Look it's over now, I don't want to talk about it, ok?I'll be fine, I'm here now, and I'm never going back there."I take a final swig of my beer and look around."Do you mind if I crash here tonight?I don't really have anywhere else to go."

"Of course.Why don't you take the bed?"

"No, I'll be fine."

"Look, let me get some ice for the swelling at least."  
"Ok, thanks."I smile at her.I really do care about Joanne; we have a special understanding of each other._Maybe she will understand about Roger and me.No, better off I don't say anything._

"Mark?You're back!?"I hear Mimi's quiet voice from behind me.I turn around and she is off the couch and reaching out to hug me.

"Hey Mimi!"I smile at her, she stops when she sees my neck.

"Mark, what happened."  
I take a deep breath, "My dad and I had a fight.I left for good this time."I rub her shoulder, "How are you doing?"

"I'm ok.Roger and I broke up."

"Yeah, I heard."I give her a half smile.

"He's such a bastard."She looks up at me, "You don't know where he is, do you?"Well technically, I don't.

"Uh, no.Why?"

"Well he took off, and there are people looking for him." She goes over to the couch, "Plus he has something for me."

I know what she means.I look over at Joanne who if oblivious.Do I let this opportunity pass me by?No, I can't.I go over to the couch and sit on the table across from her.I try and speak quietly, but of course Joanne is going to hear."I know what he had for you."

She looks up surprised and then tries to hide it."No you don't.He just had some books of mine that is all."

"Mimi, I know about him selling."

"What?"Joanne comes over to us, "Roger was selling?"

"No, he wasn't!I don't know what Mark's talking about!"I see her body tense up.

"Look he told me, and he told me you are still using."I look at her arms, but as usual she is wearing a shrug that covers them.She unconsciously pulls at the sleeves on each arm.

"No, I stopped doing that a long time ago."

"Mimi, don't lie, he told me."

"Mimi, is it true?"Joanne's face continues to fall.

"NO!It's not!I don't know what bullshit he was feeding you, but I'm not using."

"Mark, when did you he tell you this?"Joanne turns to me. 

I guess I need to fess up now."Actually, he told me today."Was it only a few hours ago?

"Today?You just said you haven't seen him."

"_NO…_ I said I didn't know where he is.And I don't.I took a bus back here, and he went off somewhere else."I keep my voice even.Maybe they won't notice.

"Why didn't he come back with you?"Mimi snapped.

Another deep breathe, another lie."Because I found all the drugs and I dumped them in the toilet."They would never believe that Roger would do that on his own free will.I barely believed he did it.

"Oh Christ."Joanne says softly, "He did that to you didn't he?"She points to my neck.I pull the ice away.

"No, he didn't.That was really my dad.Roger was pissed though.He told me he couldn't come back to the city now."I look at Mimi, "I honestly don't know where he is now."

"Mark, they are going to kill him if he ever shows up again, you know that right?"Mimi says with fear in her voice.I nod."Oh God, they know I'm his girlfriend, what if they come after me?" 

I look up at her, "I'm… I'm sorry, Mimi… I didn't know." 

She stands up, looking down at where I am sitting."Just don't… I don't want to hear your sorry ass apology.Obviously you stuck your nose in where it doesn't belong, _AGAIN!"_

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means, you are the reason we broke up!He could never separate himself from you.He always ran to you if I pissed him off.He always talked about how you two needed each other.Why don't the two of you just FUCK each other?It would be a lot easier than dragging me and Maureen and even Joanne along for all these years."

Her words strike me.Had she hit me it would have hurt less.I remain silent, trying to stop my trembling hands, trying to stop thinking of him.

"Mimi, maybe you should calm…"

"No Joanne, look at him, I struck a chord."She turned back to me,"You love him don't you?I always knew it."She shakes her head at me."I need to get out of here."She grabs her purse and doesn't say another word as she runs down the stairs.

I fold myself over, not wanting to look at anything.

"Mark?"Joanne comes over and now rubs my back."Mark, what she said, it is true isn't it?Are you in love with Roger?"

I lift my body up and look at her."Yeah, I am."

"Does he know?"

"He does."

"He feels the same way?"

I shrug, "Who knows, it doesn't matter, he sent me back here and took off on his own."

She sits quietly for a moment."Mimi's really using isn't she?"

"Yeah, she is."

"I've never seen her like that before."

I let out a small laugh, "I have, worse even.You should have seen her and Roger sometimes."

"Anymore secrets and confessions I should hear tonight?"I shake my head.She smiles, and takes my hand."Ok then, what do you say Mark?Want to watch some sappy Lifetime movie with me tonight?"

I nod and smile at her through my tears.

I fall asleep on the couch during the last half hour of "Deception of Innocence" and the phone ringing wakes me up.Joanne answers it, and I roll over on the couch, stretching my legs out to where she was just sitting.

"Mark, it's Roger."

I sit up and nod.She smiles as she walks into her bedroom and shuts the door.

"Hello?"

"Mark?Hey… you got in ok?"

"Yeah, I guess.Where are you?"

"In the middle of Pennsylvania actually.There is nothing around."He pauses, "Are you ok?"

No you fool, you broke my heart. "Sure, I'm fine."

"Have you seen Maureen?"

"No.I saw Mimi though."

"Oh."

"I told her that I know about her using and I that I threw out the drugs."  
"Why did you tell her that?"

"Well, I think she needs help…"

"No, why did you say you threw it out?"

"Cause she would never believe that you would do it willingly."

"Yeah…"

"She is afraid those guys are going to come after her."

"What?No… I don't think they would."I can hear the uncertainty in his voice.

A few more seconds of silence.I feel the nerve in the bottom of my stomach rise up, and the words escape before I can stop them."Let me come meet you.Come on, we can go see Collins, or go off on our own."  
"No, it is better this way."

"How?How is it better?"  
"Are you going to be at Joanne's for awhile?"

"I guess, for now."

"I'll call you in a few days, ok?Let you know where I end up."

"Yeah, sure."

'Mark, understand, ok?"

"No, I won't."  
"Fine, whatever, I got to go.I'll talk to you in a few days."I hear the sadness in his voice.

"I love you."Too late, he already hung up the phone.


	15. A Payphone (Take 2)

A/N -Welcome back

A/N-Welcome back!!! I missed you all so much (more than I should admit) – so yay our beloved home is now back up and running.Now I posted Chapter 14 the day the site went down, so many of you probably haven't read it.I was going to hold off posting this, but I decided in celebration of the ff.net's return, I would.I wrote three chapters while it was down and there is an ending in site, so yay!

Keep reviewing!!!

I spend the night on the couch staring at the ceiling.I fall in and out of sleep, but never for long.I notice the room grow lighter with the rising sun.

"Here."

Suddenly a piece of paper with a number is shoved in my hand."What's this?"

"The number he called from."

"Huh?"I look up confused.

"I have Caller ID.It may be a payphone, but it may be where he is staying."

I take the number, crumble it and throw in on the coffee table.I resume my position of lying on the couch staring at the ceiling."Whatever." I turn to her slightly,"Why do you have Caller ID anyway?"

"When you have a girlfriend like Maureen, you want to know who is calling the house."I smile at that, but then the smile disappears when she adds, "Mark, he won't be at that number for long."

I shrug and turn over so my back is to her."Whatever. I don't care."

"Sure you don't."She sits down on the couch, pushing my feet off.What is it about him, anyway?"

"What?"

"What is it that has you and Mimi both so hooked?I don't see it at all."

"Of course not, you're a dyke."I scoot myself up so I am half sitting, but my feet are still on the couch.

"I may be a dyke, but I see the appeal in you, and in Collins.Roger, I just don't get.He is so fucking miserable most of the time."

"That's just an act.He tries to play it tough, you know?So people won't see he cares.Inside him there is so much passion and so much life.He just doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve like I do."

"Yeah, but he is always so brooding.It can make him so ugly some times."

"What?"I sit up that, "Oh come on, he's gorgeous, and even you have to see that.Have you ever just seen his smile when he writes the perfect lyric, or his eyes light up when you tell him good news?"

"Hmm, I never noticed I guess.Obviously you have though."

"Meaning?"I raise my eyebrows, now understanding what she is doing.

"Meaning, for someone who doesn't care, you seem to think of a lot of nice things to say."

"Joanne, you need to get out of the house.You have been watching too many Facts of Life reruns or something."

"Mark, I'm just saying, you are allowed to care.You are allowed to stay sad for a minute, even longer.But then, you need to pick yourself up and move on."

"You're one to talk.Who's the one that has been watching Lifetime movies all week?"

"I'm mourning.I'm getting it out of my system.But I'm going to be ok.In fact, tonight some of the girls from the firm are taking me out for drinks." 

"Oh really?Are they cute?"

"Yeah, why, you want to come?"

"No, I think female bonding may be the last thing I need right now." 

"Well, what _are _you going to do all day?"

"Lie here and mope?"

"No, you are not."She stands grabbing my arm and pulling me up."You are going to get out of this house and find someplace to live.I'm not going to have you taking residence on my couch forever."

"But Joaannnnnne…."

"Don't 'but Joanne me', come on," She pushes me towards the shower."I have to leave in 10 minutes for work, and I'm not letting you stay here all day."

"Oh come on."  
"Mark, this is for your own good."

She practically turns on the water and forces me in with my clothes still on.

After the shower, she hands me a bagel and a cup of coffee.

"What no cream cheese?"

She glares at me, but smiles, "I'll be back around six.I'll meet you then, ok?If you need anything call." She hands me her business card, and twenty dollars.We walk out together and she grabs a cab, kisses me quickly and I before I know it, I am standing on the street by myself.

I absently look at the card Joanne handed me, and point my camera at it.Michie, Smith & Jefferson.It seems so official; I laugh, thinking that some of her clients wouldn't even talk to me, and here I am one of her closest friends.I turn the card over and notice for the first time the blue inked scroll that reads "Roger 717-555-9415"

I shove the card in my pocket and walk towards a payphone.I pick it up, and then realize I don't have change to make the call.I go into the first store I see open and buy a bag of Skittles.With the change, I go back to the phone and pick it up and stare at the numbers for a few minutes.

I chicken out and plop in a quarter and call Maureen.It rings about five times before she answers.She was obviously sleeping.

"Hey, it's me."

"Mark?Where are you?" I hear her yawn, "Are you back in town?"

"Yeah, I got back last night.I stayed at Joanne's."

"Oh fraternizing with the enemy, huh?"  
"Hey, I have no enemies."I laugh, "How are you?"

"Peachy keen, jelly bean." He voice is dripping with sarcasm. "How do you think I am?I'm devastated, my heart is broken, and I am lost."

"Well as long as you are moving on."I suddenly hear another voice in the background and Maureen making a hushing noise."Are you with someone?"

"No! Uh… It's just a friend."  
"Nothing changes, does it?"I shake my head even though she can't see me.

"Mark, she and I broke up.I can sleep with whoever the hell I like."

"Fine, whatever."

"So tell me, how did it go at your parent's place?"

"Not so great, but I really don't want to talk about it."

"Why, what happened?"I can hear shuffling and swearing in the background.

"Look, why don't I let you go?"  
"Yeah, I need to get out of here though.Want to meet up?"  
"Sure, where are you?"

"Uh….Where are we?"I hear someone muddle an address, "In Greenwich Village, want to meet at the Life?"

"Hm, how original?"

"Oh come on, I'm craving their vegetarian omelet."

"Fine Maureen, when?"

"I'll be there in a half hour."  
  


I hang up the phone and trace the receiver with my finger.I had forgotten for a few minutes the real reason I was standing in that phone booth.I fish out the card from my pocket and stare at it so long the numbers begin to blur.Finally I dial the number, drop in the correct amount of change and wait, my finger lingering over the lever to disconnect.

"Motel Six…"

"Uh…" Just press the button… "Uh, Roger Davis' room please, I don't know the number."

I hear a loud sigh, "Hold on…" I press my finger down, but not hard enough to disconnect the phone.Why am I calling him?There was nothing left to say.Or was there?

"I'm awake."He sounded like he was anything but.

"Roger?"

"Huh?Mark?"

"Yeah, it's me."I block my other ear to hear him better, and huddle into the booth.

"What time is it?How did you get this number?"

"I don't know the time, just before nine maybe?"

"Oh…" I hear him yawn and moan and shuffle."What's up?"

"Nothing, I just…"

"Just what?"

"Just miss you, I guess.I don't understand why it has to be like this."

"I thought we covered everything last night."

"Like what?" My voice rises."We covered shit last night."

"Mark, I told you, I'll call you when I'm ready."

"Oh, so I'm just supposed to sit around waiting for you to be ready, huh?That doesn't seem very fair to me."

"Look, what do you want from me?"

"I want you to be honest."I take a deep breath."I want you to admit you need me."

He is quiet on the other end."I don't need anyone."

"Bullshit."

"Well no one needs me."

"I do."

"No, you need someone better than me."

"Roger, there is no one better for me than you."

"I'll just hurt you."

"What the hell do you think you are doing now?"I raise my voice even louder.

"I'm stopping this before it gets any further."

"What gives you the right?"  
"I wanted easy, remember?I told you, I realize this thing between us will never be easy.Mark, look, you will get over this.Just like you got over Maureen. It is better this way, trust me."I can hear his voice breaking down, "We were stupid to think it could work."

"No, I was stupid to put my faith in you!"I yell, not even trying to hide the torment in my voice.

"I'm sorry, Mark… I don't know what else to do…"

"You are just a chicken shit."

"Yeah, I guess I am. Look, I got to get going."

"Where?What are you running away to? Cause you know you can't right?"The words come out broken through my sobs, "You know …you can't hide… you can't hide from your feelings for me.Wherever you go… wherever…they will still be there."

"Mark, calm down, ok?"

"No! Fuck you!" I violently wipe the tears from my face, as I force my voice to steady by yelling louder,"I won't calm down.You can't give me the world and then take it away, that isn't fair!I shouldn't have let you…" 

"That's why this needs to end now," he says firmly.

"Fine… great… you know what?You're right.Let's end it now.Before someone gets hurt."I scoff into the phone.

"Mark…"

"No, you know what?It is time for me to hurt you for once in my fucking life." Another deep breath.Before I can analyze them, or think about them, the next words are out of my mouth."Don't bother calling me when you get wherever you are going.I don't care.You want it over?You got it."

"Mark, don't be like that."

"Good-bye Roger."I press the lever. I hold it down for about 4 seconds.When I lift it, all that greets me is a dial tone.


	16. Brooklyn

"Shit, can we hide

A/N: I decided to be nice and post another chapter today… just in case it goes down again…

I walk to the Life Café on autopilot.I cross the streets without looking, turn corners without reading signs and literally walk into people.Amazingly, I make it there in one piece, and of course there is no Maureen in sight.I sit down at a table inside and stare at the menu.I stare at it, reading each item description carefully.Anything to keep me from thinking about him.I'm not going to dwell, I'm just going to move on.I can survive without him. I'm not going to let him hurt me.

I don't need him to survive.Just like I don't need my dad's approval or even love.I can endure on my own.I can prove to both of them I don't need them, that I don't need anyone.A new life… that is what I need… a new beginning… I'll go back to my obsessive work.I'll finish my film.I will make them both proud.Of course they will be too proud to tell me so. I don't care though; cause the only one that I need to make proud is myself.

I'm going to work hard and finally realize my dream.I'm going to succeed no matter who's toes I have to step on, or how many sacrifices I have to make.

"Mark!"

I look up and there is the Diva herself.I stand and give her a hug.She sits down across from me and smiles.

"So… what did Joanne say about me?"

"Uh, hi to you to."

"Mark, come on, we did that on the phone.It is time to dish, what did she say?Is she pining away for me?"

"Actually, she is going out tonight with some women from work."I smile at her turning the camera on and filming her reaction.

"Get that thing away, Mark."She scowls.

"What, I thought you loved it when I filmed you." I try and act surprised.

"Fuck off."She folds her arms and looks at me, "Is it that Katrina chick?"

"Huh?"

"Who Joanne is going out with tonight?Is it _Katriiiiina_?"She drags out the name and sticks her nose in the air.

"Oh, I don't know, she never said a name."I shrug, and order a tea when the waitress comes over.

"Mark… what happened?"

I look up at her and she points to my neck. "Oh that… uh, my dad and I had a fight."

"Oh my God, what happened?"

"Look I really don't want to talk about it."

"Mark, you can tell me."She reaches across the table and takes my hand, but I pull it away."What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I am just trying to learn how to be Roger.Not let others affect me or touch me.That way I don't get hurt."So, you are still looking for a place to live, huh?Me too."

"Great!We can move in together."

I smile and nod, "Just friends Maureen.I got your message at my mom's.None of this 'we'll see what happens' shit."

"Fine, fine. As long as you don't mind me bringing 'guests' home."

"Whatever, I don't care."I shrug as I sip the tea that just placed in front of me.

"Mark, what is with you?You seem so… bitter… today."

Bitter?Yeah, perhaps just a bit."Nothing, I'm just tired, haven't really slept in awhile."

"Mark, you need to take better care…"

"MARK! MAUREEN!"At the sound of our names with both look over at the door, and spot Benny walking towards us.

"Shit, can we hide?"She asks me in all seriousness.

"Uh, I think it is a little too late."He grabs an empty chair at our table, turns in around and straddles it, leaning his arms and head on the back of the chair.

"Hey guys!Long time no see!"  
"Not long enough I'd say."Maureen rolls her eyes at me.

Benny ignores her comment, "Mark, I've been looking for you, where have you been?"

"What?You mean since my apartment was destroyed?"

"Uh… yeah… I guess… didn't Mimi explain what happened?"

"Yeah, she did, so?"

"Look, the bitch had me sign a pre-nuptial agreement.There was nothing I could do."

"Sure there was, Benny.You could have not slept around." Maureen states loudly.

"You're one to talk, Maureen."

Maureen stands as she says this grabbing her bag."I'm suddenly not very hungry."

"Maureen, stay please."I beg her with my eyes, "We have to talk about finding a place."

"Well, Mark, that was why I looking for you."He turns to Maureen who is sitting back down, her back towards Benny."Why are you looking for a place?You and Joanne break up?"

She remains silent and just folds her arms glaring at me."Ok, Benny, why were you looking for me?"

"Well, I know you don't have a place right now, and I'm assuming Roger doesn't either, since he and Mimi broke up."

"Yeah, and?"My body tenses at the mention of Roger's name.

"And, I don't either, but I found this place in Brooklyn.It is great, three bedrooms, and it's cheap.I'm going to take it, I can afford it on my own, but I thought you guys would appreciate a place to stay for a while.You can just pay however much rent you can afford."

"Yeah, well right now that would be nothing."I drink my tea.

"No problem, like I said, I can afford the entire rent on my own."

"So it would be free?"Maureen's eyes light up, but then darken, "What's the catch?"

"No catch, I just miss you guys, and now that Alison and I are divorced, I want to start seeing you more often.I feel bad about how things went down with the loft."

"Well, I don't know where Roger is.He took off."

I hear Maureen clear her throat.I look at her and she smiles innocently.I give her a questioning look and she mouths, "It's free" and I mouth, "It's Benny" and she shrugs.

"Benny, honey, I'll take Roger's room."She turns herself around so she no longer has her back to him.

"But it's Brooklyn."I say."It's so… so… it's Brooklyn!"

"Mark, honey," She grabs my hand and I pull it away again, "Time for you to move out Alphabet City.Just think of all the new footage you can get, and all the new homeless people you can harass."

"Yeah, but…"

"Mark, come look at it.Just think, no more mattresses in the living room."

"You mean I would have my own room?"I raise my eyebrows.

"Yeah you would, in fact it is a huge room.Definitely enough space for you to set up your equipment" Benny's smile is huge; I can tell he is getting excited.

"Where did you find this great place, anyway?"

"A friend of a friend, come on Mark.Where else are you going to go?"

"Come on Marky…."  
"Fine!Let's go look at it."

The next thing I know we are on a subway train to Brooklyn.Maureen is blabbering to Benny about what happened with Joanne.Typical, as soon as he has something she wants, she forgets that she is supposed to hate him.I just stare out at the blackness that whizzes by, and then, when we hit Brooklyn, the strange unfamiliar neighborhoods below me.

Roger and I could have gotten a place together, a small crappy walkup, with a bathtub in the kitchen and one bed.We could have come home to each other everyday, filling each other about our day.We could have spent days in bed, just talking and laughing with each other.We could have gotten take-out so often that the Chinese Food delivery guy knew our order by heart.He could have written songs for me, while I filmed the entire process.We could have locked ourselves up from the world, knowing that we were safe because we were together.

But no, I'm about to look at a place with Maureen and Benny.I know before we get there that we are going to move in.I can't stay on Joanne's couch forever and the idea of living in Brooklyn in intriguing.A new location for a new life… but will Roger find me? No, it doesn't matter. I'm finished with him I remind myself.Living with Roger wouldn't have been late mornings snuggling in bed, it would have been constant fights over jealousy and drugs and trust.It would be scraping every month to pay the rent.It would be sour notes and bad footage.  
Benny indicates our stop and we get off.I look around, turning the camera on and taking in the first view of our new neighborhood.The apartment is exactly as Benny described, better even.Again I question his motives and he explains to me that he just doesn't want to live alone and figured he would try and make up for the past few years. I get his oath/apology on film so that I am able to use it against him in the future.He shows us the bedrooms and the one that will be mine seems to be the same size as the old loft.Perfect for Roger and me.Shit…Perfect for me and my equipment.

Maureen is leaping around the apartment, checking out closet space, pretending to be really debating if she wants to move in.She says that she was hoping on finding a place in Chelsea, but she _guessed_ it would be ok.So it is decided.Maureen, Benny and I were going to be roommates.In Brooklyn.


	17. The new apartment

A/N (8/21/01): Will I ever stop tormenting these poor souls

A/N (8/21/01):Will I ever stop tormenting these poor souls?I updated 2 chapters yesterday, so some of you may have missed Ch 16… go back and read, this will make a lot more sense.Tomorrow I'll update with Chapter 18 and I'll be all caught up with what I wrote in the downtime.

"Pan across the tree-lined street – notice the absence of graffiti and garbage.This is Park Slope, my new neighborhood of one week.Focus on Benny's Range Rover, actually parked in front of our building, waiting for its owner to take it back to that dirty island called Manhattan."I turn the camera so that it is facing me, "I'm waiting to be taken back there as well.This doesn't feel like home to me.I don't deserve to live in a place like this."

Maureen and Benny exit the building and head towards me, talking to one another.They have inexplicitly become close friends since they both started dating girls from the Kat Scratch Klub.That's where they were heading now, to take their respective girls out on a double date.They offer to bring me along, stating that they are sure they can find a date for me.'Or worse case scenario, Mimi can be your date.'I decline.

I guess Mimi hasn't mentioned the fight we had the last time we saw each other.I hadn't either.In fact, I hadn't told either Benny or Maureen what really happened in Scarsdale.I just changed the subject whenever they asked, and the question started fading along with the bruising on my neck.

"Come on, Mark, you need to get out."Maureen's voice breaks my concentration,"You're locking yourself up again."

"No, I'm not. I got some work to do, that is all."I smile at her, "Trust me, I would go, but I got some really good footage that I want to work on."

"Then tomorrow night?"

"Sure."I nod, just to shut her up.

"Promise?I want you to meet Felicia."

"Yeah, and you still haven't met Raquel yet, either." Benny chides in.As if I want to meet either of their Flavors of the Week.

"I promise. Have fun."

"We'll tell Mimi you said hi."Maureen yells as she gets into the truck.

"Yeah, great."I turn the camera on and film them driving down the street, letting out a loud sigh as it disappears around the corner.

I go inside, into my room and take out my projector.I have the stack of film piled next to my bed.I tell them that I'm working on my documentary.The same goddamn film I've been working on since the night Roger and Mimi met.I still had no idea what I wanted to accomplish with it.I just know I want it finished.But I'm not working on it tonight.I haven't worked on in since we moved, though they think that's what I've been doing locked in my room.

No, what I'm doing is watching Roger.It is sick, and every night I tell myself I'm not going to do anymore.But every night I put in a reel, and then another, and then another.I watch him intently, his every movement, his every syllable.I have one piece that is my favorite.It is a simple one actually of Collins, him and I having a snowball fight in the park.I stepped away for a few minutes and got them laughing and throwing snow at each other.Both seemed so carefree and young.The cold air caused Roger's cheeks to glow red, and at one point he laughs so hard he falls into the snow.There is an instant that I can see his soul, I can see why I fell in love with him.

Night after night I watch the films.Almost as if I am punishing myself for letting him go.But I am not letting him go, by staring at these frames night after night, I'm keeping him with me.I won't allow myself to forget him, even though that is what I want more than anything.At least, that is what I tell myself, my actions reflect differently.

The phone rings and I let the machine pick it up.The same answering machine we had in the loft.Gone forever are Roger's and my voices yelling "SPEAK!"It is now Benny's voice sounding very formal and boring.

_"Thank you for calling.You have reached the home of Benjamin Coffin the Third, Mark Cohen and Maureen Johnson…" _You can hear in the background Maureen asking why she's last, _"Please leave a message after the tone and one of us will get back to you A.S.A.P" _That's how he says it to… A.S.A.P, sounding each letter out, as if abbreviating it will give him and the caller ten seconds more free time.

_"Mark, it's Joanne. Pick up."_I lunge for the phone

"Hey, Joanne." I pout over the phone."What's up?"

"I'm in your neighborhood, but I don't remember which building is yours."Joanne helped Maureen and me move our things from her apartment.Of course, she and Maureen were barely speaking and when they were, they were screaming at each other.

"Oh, ok, I'll meet you outside."

"Maureen isn't there, is she?"

"No.She uh… she's out?"

"With that stripper again, huh?"

"I believe the term is exotic dancer."I laugh and then glance up to Roger's image reflected against my wall.I shut the projector off.

"Just meet me outside, I'll take you to dinner."

A short while later, Joanne and I are sitting down eating pizza and beer.She has been really quiet, talking about the weather and a television show that she watched but I can tell she has something on her mind.

"OK, Joanne, spill, what's going on?"

"I'm that obvious, huh?"I nod and smile.It is nice to be in her company, it is wonderful not having to pretend everything is fine.

"Well I have a few things I need to tell you."

"Oh?"I look, worried, this didn't sound good.

"Ok, I'll just tell you, Collins called me yesterday."

My eyes widened and panic struck.Why would Collins be calling Joanne?"How… how is he?"

"He's fine.Don't worry, he's fine.He called me about a Living Will though."

"Why would he do that if he's fine?"I feel my heart pounding inside of me.

"Because now is the time to do it, when he is healthy.He knows he may not be forever."I nod slightly."Roger was there."

I look up, surprised. "Oh?"

"Yeah, he's been staying with him."I nod."Collins really wanted to talk to you, apparently Roger won't tell him what's wrong."

"Typical."I take a large sip of my beer.

"Well apparently he got to Portland sometime last week, broke and sick."

"Sick?"

"Yeah, but Collins said he was getting better, but he was concerned because he didn't know why Roger had shown up suddenly.It seems that he hitchhiked most of the way."

"Oh God… he's sick…" I look away, trying to blink away the tears that have suddenly formed.

"Mark, he'll be fine."She takes my hand, but I can tell she doesn't quite believe it herself. 

"Yeah, I'm sure he will…" I don't convince myself, as I let my imagination run wild, picturing him in dirty clothes and a bad cough, barely standing at Collins' doorway.

"So do you want to hear my other news?"She's trying to change the subject.How can I think about anything else when I just found out the person I love needs me and I'm not there for him."I got a job offer."She continues on without my permission.I barely hear a word she says."Its… Washington… don't know… you think?"

"Huh?"I look up at, just noticing she stopped talking.

"Do you think I should take it?"

"What?"

"Mark," she exhales loudly, "I got an offer to work for the ACLU in Washington DC.I would be dealing with Supreme Court cases."

"Wow."My eyes widened."Are you going to take it?"

"I don't know… Do you think I should?"

"It doesn't matter what I think."I reach out for my camera, "I'd miss you though."Stop thinking about Roger…

"Thanks.I don't know… maybe it would be a good idea, get away from New York."

"And Maureen."

She looks up at me, "Yeah, and Maureen.Honestly, I already decided, I'm going.I just needed to hear you tell me it would be ok."

"It will be ok."I smile at her, "I'm proud of you."

"I'm proud of you too."She smiles at me and takes my hand.

"What did I do?"

"You're moving on.Not letting him hold you back."

"Oh."Little did she know.

"Do me a favor, ok?Don't tell Maureen.I want her to find out from me."

I sense the wickedness in her tone and I shake my head."She'll try and make you change your mind."

"Ah, but it won't work."

Joanne drops me off and before I get out of the car, she asks me if I'm really ok.I tell her that I am.She hugs me and she tells me that she is sorry that she ever caused hurt in my life, and that she was so glad that I was a big enough person not to hate her on principal.I tell her that I love her and she is one my best friends and she says the same.She promises to call when she makes plans and drives off.

I stand there and watch the car pull away.No, I'm not ok.I know where Roger is.It was easier when I didn't.Now I know where to find him, and I know that he needs me.I'm going to him.I'm going to go upstairs and pack and when Benny gets home, I'm going to borrow money from him for a plane ticket.This time tomorrow I will have him in my arms again.He won't be able to fight me off this time.He won't be able to force me away.I'm not going to waste anymore precious time being angry at him.

I walk up the stairs and use my three keys to enter the apartment.I'm surprised to see Maureen on the couch.I'm even more surprised when she looks up at me, her eyes bloodshot and her lips quivering.

"Oh Mark!"She comes over and wraps herself around me.Did she already find out about Joanne moving?That must be it.I stroke her hair and back lightly as she leans all her weight against me.Benny comes out of his room, cell phone attached to his ear.His eyes are bloodshot too.

This couldn't be about Joanne.

I pull back from Maureen."What's going on?"

"I… Mi… Oh God!"She goes back to sobbing on my shoulder.Now I'm starting to get really scared.Benny comes over and peels Maureen away from me and guides her to the couch.He ushers me further into the room and tells me to sit.

"I'll stand, what's wrong?"

He takes a deep breath, "I don't know how to say this," his eyes begin watering, "but Mimi's dead." 


	18. Hell

A/N: Hmm… usually the chapters are longer than this… we're winding down here (didn't I say that 10 chapters ago

A/N: Hmm… usually the chapters are longer than this… we're winding down here (didn't I say that 10 chapters ago?).Mark keeps reminding me to tell you all that he doesn't belong to me, that Jonathan Larson created him and all of the others.I think he is happier that way…

Oh and thanks Kait for being my beta.

The words fall from his mouth slowly.I can almost see them floating in the air._"Mimi's Dead… Mimi's Dead… Mimi's Dead…"_ I stare at him, trying to see the joke, waiting for the punch line, but a sob from Maureen tells me there is none.Benny's phone starts ringing; he looks at me apologetically and answers it.He walks away.All of the noises in the room grow louder, Maureen's moans, Benny's booming voice, a teakettle on the stove.I close my eyes and try to regain balance, barely noticing that I lost it.

"Maureen…" I exhale softly, as I sit down next to her.She nods and throws herself on my lap.I stroke her hair lightly, trying to understand."What… what… what does he mean?What happened?"

"Heroin…she was still using… she overdosed…" She gasps out the words between sobs.I hardly understand her, but I knew the answer before she told me.Christ, this is my fault.I knew… why didn't I stop her?Oh God… I should have stopped her… Roger is going to be so… oh God… Roger… Oh God… Mimi… 

I sit and stroke Maureen's hair, unsure of what to do next.She bawls in my lap asking why over and over.I try to tell her.I try to tell her that the reason why was my fault.I knew, and I didn't stop her.I transferred my feelings for Roger onto her and turned her away.I blamed her for Roger selling again.I blamed her for Roger leaving me, for him being too scared.It was easier to be mad at her than him.And now she is gone.

Benny walks out of his bedroom, flipping his phone closed."Well they arrested them."Maureen sits up quickly, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Really? They found them?"

I look between them, "Who? Who are you talking about?"

"Barry and Peter Katz, the owners of the Kat Skratch Klub."I nod, though I'm not sure why."They are the ones that were supplying Mimi, and most of the other girls there for years.I guess the cops have been staking out the place for weeks, and Mimi's overdose gave them enough fuel to arrest the bastards.."

"According to Felicia," Maureen adds, her voice more steady, but still gripping my hand, "Mimi got beat up really bad the other night, but she wouldn't say who did it."I feel the color wash away from my face."I have a feeling we know now."I nod, and turn back to Benny.

"Where was she?"

"In the back room at the club.The girls who were back there said there was nothing out of the ordinary about tonight.She was shooting up, but the same as usual."Benny's voice quiets down, "Her body just couldn't take anymore, I guess."

"Oh my God…"

Benny comes over and sits on the couch and lightly pats my leg.He sprints up again, and opens his cell."Do you know Collins' number?We should really call him."

I look up quickly."Uh, yeah, I'll go get it."I stand up and steady myself.My head is spinning. I hear Maureen mention calling Joanne."Oh, she's in her car.She just dropped me off."

"You were hanging out with her?"  
"Maureen, not now." I spat, "Do you want me to call her?"She shakes her head and picks up the cordless phone.

With shaking hands I watch her dial."Pookie?"I take a deep breath and go into my room and look for Collins' number.Benny follows me.

"You really don't know where Roger is, huh?I swear if I get my hands on that bastard."

"What?Why?"

"Raquel told me he was selling too.That the Katz brothers were supplying him and he was making a pretty penny on the streets.That's why Mimi got the shit beat out of her the other day."His voice rises, but then drops again."Maureen doesn't know."

I nod."So those guys that got arrested, were they the ones the Roger was working for?"

"Why, you knew about this?"I shrug and pull search my desk for a piece of scrap paper with the phone number on it."Well, apparently he took off with a huge amount of shit, leaving Mimi behind to take the brunt of their anger."I close my eyes and try to steady myself."They beat her pretty bad, but to make up for it, they gave her a freebie.I guess they liked her."

I find the number, but hold it for a second.Roger's there.Everything will change when he finds out.If he's sick, he may get sicker.Or he'll do something stupid.He won't be able to handle this.The image of April's body in the bathroom comes flooding back to me.He was holding her, begging her to wake up, when in fact the blood around her was already dry.He spent months blaming himself.

He'll never get over this.I'll never get over this.Mimi was an integral part of our family.Her spirit and voice was part of what kept Roger grounded.Evidently, they weren't as good for each other as we all thought.

"Is that the number?"I nod and hand it to him.Joanne knows where Roger is.I can't protect him.She will tell them.Collins needs to know.So does Roger.My love's heart is about to break, and I won't be there.

"Roger is staying with him."

"Oh really?"His voice piques with interest."Good, I won't have to wait long to find him then."  
"Benny, just don't.He loved her, he never wanted her to be hurt."

"Fuck him.He left her with his mess."

"He didn't know that would happen!"

"The hell he didn't."

Maureen walks in, phone still against her ear."The two of you better not be fighting."Benny and I glare at each other and each take a step back.Maureen holds the phone towards me, "She wants to talk to you."

I nod and take the phone, giving them a look begging for privacy.

"Hello?"

"Mark, I just turned around, I'll be there in ten minutes.Are you ok?"

"No…"

"Maureen told me what happened.Look you are not to blame, you know that right?"

"Sure…" I sit down on my bed and absently play with my camera.

"Mark, I mean it, there was nothing you could do.I saw that you tried to help her."

"I didn't try hard enough."

"Mark, do not blame yourself.There is no one to blame for this."

"Sure."

"Do you want me to call Collins and Roger?"

"I think Benny is going to."

"Ok, I'll be there in a few."I nod into the phone and hang it up.I drop it next to me, and the fall back onto the bed and watch my ceiling spin.

Time must have passed because the next thing I realize Joanne is sitting next to me on the bed calling my name. She pushes my bangs out of my eyes."Mark, it's ok."

I sit up, "No it is not!Mimi's dead!She's not coming back!"

She shushes me and wraps her arms around me, stroking my back.I allow myself to sob into her shoulder.I feel her body vibrate as if she is trying to fight back the tears.She finally loses the battle and begins to cry silently into my shoulder.I barely hear Maureen come in and out of the room.I don't know how long Joanne and I stay like that for.We cry until we have no tears left.She finally pulls away from me and wipes my eyes, and I do the same for her.We laugh to ourselves for a second.

"Are you two ok?"Maureen's voice breaks our shared silence.Joanne takes my hand and nods."I made tea, if you want some."  
"Thanks, Maureen."I smile as she walks out. "She's pretty devastated."

"I know."Joanne looks really hurt."I just don't know if she wants me to comfort her."

"I'm willing to bet she does."Joanne stands up and walks out to the kitchen.I hear her ask Maureen to go for a walk and she agrees.The two leave the apartment, quietly grabbing their coats and giving me a silent wave. 

Benny and I are alone.

"I talked to Collins."I turn to his voice."He doesn't know if they are going to be able to come here.They don't have enough money for a plane ticket."

"Can't you?" 

"I'm not going to pay for Roger to come here, fuck that."

"Benny…"  
"Look, I told Collins that I'd give him money, but not Roger.Roger can go to hell, as far I'm concerned.It is his fault this happened."

"Stop saying that.It isn't"

"The hell it isn't.He was selling.He took off without a word with God knows how much smack and whatever else.He knew they would kick the shit out of Mimi, but he didn't care.He doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself."

"No, that's not what happened!"I yell in spite of myself.

"Mark, it is time to get out of your dream world about Roger.He isn't this perfect icon you make him out to be.He's selfish, and an addict, and, I repeat, he doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself."  
"He cared about me.He cared about Mimi."

"No he didn't."

"Look, she was using before he started selling.He just started doing it to pay for their meds.Because he didn't want her getting help from YOU anymore!"I'm shouting at him, the hot tears stinging my eyes.

"Oh don't go fucking turning this around to be my fault.The only thing I ever did was try and help her."

"Whatever Benny, you just wanted to fuck her!"

"I loved her too, Goddamn it."I look at him and see tears dripping down his face."No one is even concerned with how I'm handling this.I was in love with Mimi.She knew it, I told her hundreds of times.But she loved _him_.I could have given her the world, but she wanted that fucking starving musician."

"BENNY!YOU WERE MARRIED!"

"I would have left Alison if a second for Mimi."  
"You know what, it doesn't matter.She's gone.It doesn't matter who loved who anymore.There is no love left in this fucking world."

Almost on cue, Maureen and Joanne walk in to the apartment, arms around each other, practically attached at the mouth.They hear my last comment.

"Mark, you don't mean that."Joanne says softly.They both approach me, and I feel the three of them circle around me.

"YES I DO!There is no such thing as love.All there is _is_ hurt and pain and death and and…" I step away from them.I lose my thoughts… I lose control… "He said he loved me… he left her for me… he flushed all those drugs for me… He did it for me…He wasn't being selfish… He… did… it… for… me…"

"Mark, calm down," I feel Joanne reach out for me.

"NO!She's dead.She was alone, without him.That is my fault.He left because of me, because he was afraid to love me.He couldn't deny it anymore…"

"What are you talking about?"Benny looks at me confused."Roger… and… you?"

"No… yes… I don't know… it happened… or it was going to happen…" I wipe my face with the back of my hand."I found those drugs… he admitted everything to me… he flushed them all… even though he knew he couldn't come back here…he didn't know they would take it out on Mimi…he made me come back… my father… my father caught us kissing…he got scared… he said he wanted easy… that we could never be easy…"

"Oh God, Mark…" Maureen steps towards me, but Joanne holds her back.

"It's all my fault… all my fault…" I collapse to the ground and wrap my arms around my knees.I hide my head in my lap… "All my fault…" I repeat the words in spite of myself.

Joanne's cell phone begins to ring.She ignores it, and it stops, but then starts right up again.I hear her answer it, my face still buried in my knees."Collins, hey.Not so good… Ok… yeah, no problem… I'll pay…"

"Joanne," Benny interrupts, "I'll get them both tickets." 

"Ok.Collins, you and Roger just get to the airport; we'll have everything taken care of when you get there.Love you too."I hear her phone snap close and I look up."Mark, he's coming."


	19. The Airport

A/N:Sorry about this one taking a long time, my beta was slacking off.::clears throat and waves to Kait::One more to go after this.This chapter was really hard for me for some reason.Eh, hope you like it.

Around one in the morning, Joanne suggested we all try and get some sleep.Maureen and I laughed at her, but she insisted."Tomorrow's going to be another long day.We have a lot of planning to do.We all need to rest."Before they disappeared into Maureen's room, Joanne insisted on 'tucking me in'.She wanted to make sure I actually got some sleep, though I knew it wasn't likely.

I turn and look at the clock; 3:43; Roger's plane will be here in three and half hours.He and Collins took the red-eye from Portland.My mind has been racing since my little breakdown earlier.The others had been acting strange around me.Well, Benny and Maureen were, Joanne seemed to know what to say and when to say it.She brought me tea, sat down on the floor next to me and rubbed my back until I caught my breath and was able to control my tears.Benny and Maureen kept firing questions to me about Roger, things I couldn't answer.Maureen was really interested on when and how my feelings for Roger changed.It was obvious she was fighting off jealousy.Joanne told her to shut-up and they began bickering.

Benny, on the other hand, just wanted to know about Roger's relationship with Mimi.He said she always knew, that she kept telling him there was something between us.He never believed her, and told her that was ridiculous.He would ask me a question and then tell me not to tell him, that he didn't want to know.Around 12:30 he took off in his Range Rover.I was honestly pleased to get rid of him.My spirits actually lifted a little, and I allowed the tea to take effect and calm me down.

Lying here now, I feel no calm at all.Anxiety has taken over.I've tried sleeping.I have closed my eyes and forced myself to remember the plot of a movie I saw a few weeks ago.Then I remembered I saw it with Roger and the nervousness returned.And then I started feeling anger towards myself.I was excited to see him.He was coming here for Mimi's funeral and no other reason.Nothing had changed.It sickened me that I allowed myself to think that with the tragedy of Mimi's death, I could hope for a reunion.And I did.I had it all in my head.He would walk into the apartment, look around, see me, we would make eye contact and he would drop his bags and embrace me.He would tell me he was sorry, and rumple my hair and pull away and kiss me.We wouldn't need to say anymore.He would be mine again.

4:03.Three hours and fifteen minutes until he lands.Then it will take about an hour for them to get here.Maybe I will go with Joanne to the airport after all.She asked, but I said no.I don't know if Roger wants to see me.I know he will have to eventually, but he may not want me standing there waiting for him.Plus, what if he really is sick?I haven't forgotten what Collins told Joanne.I'm sure Collins wouldn't let him travel all this way if he was.But then again, there is no stopping Roger once he gets his mind made up.

I get out of bed.No use pretending to sleep.I pull out my projector and some reels of film.The images flash against the wall and I watch Mimi and Roger dancing around.I shut it off almost instantly as I feel the emptiness in my stomach lurch up.I run out of the room and into the bathroom and quietly get sick.I lay my head against the toilet seat and close my eyes, wishing everything would go back to the way it was.

But when?When do I want to go back to?No time in my life has been easy.I have been facing the wrath of my father since I was a kid; I left Scarsdale to escape him.I came here, and I have found nothing but hurt and loss.

I suddenly recall a conversation between Roger and I.It was during that brief time where we openly loved each other.I asked him if he thought we were holding on to the past.He said no, the past sucked; he wanted to start a new life.Is that what he was trying to do now?I tried to; I have been trying to.I moved away from my old neighborhood, I have been trying to force myself to forget him.I tried to become cold and bitter.I couldn't do it.No matter how hard I try not to care, I just do.

I care too much.

And it isn't a bad thing.

That moment, in the car that day, that is the time I want to go back to.Those precious few minutes where we were candid with each other.Roger dropped his guard; he took down the wall around him and was truly honest with me.If only I could get him to keep that wall down.

"Mark, are you ok?"I look up and see Joanne, all dressed, keys in hand.

I nod, "Yeah, I am."

"Did you get sick?"She looks concerned.

"Yeah, but I'm ok.Actually, I think I just figured a lot of things out."

"Good."She smiles, "Do you want to come with me?"

"Yeah, I do."

Even at this early hour, the traffic to LaGuardia is unbearable.It takes us over an hour to get there.We are silent as we leave Brooklyn, but then Joanne begins talking.

"I still haven't told Maureen about DC."

"Oh.Do you think you are still going to go?"

She looks at me from the side of her eyes, "Absolutely.I need to go."She sounds as if she is trying to convince herself.

"What about Maureen?"

"This reconciliation we just had, it isn't for real.Mimi was someone we both cared about.We needed to be with each other last night, for support and comfort.Yes, we still love each other, but she and I still have the same problems we did before."

"Yeah, I was wondering about that."

"Obviously, I'm not leaving until after the funeral, and I don't think I'm going to tell Maureen until then.She doesn't need to deal with that."

"I don't know, do you think that's fair?"

"Is any of this?"I laugh in spite of myself."So, what about Roger?What are you going to say to him?"

I shrug, "I don't know."

"Well, you may want to figure it out, because his plane is landing in thirty-seven minutes."

"Yeah, but he's here for his girlfriend's funeral."

"Ex-girlfriend."

"Ex-girlfriend, but he still loved her."

"Yeah, but now he loves you."

I shrug again and lean my head against the window, "We'll see."

We finally arrive at the airport, park, and rush to the gate.Their plane is scheduled to arrive in minutes.We get to the gate just as the passengers are exiting the plane.I stand next to Joanne, trying to control my excitement, fear, anxiety, love, passion, hurt, anger, and every other nameless emotion I'm feeling.I feel myself bouncing, and Joanne places her hand on my shoulder to steady me.

I see Collins first.He spies us and comes running, embracing the two of us at once.I haven't seen him in about six months.He finally lets go and we all look at each other."You both look like shit."

"Thanks, Collins."I laugh, as he pulls me in for another bear hug.I'm surprised by how thin he is."Same to you."I let go and he hugs Joanne again and I start looking over his shoulder for the bleach blonde musician.I don't see him, and I watch the flight attendant close the door."Where's Roger?"

"He didn't come."Collins scowls as he puts his arm around me.

My face grows hot as a wave of nausea hits me again."What?"

"After Benny called me and told me about Mimi, he was yelling and ranting about needing to get to New York.He kept saying he needed to be here, with you."He nods towards me."But when we were about to board the plane he told me he wasn't coming."

"Oh Mark…" Joanne grabs my shoulder gently, but I jerk it away from her.

"I tried to convince him, but I didn't have any time.He just stood up, walked with me to the gate and said he wasn't coming.He wouldn't tell me why.I had to board the plane."

"But… Mimi…" I stutter.

"I know."

"Collins," Joanne stats softly, "Do you know what happened between Roger and Mark?"

"Joanne, it doesn't matter,"I spit out.

"No, I don't.I assumed they had a fight, but Roger wouldn't say anything."

"Just forget about it,"I snap."It doesn't matter."I fight the tears away.I have cried enough the past 24 hours. I don't need the tears anymore.They don't help.Nothing helps.Only Roger could help, and he wouldn't come to me.

I quicken my pace so that I am walking in front of them.I know Joanne is filling in Collins on all he missed.I don't want to hear it.I don't need to relive it again.The hot tears drip down my face and I wipe them away, and silently scold myself.

But then it happens.They stop.The tears dry.I can almost feel the transformation.As if someone dropped an ice cube down my back, I feel the chill run through my bones.I sense my face harden, my body tense, and my emotions freeze.A wave of aloofness and bitterness sweep through me.

He broke me.

I stand still for a second and catch my breath.The clarity of the situation, of my life, shocks me.Things are never going to come easy for me.My world will never be perfect.If my life were to become perfect, than what would I have?Nothing.Not my art, not my passion, and definitely not my love.The bitterness leaves me as quickly as it came.

I don't need Roger's love to survive.I don't need him, but I want him and I long for him.Perhaps he is afraid of being with me as much as I was afraid of being without him.

"Mark?Mark!" I am startled out of my daze."We are going to get something to eat."Joanne nods towards a coffee stand.I nod.

"These new meds I'm on, I have to take some with an empty stomach, and others with food.Basically, my whole day is planned around meals, and that flight in the middle of the night screwed me up."Collins smiles at me; the same tender, sarcastic, witty smile that first welcomed me to New York.I smile back, relieved that the icy feeling is gone.

We walk up to the counter, and Joanne and Collins each order a muffin, but I decide to keep my uneasy stomach empty."How are you feeling, Collins?"He doesn't look as healthy as he did six months ago.

"I'm ok.The meds make me sicker than the actual virus.There were a couple of months there that I wasn't holding anything down."He laughs, "Great diet plan."I smile in spite of myself.

"These new meds, are they working?"

"Yeah, my T cell count is probably higher than yours right now."

"Wow, that's great."I close my eyes, fighting the exhaustion that is finally hitting me.Joanne rubs the back of my head as I let out a yawn.

"Tired baby?" I nod."You didn't sleep at all last night, did you?"

"No, I didn't.I tried though."I plead with her."I'll try again when we get home.I was just kind of nervous, I guess.Not that there ended up being anything nervous about."I pout.

"I still can't believe it, you and Roger."

"Whatever, there is nothing to believe." I shrug.Mark, you shouldn't ask… you need to move on… "How is he feeling, anyway?"

"Roger?He's ok.He ran out of AZT on his trip across country.Sort of messed with his system.But I took him to my doctor, and he had been feeling better."He shrugs. "I'll call him in a little bit and see what is going on in his head.Unless you want to?"

"No, I'm fine.I _really_ don't need to talk to him."I start tearing at Joanne's now empty Styrofoam cup."Are you sure he's ok?"

"Yes Mark, I'm sure."

The three of us leave the airport and I sit in the back of the car.I fall asleep on the ride home. Somehow, now knowing that Roger isn't here, my body seems more relaxed.I sleep all the way to the apartment.

The next thing I realize is that I'm being carried.I open my eyes and find my face inches from Collins."Collins!Put me down."

He does as he is told and laughs.His laugh, like his smile, is contagious and I find myself laughing too, in spite of myself.The three of us walk upstairs, but Maureen meets us half way, bolting down the staircase and throwing herself into Collins' arms.

"Ah! I missed you!"She kisses his face all over, and wraps her legs around his waist."Welcome home!"

He keeps laughing, spins her around, "Thanks, though I wish it were for better reasons."He puts her down and places his arm around her shoulder.The smile is still on my face, until Maureen says those dreaded words.

"Where's Roger?"

Joanne's, Collins' and my face all fall."He decided not to come at the last minute."Joanne informs her.

"That bastard!"Maureen yells and turns to me, "Are you ok?"

"He'll be fine,"Collins answers for me, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards him."We are going to get through this time together, like the family that we are."

"Except that Roger isn't here," I whisper to myself.

The first thing I notice when we walk into the apartment is Benny's leather jacket thrown on the couch."Oh, so he made it home, huh?"

Maureen shrugs, "Yeah, I guess.He didn't say anything to me, just came in, showered and went to sleep.I don't know… he just doesn't seem… right."

"Sweetie, none of us are "right" right now."Joanne wraps her arms around Maureen's waist from behind her.She leans her chin on the smaller woman's shoulder."I'm sure this isn't easy for him though.He did date Mimi once upon a time."

"I know…. But…" Maureen looks towards the door, "I've just never seen him show any emotion.He broke down when we found out last night.I don't know… I'm worried."

"Perhaps he cared for Mimi more than we knew."Collins says.

"He loved her."They all look at me."He told me last night, we were fighting and he said it.He was in love with her."

"Who knew he was capable?"Joanne says, and Maureen pulls away from her.

"What is that supposed to mean?Of course he is capable."

"Maureen, I just meant that since I've known him, he has shown me no signs of caring about anyone but himself."

"Well before he met Muffy, he cared about all of us," Maureen points out.

"Damn, things have sure changed around here."Collins finally drops his bags and looks around."Maureen… sticking up for Benny… the three of you living in a place that not only has heat, but a dishwasher!Shit, six months can change a lot."

"Well, we're only living here because of Benny." Maureen ignores Collins attempt at changing the subject."I don't know, he and I have spent some time together these past few weeks, and… Christ, you guys didn't see him yesterday."

"It's ok, Honey, I didn't mean to sound cold."Joanne embraces Maureen and looks at me.She and I exchange a look.It isn't going to be a pretty sight when Joanne tells Maureen what is going on.

"Hey Mark, why don't we take a walk, you can show me around the new neighborhood."Collins lays his hand on my shoulder, and I look at Joanne and she nods.I think it may be a good time to leave the women alone.

"Yeah, ok.Let me just grab my camera."I go into my room, grab the camera and my coat and Collins and I are out the door.

"So, a lot of things going on, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess,"I say nonchalantly.

"You want to fill me in?"

"Didn't Joanne do that at the airport?"I turn the camera on and get a shot of the corner street sign and a cab behind it.

"She told me some, and Roger told me some.Now I just want to hear it from you."

"Roger told you some?"

"Well, it took him awhile, but one night, we shared a bottle of wine.He opened up and told me that he was in love with you."

"He did?How come you acted surprised at the airport?"

"Well, Joanne asked me if I knew what happened with the two of you.Truth is, I didn't.All I know is that Roger said he loved you.I didn't know you felt the same way.You do feel the same way, right?"

"Yeah, I do."I turn the camera towards Collins.

"I asked him why he came to Portland and he just said because he ruined everything.He told me you probably hated him for what he did.I couldn't get him to tell me what that was."

"He pushed me away,"I snap."He told me he loved me, and then he pushed me away.I mean, who does something like that?Who gives you the world and then snatches it back from you?"

"Mark, he was scared.I'm sure this is all new to him."

"Oh, like it is old hat to me,"I sarcastically add.

"I know… I know…"

"Look, I don't want to talk about it.These past few weeks I have gone back and forth from hating him to loving him, from needing him to wanting to hurt him.I don't even know how I feel anymore."

"Mark, you need to talk to him.The two of you need to settle this, because I can see it is driving you mad."

I put my hand up and back away."No."I shake my head."I had myself prepared to talk to him this morning and he didn't show up.I can't keep hoping."

"Trust me, Mark, he's as confused as you."

"I'm changing the subject now.How are you?Are you seeing anyone?"

He laughs at my not so subtle attempt."No, I'm not, and I told you, I'm feeling ok.Not great, but ok."

"What is this that I hear about a Living Will?"

"Joanne told you?"

"Uh, was she not supposed to?"

He laughs, "No, I told her she could tell you, but I wanted to talk to you about it.I put you down as my benefactor.I know you wouldn't want me to suffer."

"Me?I… I couldn't…."

"Mark, I don't know if Roger will still be around."I look up at him, scared."This isn't going to be tomorrow, this is years from now.I just want to make sure I'm not hooked up to machines, ok?"

"I guess so."I pout."They'll find a cure before then."

"From your mouth to God's ears."He smiles and grabs me and brings my body close to his."I love you, Mark, don't forget that."

"I love you too."

"Good, let's go check in on the girls."

"Uh, let's give them a little more time."I don't feel any need to barge in during that conversation.

Collins and I walk around for a little more. We go to Prospect Park, which really is a beautiful place.We find a table with a chessboard set up and we sit down and play a few games.Collins needless to say, beats me easily each time.His mind works in a much more logical way than mine.

It is wonderful.For the first time since I got on that bus, my mind is clear of Roger, Mimi, and my family.I put my full concentration into the game.After the third match, and Collins getting a checkmate in less then ten moves, I give up.Collins laughs and says I put up a good fight.

I find myself growing serious again and hold up my camera and take his face."Tell me Collins.Why did you run away to Portland?"

"I ran away?Well yeah, I guess I did.I had to.I saw my Angel everywhere.I needed to go to a place where I could remember her, but not be reminded of her.As for why I picked Portland, who knows.Oregon just seemed like the other side of the world, you know?"

I turn the camera off and drop it to my side."I know.Did it help?Putting an entire country between you and the memories?"

"No, it didn't.I still think of her every day, when I wake up, when I brush my teeth, when I walk past a store with a gorgeous dress I know she would have died for.The only thing moving to Portland do was make me miss my family."He looks up, "Well, until one of you arrived at my doorstep."

I smile at that comment."Then why go back?Stay here."

"I don't know.It _is_ tempting.Things sure have fallen apart since I left."He shakes his head, "Maureen and Benny actually friends, who would have thought?"

"Ah shit, Maureen!"I stand up quickly, trying to guess how long we have been gone.

"What?"Collins stands with me, and we start back towards the apartment.

"Joanne was about to tell Maureen that she's moving to DC.I can't even begin to imagine the state of her mind right now."

"Fuck, let's go."

We walk quickly to the loft, and I'm surprised to see Joanne's car still sitting in its parking spot."Well, maybe things didn't go so bad after all."

I take out my keys but Collins grasps my arm."Mark, before we get inside, I just want to tell you, putting an entire country between New York and myself didn't help me forget about Angel.It won't help you forget about Roger, either."

"He's the one who put the country between us."

"I know.But don't be stubborn.The two of you don't have eternity, and you know that."

"Yeah, but…"

"No buts.Just talk to him, ok?"

"We'll see."

He leans his head against mine, "Well, let's see if we have a war zone inside, huh?"

I smile, "Yeah, let's." 


	20. Portland

A/N: Ok, so I lied

A/N: Ok, so I lied.This isn't the last chapter.One more after this, I swear!_Maybe_ an epilogue, but I'm not sure yet.Thanks to Jonathan Larson, who created these wonderful characters.Thanks again to Kait for beta-ing this.I had real issues with commas going on.And thanks to all that have reviewed this story.102 reviews as of this writing!That is just mind-boggling and I feel honored.So keep reviewing and thanks for sticking with this story so far!

"So here I sit, on a plane at LaGuardia airport," I pan the length of the airplane, "waiting to take off to Portland, Oregon.I have only a few minutes until the stewardess… uh, flight attendant, tells me to shut the camera off.I finished my film.Mimi's funeral, two days, ago seemed to be the perfect ending.I almost expected Roger to show up in the middle, in some dramatic fashion, but one thing I have long known about Roger is that he doesn't do what is expected. 

Since I haven't turned my camera on since then, let me fill you in.Maureen and Joanne broke up for good.Maureen was devastated to hear that Joanne was moving to Washington.She begged and pleaded with Joanne to stay, but Joanne held her ground.I'm pretty proud of her.She knew that being with Maureen wasn't good for her anymore.I know once upon a time, if Maureen begged me like that, I would have caved.

Strangely, Maureen and I had a long talk the morning of the funeral.She told me that she loved only two people in her life, Joanne and me.She knew that she had trouble letting go, and that the only way she knew how was to wind up in the arms of someone else.Which she did that very night.Benny's arms actually.Completely a one-night thing.They haven't spoken to each other since, and Maureen is threatening to move out of the apartment.Joanne told me she knew she made the right decision.

Collins, on the other hand, has decided to stay in New York.He and Maureen are going to share a room (that is if she doesn't move out, which we all know she won't).I offered to share my room with him, but he was insistent that I may need it for another roommate later.I doubt it, but that's why I'm on this plane.Collins asked me to go pack up his things. He said his body couldn't take the unplanned meal schedule again.Driving back across country would really mess up his system.But I know the real reason.He wants me to deal with Roger.

"Excuse me, sir?You need to put that away for take-off."

"Oh sure, no problem."The flight attendant smiles at me.He's pretty cute.I smile back and rest my head against the seat and close my eyes.I fall asleep before the plane begins to taxi.I haven't slept in days. The night of the funeral, while Benny and Maureen were… uh… getting closer… Collins, Joanne and I packed up her apartment.It was an all night job.After we were done we went back to Brooklyn and found out about Maureen and Benny.I think the pairing generated more shock than the idea of Roger and me.Joanne quickly told her off and stormed out of the apartment.I didn't really get a chance to say good-bye.

That afternoon, while Maureen was pretending to pack, Collins announced he was staying.I couldn't have been happier.Things with Benny and I were just plain uncomfortable.He still thought that Roger was to blame for a lot of what happened to Mimi. When he found out that Roger didn't show up, he just went off about Roger's guilty conscience and inability to deal with reality.For my own sanity, I have stayed away from him as much as possible. 

The plane landing jolts me awake, as my head hits the seat in front of me.I'm still gripping my camera.People start to exit the plane, but I hold back.I'm nervous.He doesn't know I'm coming.Collins talked to him yesterday and gave him the flight information.He made Roger promise to meet him at the gate.Collins said he asked how I was doing, but quickly changed the subject when Collins offered to hand me the phone.The last person leaves the plane and I grab my bag from the overhead compartment.Taking a deep breath I walk through the jet way.

I don't see him at first.I stand in front of the door and look around, standing on my toes to make myself taller.I feel the panic overcome me.Maybe he saw me and took off.Maybe he forgot to come. Maybe he decided to leave Portland.I close my eyes, and take a deep breath.

"Mark?"

I open them and there he is in, standing right in front of me.His bleached hair is dyed black.That is why I didn't notice him at first.Damn, he looks good."Surprise!" I grin stupidly.

"Uh, what are you doing here?Where's Collins.Oh my God, is something wrong?"He face grows pale and with the dark hair, it seems translucent.

"No no no… nothing is wrong.He just decided to stay in New York."

"Oh, then why are you here?"

"To bring back his stuff," I smile at him, 'And to bring back you,' I think to myself.

I start walking away, impressed with myself for taking charge; "First we need to get my bag from baggage claim."

"Uh…" He steps quickly to catch up with me."Mark, wait."I stop and turn to him."It's good to see you."He leans in and embraces me.I lean my head against his shoulder and return his hug.It feels perfect; I don't want to let go.Neither does he.We stay there until some people yell at us for blocking their path.

We get my bags and I blabber to him, filling him in on every detail that he has missed out on.I tell him about the funeral, and how Mimi's mother sang "Your Eyes." He's surprised, but he smiles.He is also surprised when I tell him about Maureen and Benny.We walk to the car and he fills me in about his new life in Portland.The first week he was pretty sick, and it has taken him longer than usual to feel completely better.I hide my worry.He says he wrote three new songs since he's been here, and is pretty proud of himself.

"Were the songs inspired by anyone in particular?" I ask, raising my eyebrows.

He drops his gaze to the floor and says, "Maybe."

The night before I left Brooklyn, Collins and I discussed what my approach to Roger should be.Collins suggested that I shouldn't give him any pressure, but I shouldn't hide my feelings either."Just act normal, don't repress.But don't hang either. Let him know without a doubt that you still love and care for him, but don't expect him to act the same.He'll come around on his own free will."Collins' words make sense; I just hope I can actually pull it off.

We leave the airport in silence.I'm not to certain if it a comfortable silence or not.I follow behind Roger as he weaves his way through the parked cars in the garage.I watch his form and his body; he walks so graceful.He never bumps into a car he just flies pass.Me? I stumble into sideview mirrors, bumpers, almost get hit by moving vehicles.I don't know how he does it.

He finds the car.An old Chevy Station Wagon that Collins told me he bought for $500 when he moved here.This is the car I'm supposed to drive cross-country in; it doesn't look like it will make it out of the airport.

"Well, at least there's plenty of room, huh?"

"Mmm, I guess,"He says as he pulls out.It occurs to me that I have never seen Roger drive. It seems almost odd to me.

"Does Collins have a lot of stuff?"

"I don't know, I guess."Hmm, this isn't going so well.  
"Well, do you think you could give me a hand with packing things up?" I ask hopefully.

"Did Collins say what he was going to do with the apartment?"

"Uh… well, he said his lease was up at the end of the month.So…" So you will be homeless and you might as well comeback with me.

"Fuck!" He hits the steering wheel, "Now where the hell am I going to live?"

"Uh, you could… come back with me." It is a cross between a statement and a suggestion.So much for not putting pressure on him.

"Mark, we've been over this before."

"Whatever."I look out the window and take in my first glimpses of Portland.

"Don't whatever… you know how it has to be."

"Whatever."

"Stop fucking saying that!"

"What do you want me to say?"I snap back.

"Christ, you're not here for ten minutes and we are already fighting."

"Sorry," I snort.

"No you're not.What do you have to be sorry about?I'm the asshole."

Did he just admit that out loud?"Huh?"

"I know I'm the one who pushed you away.I'm the asshole.You don't think I haven't been beating myself up about it since you got on that bus?"He looks at me while he yells, not paying attention to the eighteen-wheeler we are quickly approaching.

"ROGER! WATCH OUT!"

He swerves the car and we miss it barely.I have to catch my breath.

"Fuck."He hits his hand against the stearing wheel.

"Maybe we should talk about this later?"

"Whatever."I roll my eyes at his response.

We thankfully arrive at their apartment in one piece.Roger lets me in and then hands me his keys.

"I'll, uh, be back later."

"What?You're not going to help?"

"No, I've got some things to do."

"Oh."I stand there feeling helpless as he stands in the open door, "When will you be back?"I don't want to whine, I don't want it to sound like I'm nagging."Uh, just because, I don't know where I am really, and if I want to go get some food…"

"There's a store on the main road, one block up.Plus, the kitchen is pretty well stocked, you'll be ok."

"Oh."  
"Look, I'll be back later, ok?We'll talk then."

"Yeah, sure," I scoff.

"How long are you staying?"

"Well, if I can get this packed up today, I'll leave first thing in the morning."I look around the room, noting that there really isn't a lot to pack.

"Oh.Well, ok, I'll see you later then."

Roger left me at 3:00.By 8:00, I had all of Collins important possessions boxed up and loaded in the car.It seems that all I have been doing lately is moving.His apartment is a small one bedroom, obviously Roger has taken residence on the sofa.

I collapse on Roger's "bed", exhausted.Of course the apartment was on the third floor, and I had multiple trips to the car.I close my eyes and a familiarity takes over.Something warm and comforting, something that I can't place.Then it occurs to me, Roger's scent.The odor that permeated our loft for years.It smells like home.

I hear a knock on the door.Roger. He gave me his keys.I step over his meager belongings that are piled near the couch.The same bags that he brought with him to Scarsdale, including the now empty duffel bag.

I open the door, and turn around without even a greeting"What, no hello?"

"Sorry, I'm exhausted."Sounds reasonable.

"Wow, this place is really cleared out.Looks good."He hits my shoulder a few times as he walks by.Or I should say, glides by.I take a look at his composure for the first time.His eyes are barely open, and he has a grin on his face a mile long.

"Holy shit, you're stoned."

"Huh, what?"He looks at me, trying to keep his smile down, but bursts into laughter."Ok, you caught me."

"Fuck off."I say calmly, grabbing my coat and heading towards the door.I don't care that I have no idea where I am, or that I just want to crawl up and fall asleep.I don't want to be near him.I don't need to be near him.

"Mark, come on, calm down.It was just a little weed, no big deal."

"Whatever."

"Whatever."He mocks me, in a high-pitched voice."Yeah, that's it, just leave. Fuck, why don't you just go home now?"

"Is that what you want?For me to leave?"

"Whatever, Mark."He throws his hands up in the air and walks towards the kitchen.I stand there, the door open, my hand still on the knob staring at him.He gets to the kitchen and slams his hand on the counter, "Fuck, Mark, no I don't want you to go!"

"What do you want then?I thought we were going to talk about this, but you had to go off and get wasted."

"I'm sorry I smoked, ok?I just didn't know how to deal with you."

"Deal with me?Am I something to be dealt with?"

"Yes, no, I don't know.This whole thing."He sporadically waves his hands between us."I don't know how to deal with _it_."

"Well, going out and getting stoned is a great way to start."I yell, the sarcasm dripping from my lips. "Hmm, running away across the country is another great way."

"I get it, ok?You're pissed.Fine."He lies down on the sofa, "You know what?This sucks."

"Excuse me?

"Whenever I would have problems with Mimi or April, I would talk to you."His speech is slow, as if he's fully concentrating on forming each syllable."Or even better, I would just go upstairs to the loft and you would be cutting together footage, and I would sit there and play my guitar and we'd work silently, but it would calm me down, just knowing you were there."I remain silent as I walk over to the couch.He doesn't even notice, his eyes are closed and he continues on, "But since I fell in love with you," he turns and looks at me, "And I do love you," he moves his head back, and closes his eyes again, "I have no one to just be still with."

I stand there, leaning against the couch, trying to process what he just said."You still love me?"

He opens his eyes and looks at me."I never stopped."

His stoned expression almost brings innocence to his face.I hear his words, "I do love you, I never stopped" and I feel breathless.Courage sweeps through me, "Come back with me then."

"What?No."He shakes his head and sits up."I can't."

"Why not?"

He looks at me, I can't recognize if it sorrow, or pity, or just emptiness, "I don't know anymore.Too many reasons."

"Like?"

"Like, your father for instance."

"Fuck him.I don't care about him."

"Mark, for Christ sake he is your father!Of course you care about him!" He stands up as his voice rises."I don't care what you say, I've known you for too long, I know how hard you have worked to prove to him that everything he thought about you was wrong.That you would be a success, that you would marry a nice Jewish girl, or more specifically, that you weren't a fag."

"I'm not a fag."I yell back, "And I don't care what he thinks!"

"Well, he thinks you're a fag!And that is MY fault!"

"Roger, you mean one thousand times more to me that my fucking homophobic, alcoholic bastard of a father."

"Fine, there's another reason.Look at me."He gestures his hands around his body."I'm a drug addict.There is no way around it.I haven't stopped using, I don't know if I ever will.You don't need to put up with that shit."

I stare at him blankly.I feel the sting in my veins."Roger, if you were with me, you'd stop."

"No, I wouldn't."I feel my body to begin to twitch and my stomach begin to churn.He walks over to me and grabs my arm, a little too hard, "Mark, all I will ever do for you is hurt you."

I pull my arm back and step away from him.Our eyes meet for a few seconds, as we remain silent.

I look at him and I know that I'm done, that I can't deal anymore.I speak to him calmly and rationally and without raising my voice.My decision is made."Well, I'm not going to let you anymore."I grab my coat again, and Collins car keys, I don't look at the floor when I speak, knowing that if I looked at him, I would give in."These past few weeks I have made promises to myself, excuses for you and suffered too many false hopes.I was stupid to think that you could stop being a selfish bastard.I knew it when you weren't on that plane with Collins.You fucking chickened out.You broke my heart.I told myself I wouldn't let you do that again, but Collins made me reconsider.He told me that we didn't have an eternity.He said we had to stop running from each other.But I haven't been running, you have.You have been running your whole life.From your family when you moved to New York, from your life when you started shooting up, from death when you left Mimi and me after Angel's funeral, and now you are running from the one thing that could make you happy."

I take a deep breath and try and fight the tears and emotion that is welling up inside, just a few more seconds."No more.I walk out that door and I'm gone.I can't do this anymore.I'm not going to let you hurt me anymore" 

I open the door and walk out.I hear him yell for me to wait but I don't, I just run down the stairs, the tears blinding me.I don't care, I get in the car, I lock the doors, and I see his silhouette running down the stairs.I start the engine and I drive away, not even looking in my rear view mirror to take in one last look at my best friend, and the love of my life.


	21. The Life Cafe

A/N: Almost the end

A/N:Almost the end.Only the epilogue left.I started this thing in mid-June and here it is September!Well, I wanted a summer project, and this was it.I'm so pleased that a lot of you enjoyed it.This story is over 100 pages long, the longest thing I ever wrote. Now I know that I am able to develop a story arc and complete it.So yeah, I'm proud of myself.I'll stop patting myself on the back now, and let you all read the conclusion.Be on the lookout for the epilogue next week.

I turn over and face the wall.I ignore the pleas from behind the door.Collins.Maureen.Even Benny.They have all tried to get me to open the door, to let them in, to explain what happened.I wasn't ignoring them on purpose. I was just trying to sleep.When I sleep, it doesn't hurt anymore.Each time they knock, they wake me, and each time I wake, the memories flood my body.

It is easiest when I sleep.

The drive home was hell.Easily the worst four and a half days of my life.I was exhausted, but I just needed to get home.I barely stopped at all.Just a few times a day.Only one time I stopped to sleep, and only because I started hallucinating.I actually thought I saw people crossing in front me on the highway, When I swerved to miss one, and almost collided with another car, I knew that I had to rest.

Beside that, I had four and a half days to do nothing but think about Roger.Collins' car didn't even have a tape deck, so I was forced to listen to whatever radio stations I could get.About a third of the way, I gave up and turned it off.Silence.Silence and my thoughts; not a good combination.

Finally I made it though.By the time I was crossing the Brooklyn Bridge, my eyes were barely open, my hair was sticking in seven directions, from not being combed or brushed in days.I felt disgusting; I was disgusting.I pulled in front of the apartment, clamored out the car, walked up the stairs and handed Collins his keys.He asked me what happened, but I just walked straight to the shower. From there, I stumbled to my bedroom, where I locked the door and fell asleep.It has been three days since I got home.

"Mark," the knocking continues, "You need to get up.You need to eat something."

I ignore Collins and close my eyes and try to force sleep on myself.The last day it has been more difficult. I've slept too much, but I don't want those thoughts anymore. He's right though, food does sound good.I hear him walk away and complain to whoever else is in the room.I sit up on the bed and rub my eyes.I stare at the door, knowing that if I walk out of there, I will have to explain everything.

I faintly hear the phone ring."Mark!"Collins again."Mark, it's Roger, he really wants to talk to you."This isn't the first time that Roger has called.I know of at least three other times that they have knocked on my door telling me he's on the phone.I lie back down and curl up my body, trying to find that comfortable position, and force myself to sleep."MARK!I'VE HAD IT!WAKE THE HELL UP AND GET OUT HERE OR I'M COMING IN!".

_Think good thoughts… think happy thoughts… think about your film… think about… _"Roger, he won't open the door.Yeah, I'm going to do that.Yeah, ok.Talk to you soon."Collins voice fades away again.I close my eyes and steady my breathing, _think about Roger… no… but if Roger was lying next to you things would be ok… no he's not, he's in Portland, he pushed me away… you left on your own this time… only so that he couldn't do it first… do you remember?What it felt like to have those lips on your mouth?On your neck?Do you remember what it sounded like when he said 'I love you?'No, I need to forget… I don't want to remember. _I shut my eyes as tight as they can get and shake my head, attempting to drive the memories away.Suddenly I hear the door being pushed.I turn around and look, wondering why they would think I would suddenly unlock the door.Then I hear a scratching sound.No, they're not… 

"Benny, hold this screw…"

"Collins, lefty loosey, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah…" I hear a piece of metal fall to the ground.Fuck, they are taking my door down by the hinges.

"Guys… stop, ok?I'll open the fucking door."My voice sounds strange to me.Scratchy.I realize that I haven't spoken in three day.I climb out of bed and turn the handle and open the door."See, I'm alive, everything is fine."

"About fucking time, Cohen."Benny walks past me and into my room."Christ, it smells like someone died in here!"He holds puts his hand against his face, "Open up a freaking window."He follows his own instructions and opens up the two windows in my room.

"Mark, are you ok?Why have you locked yourself up in here?"

"I needed to sleep."

"For three days?"Collins looks at me exasperated.

"I hadn't slept in days.Not since Mimi's funeral.Then I drove across country by myself, so yeah, for three days."I grab some clothes from the top of my dresser that never seemed to get put away."I'm going to shower now, if that's ok."

"Yeah, and when you get out, you and I are going to the Life Café.We need to talk."

"Look, I'm tired…"

"…just get in the shower."

I shower.I spend an extra amount of time in there, holding off the inevitable.Finally, I turn the water off and step out.I hear Collins saying good-bye to someone and hanging up the phone.I step out, in the living, a fake smile plastered on my face.

"Who was that?"  
"Roger again." I nod, pretending that Roger calling wasn't a big deal in the slightest.

"Oh." I find my boots and sit down and put them on."How is he?"

Collins looks at me sideways, "He's worried about you, we all are."

"Me?I'm fine.I'm dandy.I just needed to sleep."I keep smiling."You ready? I'm hankering for a little miso soup."

"Hankering?"He laughs as he reaches out and puts me in a headlock. 

I struggle from his grip, "Yes, hankering and shut up."  
The fresh air does feel nice, and Collins is smart enough not to bring up anything significant on the drive to the Life.He fills me in on what I have missed since my trip out west.

"Well, Maureen and Benny have had this on-again off-again thing going on.They fight like crazy, but then they disappear into one of their rooms.Both of them tell me the sex is amazing."He laughs."I think they are really falling for each other."

I shake my head smiling.Do I feel jealous?Maureen has decided she wants to be with a man again, and it is with Benny?Then I remember that night before I went back to Scarsdale.It was the day our loft was destroyed and our world seemed to be coming to an end.She told me she still loved me; she offered me another chance.We kissed.It was a very truthful kiss.I think it made us both realize that our time together had come and gone, and we were better off as friends.

"You know," I think out loud, "The more I think about it, the more Benny and Maureen make sense.They both try to derive the utmost amount of what they want, with the littlest of effort.They may be too much alike in fact."

"No kidding, wait until you witness their fights." He laughs, as he parks the car and we walk to the café."It is about fifty times worse than Joanne and Maureen."

"Great, can't wait."We sit down and I barely glance over the menu.The waitress comes over with a cup of hot tea for me and fills Collins' mug with coffee."How is Joanne doing?"

"I don't know actually, she called once when she got to DC and we haven't talked since.I've been preoccupied with other things…" His voice drops off at the end of the sentence.

"Like?"

"Like you, and we'll talk about it when you're ready."  
I smile, "Thanks.I don't know if I ever will be."

"You will, and I'll be here for you."He reaches across the table and squeezes my hand.

"So, Benny and Maureen…" I shift the conversation to a safer topic."You know, when she and I were together, I was always a little jealous of him.I didn't really trust either of them, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah, just like Roger and Mimi."I look up at the mention of his name."Sorry, I didn't mean…"  
"It's fine, he's part of our history, of my history.But, as far as I'm concerned, he is history."I sip my tea and butter a roll.

"Do you mean that?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine, sorry."He takes a deep breath.

We sit in silence for a few seconds and I allow my thoughts to leave Roger for an instant and go to Maureen.That day in the police station, the same day we kissed, I was ready to throw our friendship away.I told her I was tired of her hurting me over and over, and I wasn't going to let her anymore.

It occurs to me how similar that conversation was to the one I had just had with Roger.

"Why do you think I fall in love with people who hurt me?"I ask suddenly.

"Huh?"Collins almost spits his food out."I thought we weren't talking about him."

"We're not, I'm talking in general.Maureen hurt me so many fucking times.I mean, how often did she cheat on me?And then she dumped me for Joanne; who you know I love, but still…why did I let her do that again and again?"

"I don't know.Perhaps because you see the good in people?That you know that deep down there is a wonderful, loving soul, who is just misguided.Maybe you think that you can be the one to make them change."

"Yeah, but isn't that just sick?I mean, what's that saying?The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.Isn't that what I have been doing for years with him?Uh, I mean her?"

"Mark, you aren't fooling me, or yourself. I know you are hurting about Roger.I just wish you would tell me what happened in Portland."

"What happened in Portland?Well, he finally succeeded in convincing me that it's a bad idea.That's all."

"That's not what he said."He looks over my shoulder out the window.

"Who are you looking for?"

"Oh, uh, just someone from the Life Support Group. They said they may meet me here."  
"Oh, ok."I sit in silence for a few minutes."So what did Roger say, exactly?" I hold up my hand, "Nope, never mind, I don't want to know."  
Collins laughs at me, "Sure you don't.He just said you guys were fighting and you left and he thought you were going to come back, but you didn't."I nod."Well, you never called any of us while you were on the road, so we were all really scared."

"Sorry," I shrug.

"Mark, you can't do that you know.There are too many people who care about you."

"Yeah, right."

"Don't you understand?You are the one that keeps us all together?Without you, this family falls apart."

"That's bullshit."

"Is it?Would Maureen and Benny even be talking right now, much less on the brink of relationship if it weren't for you?I know you are the main reason I decided to stay.And Roger… well Roger's only ties are you and me, but you are the reason that he stayed, and the reason he left."

"Just stop… ok?I can't deal with hearing anymore."I yawn, the grogginess of sleep still in my body.

"No I won't stop, not until you see.You said you always wanted a community of your own. Don't you see that you have it?That you keep pushing us away?"

"I'm not pushing anyone away."

"You are so afraid of getting hurt.You build this wall around you, and you run at the first sign of danger.

"I do not."I look at him in the eyes."They keep hurting me, how many times can I let them?"

"Until they learn not to."

"Yeah, well, with Roger, that could take a lifetime."

"Well, he may not have that long."

"Yeah, thanks for reminding me."I push my empty mug away."It doesn't matter, he and I… whatever we were… it is just over."

"Are you sure?"He looks over my shoulder again.

"Yeah, why?"I turn around, and see Roger walking towards our booth."Oh, you have got to be kidding me."

Collins stands up and hugs Roger.He points to his side of the booth and offers Roger a seat.He sits, and then Collins leans over between us."Now, the two of you, no yelling.Just talk rationally to each other, ok?"

"Well, I was just leaving."I start to stand, but Collins lays one of his strong hands on my shoulder.

"No, you're not."I sit down, and he walks away.I keep my eyes to the table, not looking at my new companion.

"Hey, Mark.You had us worried there."I shrug."We didn't know where you were, and then when you locked yourself up in your room…"

"… I was sleeping."

"Yeah, sure."

"I was." 

"Well, I was worried…"

"What are you doing here, Roger?Why did you come back?"

"I was worried and because I wanted to talk to you, and apologize, and…I don't know what else.So I exchanged that ticket I didn't use for Mimi's funeral and caught the next flight."

"Ok, then, apologize, make yourself feel better and then we can go on with our lives." 

The waitress comes over with more hot water for me and stops and looks at Roger."Roger Davis!Well look at you!I love the hair."

"Thanks, Mindy."He smiles at her.She rubs her hand through his hair, and I feel my body tense up.

"Seriously, you look good."I clear my throat.She turns to me, "Oh come on, he does."I roll my eyes and she walks away.

"Where were we?"

"Well, you were about to ask the waitress out and I was just about to leave."I stand up and throw a few dollars on the table.I walk out of the café and cross the street to the park.I hear Roger calling my name, and though I know I can't run, I consider it.I stop by the basketball court and wait for him.

"Mark, stop running from me."

"Why? That is what you have always done."

"Not anymore.I'm not running, anymore."He grabs my arm, and leads me to a bench, I snap my arm back but follow him.We sit down."Look, I've thought about what you said to me in Portland, about me running away from life and death, and happiness."He touches my leg, and this time, I don't pull away, I just can't."You were right.I was afraid to be happy.I didn't think I deserved it."

"Why not?"I whisper, staring at the ground.

"I don't know, because every time I'm happy, something goes wrong."

"I know what you mean."I reply bitterly.

"No, that's the thing.It doesn't have to be like that.I realized that being happy isn't easy, that it's hard work."He touches my chin and turns my face to his, "Look at me.I was wrong to think that this would be easy.And I was selfish to want it that way.I'm sorry."He looks me in the eyes, but I look down and move my face away.

"I don't know Roger.I don't think I can take being hurt again."

"Well, I can't promise you that I won't.But if you are willing to take the risk, I'm willing to bet, we can make each other happy."

"I don't need to be happy, I just need…" I take a deep breath, "…to be with you."

He nods and grabs the back of my neck, bringing his face towards mine.I want to fight him off, I want to run from him, but I can't. I let him guide me, and his lips find mine.They are just the same combination of gentleness and strength that I remember.It is a short kiss, but the enough to stir up those butterflies 

Roger leans his forehead against mine, "I love you, Mark Cohen."

"I love you too, Roger, always have."   
  


A/N – Hey, so did you like the end?Are you guys happy now?Let me know, I still love reviews!Oh, and Tiara said that I can have a non-singing part when her musical hits Broadway if I had the boys get back together, so I'm holding her to that.  
  



	22. Epilogue

A/N: Wow

**A/N:Wow.I don't know what to say about the events of this week.It has been tough.I've been back and forth if I should post this or not, but I thought maybe some of you would like a break from the horror.I wrote this before it happened.I don't think I'd be capable of it now.I hope you all are safe and sound.Scary, scary stuff.**

** **

**On a less somber note, this is the really the very end of _Community of Their Own._Does this mean my fanfic award for best non-finished story gets taken from me?Again, thanks to everyone who helped me along with this story.A lot of the reviews helped me on what to do next.Thanks to Kait, again, for caring about this story almost as if it was her own ("Sandy!YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE BOYS GET TOGETHER!IT WOULD BE WRONG FOR THEM NOT TO BE AT THIS POINT!") Thanks for everyone's kind words.I still can't believe that I had people I don't know, IMing me begging to beta or get a sneak peak of the next chapter (you all know who you are!).I keep saying my foray in the world of fan fiction will end with this, but who knows, I don't think Mark has left me just yet.**

** **

**Oh yeah, one last time.These characters belong to Jonathan Larson.Pure genius.I hope wherever you are, you aren't slapping your forehead wondering what we have all done with your beloved characters.We love them too, and that is why we like to abuse them.**

** **

**Take care everyone.**

**  
And now, before these notes are longer then the story, I bring you the conclusion of"Community of Their Own".**

"MARK!WAIT HERE SO THAT I CAN GIVE YOU YOUR PRESENT!"Roger yells at the door.I laugh, shaking my head.

"Uh, who are you trying to fool?Like I don't know there is a party waiting for me behind those doors."

"What are you talking about, Pookie?"He grins at me.

"How many times do I have to tell you _not_ to call me that."

He kisses the top of my head."About a thousand.And that's my present, I promise never to call you Pookie again."I glare at him, but laugh.It has been two weeks since he's been home, and while things haven't been perfect, I have been too blissful to notice.He pulls me close to him by my waist, "Happy Birthday Poo… I mean Mark."He kisses me.

"Ha ha, very funny."

"OK, YOU READY TO GO IN NOW?"He yells at the door again.

"YEAH, I THINK I AM."He sticks his tongue out at me and opens the door, pulling me inside.Sure enough all the lights are out."Hmm… I wonder where everyone is…"

"Surprise!"Maureen jumps out first and rushes over to me.Roger flicks on the lights and Benny and Collins come out of their hiding places.

"Christ, Maureen, you could have made him sweat a little.Make him think we really weren't here."

"Oh go fuck yourself, Benny."She barely looks at him as she rubs my shoulder, smiling at me.Oh the fun of the new Maureen/Benny dynamic.

"Will the two of you behave yourselves?It is Mark's birthday after all."Collins pulls me from Maureen, giving me a hug "Happy Birthday, Mark.Twenty-seven, how does it feel?"  
"Like twenty-six, but so far a lot nicer."I smile at Roger and he winks at me as he walks toward the kitchen.Maureen runs after him.

"Stay away from there, Mr. Davis, kitchens and you don't mix."

He looks in a large brown paper bag, "Yeah, cause I know how hard you slaved over this take-out Chinese."

"OUT!"She hits him and he pouts and leaves the kitchen.

He comes back over to me and wraps his arms around my waist from behind, nuzzling my neck.

The smile that has been permanently on my face for the last two weeks remains.I still can't believe that he is mine and that I am his.I keep stopping and checking myself, to make sure that this is actually my life.Things like this don't happen to me.But Roger keeps assuring me that it is happening and that he isn't going anywhere.He has been equally, if not more, as happy as me for the past few weeks.

Well, except for those moments I catch him by himself.I know he is still mourning Mimi.We all are.I keep telling him he doesn't have to hide it from me, but he assures me everything is fine.We had fought about it the other day.I accused him of distancing himself from me and he just said there was a difference between wanting space and being distant.I don't know if I feel that way, but I try not to give him a hard time.

The phone rings and Collins answers it.I hear his side of a conversation, which is obviously with Joanne.I can tell by the vague references to Benny and Maureen.While he's talking I turn around and look up at Roger.He leans down and kisses me.

"Ok, you two!Enough of the lovey dovey stuff.You're apt to make a girl jealous."

"Yeah, well, that's because you let this guy go."Roger speaks while still kissing me.

"Gross!Get a room!"

"Come on Maureen, we can give them a taste of their medicine."Benny swings his arm around Maureen's waist and starts kissing her neck.

"Get off of me!"She elbows him in the stomach."What did I tell you?Stay away from me!"

Benny takes two steps away, and then moves back right where he was, and continues kissing her neck."You sure about that, Baby?"She coos and I shake my head at them.

"Talk about gross."She gives me a big smile and a wink.I don't think I'll ever get used to those two.Collins waves the phone towards me, and I reluctantly remove myself from Roger's hold and take the phone.I go into our room and close it behind me.

"Hello."

"Happy Birthday, Mark!"

"Thanks, Joanne."I sit down on the bed."How are you?"

"I'm doing well.I miss you guys so much.Well, you know, most of you."I can hear the bitterness in her voice.

"We miss you too."

"I'm sorry I couldn't make it up for your birthday.I just…"

"Yeah, I know."

"So how are you and Roger doing?You haven't filled me in on anything.I have to rely on Collins for all of my information."

"Yeah, well, I've been… busy?" 

"Yeah, right."

"I have!"I laugh."We have been doing really well.I don't want to jinx it by talking about it."

"You're happy?"

"Yeah.I am."

"Good.That's all I need to know then."She says simply."I'll let you get back to the party.I'll call you this week, so we can really catch up."

"Ok, Joanne.Love you."

"I love you, too, Mark.Happy Birthday."

I sit in the room for a moment, and glance up at my reflection in the mirror Roger hung on the door.The lines of age on my face have made me look older.I still see that innocent, young boy staring back at me.The boy who wanted so badly to please his dad, but never could.The boy who came to New York with dreams and ideals, only to have them broken over and over.The boy, who has seen addiction and disease ruin lives around him, leaving him alone to pick up the pieces.

But then I look again, and I see myself, for who I am now.A man.Who after twenty-seven years has finally figured out that life is full of challenges and surprises.The biggest surprise of course, falling in love with my best friend.

"Mark?"I hear knocking at the door and watch it open."You ok?"

"Yeah, Roger, I'm great."

He sits down next to me."How's Joanne?"

"She's ok.Maybe we can go see her in a few weeks."

"Yeah, sure, if you want."His grin is huge, and he is almost laughing.

"What?"

"Come on."He stands up and drags me out into the living room.Collins, Maureen and Benny are sitting around the table, already eating Lo Mein and fried rice.

"Gee, thanks guys, for waiting for me."

"Shut up, we were hungry!"Maureen yells."Now sit down so we can give you your present."

"Guys, you didn't have to."

"Yeah right." Benny scoffs."That's why the past week, you've been dropping gentle reminders to us."

"I have not!"

"Yeah, right."Collins laughs.He reaches under the table and grabs something, keeping it hidden for an extra moment."It's from all of us.Joanne too."

"Sorry it's not wrapped, Pookie."I shoot Roger a look.

Collins then places a brand new camera in front of me.I stare at it, in shock.

"We couldn't afford to buy you a camcorder or anything, and we know how much you love your 16mm."Collins says enthusiastically."I know that you said ever since the loft… uh… you know… your camera wasn't working great.  
"Wow, guys, that's just…yeah, it was a little crushed when Roger and I found it." Roger looks at me and smiles. He is remembering our first kiss out there in the lot.Little did I know then, how something I thought was an accident would lead me here.

I look at them, each one of them beaming with pride for finding me the perfect gift.

Benny, who sometimes forgets his ideals, but really does have a big heart, and is capable of so much love.Maureen, my former muse, the diva-extraordinaire, there is no one else like her.A part of me will always love her and she will always use that for her advantage.No matter how much I try to deny it or fight her off.And Collins.Collins, who just knows exactly what to say and when to say it, and isn't afraid of speaking the truth.He has taught me so much over the past six years, but most recently, he taught me not to trust the future to fix things on its own.

And then there is Roger.He broke me, but then he put me back together again, stronger than before.I have never felt as safe as I do when I'm with him.I'm still afraid to put my faith in him for the long haul, but for now, I'm just not wasting anytime worrying about it.

"Thanks."I say finally."I love you all, you know."

"Yeah, yeah…" Maureen states, leaning over and grabbing the rice from Roger's hands."Oh!I didn't tell you guys, I have this great new idea for a protest against CyberArts… I'm going to get my clown suit…" Benny clears his throat loudly."Oh yeah, sorry Pookie."The whole table starts laughing together. Or I should say, my whole family starts laughing together.

Roger, Collins, Benny and Maureen and me, living together again.A community of our own. 

Fin.

  



End file.
